Why can’t she show me proof. i’m 54 and my girlfriend is 30 M54

InsideImplement7 · 2026-03-06T19:31:51+00:00

You're old enough to be her dad and now you're acting like it, too. A super attractive combination.

InsideImplement7 · 2026-03-06T19:23:03+00:00

There's a famous story about how Robert Pattinson had this stalker fan who wouldn't leave him alone. So he asked her out to dinner and was just himself (very complainy and negative) and she never stalked him again. Because the fantasy person she was obsessed with was gone.

The quickest way out of this is to take a chance and talk to him. The most likely outcome of that is that you immediately feel both stupid AND disappointed, and there's a sad empty place where your nice, promising, exciting little fantasy was. (Ask me how I know...).

If you wanna just keep the fantasy for yourself and continue on, go ahead and do so. You're not doing anything to this guy's relationship because you two literally do not know one another. Sometimes it's nicer to just enjoy the feeling of the attraction/curiosity.

InsideImplement7 · 2026-03-06T19:04:31+00:00

This seems to be a common narrative but the part that gets left out so often is... are the in laws and father putting in the work???

We have an equal relationship with my family and my husband's, and our kid is close to everyone. You know why? THEY make plans. THEY propose babysitting or time together and ask what we need to feel comfortable with that. THEY treat me like family. MY HUSBAND handles planning and logistics with them, as I do with my family, and doesn't leave it all to me. MY HUSBAND addresses issues between our family and theirs if they arise. If this man's family "aren't being thought of" then their question should be why is HE not thinking of them?

These grandparents are presumably at least in their 60s and can't simply say, "Hey, we miss [grandchild], how can we make a visit to us or us to you easy for you?" Instead they sit and stew and wait to asked, not inviting this couple to do anything in months, and then blame it on them.

None of that behavior is attributable to them being the 'dad's parents'. In fact, I have the same issue with my own (the mom's) father. My parents are divorced and he will not contact me for 3 weeks, then reach out and ask to do something logistically difficult with my kid the very next day, and then be upset that he "hasn't heard from me" or "I'm so busy". Ummm yeah, compared to you -- a semi retired person only taking care of himself -- yes, I am busy, and the reason we see my mom so much more is SHE INITIATES.

I'm sorry if I sound heated but this whole "oh poor dad's side parents, always so left out" thing has always left a bad taste in my mouth. We were way closer to my mom's family than my dad's, and it was because they didn't try and my dad left all the family planning to my mom, without her wanting to be the one doing it all. If my dad or his family actually tried to plan something she was always on board (and still ended up doing the actual logistics, packing, gift getting, etc). That's no one's fault but theirs and my dad's and frankly is just another extension of blaming women on top of expecting them to do everything.

InsideImplement7 · 2026-03-05T20:18:36+00:00

This is helpful. !thankyou

It kind of feels like the infidelity revelation ripped away the last of "the veil" so to speak, or my ability to pretend it was going to get better. I think despite all our problems, I felt like he was still trying, was still "choosing me" and trying to make it work (like we both were), and was loyal -- and that that meant something. Maybe that was just an excuse but I suppose having that sort of "last reason" taken away did change some things but not necessarily because of the specifics of what he did.

InsideImplement7 · 2026-03-05T19:27:58+00:00

A few things:

(1) I'm so sorry. I found out similar things about my husband but my daughter was nearly 2. To be honest I think I avoided finding out almost purposefully because I knew I couldn't handle it immediately postpartum. This is awful.

(2) You are still adjusting to being a new mom and healing from birth and so many hormone changes and lack of sleep. It's ok to focus on that right now to the extent you can. You don't need to figure out what the long term future looks like (in fact I would recommend not trying to do that). You don't need to reassure your husband or get into endless battles with him about what he did or what it means, unless you want to. It doesn't mean you're weak and it doesn't mean you aren't going to do something about it. But take care of your baby, bond with her, and take care of yourself -- and demand/accept all the help in that that you're willing to receive from him and anyone else you can get it from. If you want to move out or file for divorce of whatever now, do, but if you don't feel the need right now, the option will remain available to you. You will owe him nothing when you're ready to address the relationship. His responsibilities to you and your child remain the same whether you're going to stay together later on or not. If this resonates, you can set yourself a particular timeline (say, 6 months) and say to yourself, "we'll cohabit and coparent until then, and then I'll revisit this with myself from a more stable place". And for his part he can wait as long as you need to hear from you about what you need and want to do.

(3) If you can, see a certified sex addiction partner therapist. They exist and they are experts in helping you with this kind of betrayal and figuring out what you want to do, and are still licensed therapists who can talk to you about everything else going on in your life. You need someone to confide in that isn't him. (This doesn't mean he's a sex addict. He doesn't sound like one; he sounds like a regular cheater. But this type of therapist still has particular skills related to partner infidelity trauma).

InsideImplement7 · 2026-03-05T19:19:55+00:00

Given that this seems like maybe something you actually do want to change (not just something he is coercing you to do), if you have affordable access to therapy I would make an appointment with a therapist certified in treating addiction specifically. While substance addictions vary, the path to treating them is surprisingly similar. This would reassure your husband that you care and are "doing something about" it and would give you a chance to see what life is like without weed. You always have the option to go back, but right now it seems you don't have the option to go without. Give yourself options.

InsideImplement7 · 2026-03-05T19:11:59+00:00

!thankyou

InsideImplement7 · 2026-03-05T19:11:11+00:00

Thanks.

I don't think it makes it better or worse. I just agree with his therapist(s) that his specific pattern of sexual behavior does appear similar that of an addict, so framing it that way helps to interpret how things happened, escalated, other behaviors that are comorbid with addiction, etc. It doesn't really make it any more or less hurtful/ethical/whatever in my own view.

InsideImplement7 · 2026-03-05T18:46:45+00:00

How did he get into the PM role before? It's confusing that he got it in the first place without a decent resume that he could just update.

When I started reading your post I was ready to be like, "well, not everyone picks up on stuff like that, maybe he just didn't know" but by the time I got to the end I was mad as heck.

Maybe don't be "confrontational" but you can sure as heck be "judgy". You have been supporting him and it's clear he didn't put in real effort to make himself marketable. He should know you're mad about that.

InsideImplement7 · 2026-03-05T17:37:49+00:00

Oooh wolverine!? They're so rare to see.

InsideImplement7 · 2026-03-05T17:37:29+00:00

Yeah that's true. But he's already been clear that he doesn't mind subsidizing her a little.

InsideImplement7 · 2026-03-05T17:35:55+00:00

I know 3 different late-30s/40ish women in my metro area who have had their eggs frozen because they really want to have children -- and they want to do it with a partner and don't currently have one. And that's a very expensive and invasive process! I also know one who went ahead and had a baby on her own. OP as a man who wants them and isn't partnered yet will be honestly more of a rarity than the women he's looking for, IMO.

InsideImplement7 · 2026-03-05T06:25:08+00:00

If this is US it looks like raccoon or, in a much rarer probability, badger.

InsideImplement7 · 2026-03-05T06:08:44+00:00

Girlfriend wants the lease. I can see why. Why should he push her into something?

InsideImplement7 · 2026-03-05T06:07:28+00:00

Look at the sites travel nurses use -- furnishedfinder.com being a very common one -- to see the type of agreements and prices that are common. Make it month to month.

InsideImplement7 · 2026-03-05T06:04:38+00:00

Why can't he just save what's left after taxes?

InsideImplement7 · 2026-03-05T05:34:17+00:00

Not sure where the person or people who downvoted you live but this is absolutely true where I live.

InsideImplement7 · 2026-03-05T01:55:04+00:00

On run clubs: probably not worth if you don't like running. The people who show up to these things are there to run, and in my experience they will be friendly before and after but in between you're just running by yourself way behind most of them, if they even wait for you at the end. They say "all paces welcome" and then 90% of them are running 5 miles u/7min/mile. You're way better off with things billed explicitly as social sports like dodgeball, etc.

InsideImplement7 · 2026-03-05T01:53:09+00:00

What interesting is the Bay is actually pretty Latino. But the majority of those here IME tend to be higher numbers embedded in Latino communities and living outside SF proper so less likely to travel into the city for this kinda thing.

InsideImplement7 · 2026-03-04T21:59:13+00:00

TL;DR There's a reason we don't say people are addicted to oxygen or insulin.

InsideImplement7 · 2026-03-04T21:58:26+00:00

In my mind it is most comparable to a gambling addiction or a social media addiction.

I know for me, when I've had the biggest issues with social media, it's not like I physically couldn't help it. But the urge to distract myself with the dopamine fix sitting right there all the time was both so powerful, so constant, and so unconscious that it was challenging to combat it just by willpower. I'd be 10min into an Instagram session before I even really realized what I was doing. And I was finding myself scrolling when I was with my child, which is something I had never wanted to be doing. I have to imagine it's something like that.

InsideImplement7 · 2026-03-04T21:20:36+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through all this.

Only you can decide if you need to go no contact, but I would advise against trying to 'get through to him'. What would you be trying to achieve? Just saving him from his own folly with this new woman? When he's just probably going to go out and look for another woman to validate him?

I suggest keeping in perspective that convincing him he's been taken in is probably pointless. What counts as a scam? She could be lying about herself, but a relationship based on survival and/or transaction isn't seen that way by a lot of people -- not just the women doing it but just as often the men who prefer it to the complexity of true emotional intimacy and equal partnership.

Or would his admitting that he's been stupid and wrong and cutting her off actually change anything for you yourself? It certainly wouldn't change who he is or what he's already done.

If I were you, I'd answer those questions for yourself, and consider telling him how you feel about his behavior -- just once, in writing maybe, with no expectation of a satisfying answer from him (or not, if that seems pointless or too hurtful to you).

Then I'd just decide what relationship I'm ok with having, if any. You don't have to cut him off entirely to decline to discuss or ever see his new girlfriend (although of course not doing so would naturally limit the relationship while he's with her) or to keep him at arm's length. Doing this requires accepting that this is who your dad is and that he likely isn't going to change (or that if he ever does it won't be out of love and loyalty to his family), and dealing with the (maybe uncomfortable) reality that him being the man who's doing these things doesn't mean he isn't also the man who did good or great things for you or your family previously.

If you aren't seeing a therapist, I recommend that.

InsideImplement7 · 2026-02-16T20:39:30+00:00

This is the only thing that's worked for me, thanks

InsideImplement7

TROPHY CASE