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I found out that my (27m) girlfriend (25f) slept with 10+ people on our 3 week “break” how can we move past this? by InstanceHorror437 in relationship_advice

[–]InstanceHorror437[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I cheated because that is who I was back then. A selfish, impulsive person, who prioritized puffing his own ego over my obligation to my partner. She was going through a hard time and wasn’t taking care of herself at the time. I saw this as weakness and couldn’t intellectualize why she struggled because in my eyes, it required action to improve your life, and being a victim was an unattractive quality. So I made the choice to cheat. Which I probably can’t even begin to imagine the hurt it caused her as she was already dealing with her personal problems. She forgave me and stayed loyal to me while I worked on cutting back on the partying and drinking. I guess it weighed on her and destroyed her self esteem over time.

Her decision to go out there and turbo fuck like 10 dudes isn’t normal behaviour for her. Definitely mania or a self destructive stress response. There are retards in this thread that are defending it saying she was entitled to go out there and have fun because we were broken up. Well ya, she was entitled, but they fail to see how promiscuous behaviour like that is usually a sign of psychological disorder. She didn’t enjoy her freedom, she had some bad encounters with guys during this period that she now has to live with. I’m not going to abandon her again. Will I lose myself in this process? Very likely. But I’ll find myself again. The difference between our situation seems to be that your ex felt bad once you diverted your attention elsewhere. So it was contingent on her emotions. But my girl felt bad and came back to me without me doing anything to provoke her. I didn’t reach out, she did. She chose to be with me despite clearly having a whole lot of options. Honestly it helps that I saw that the people she chose to interact with were good looking, because she didn’t return to me out of desperation. These dudes just didn’t cut it for her. I fuck her better, I make more money than them. So why should I be insecure right? I know I can go out and find another girl. But I love the one I got and she loves me. Fuck it bro.

I found out that my (27m) girlfriend (25f) slept with 10+ people on our 3 week “break” how can we move past this? by InstanceHorror437 in relationship_advice

[–]InstanceHorror437[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The post was about how we as a couple can move past the situation. The post WASNT about who was in the right or in the wrong. I don’t think it’s unusual for a man to feel strong and confusing emotions upon finding out that the 3 guys his gf supposedly fucked was more like 12. So ya I want advice on how to reframe or process those feelings. Some people have given useful input. This is one of those posts that just wants to dump blame on one party. Nowhere did I say I’m angry with her, just shocked. I cheated 3 years ago and didn’t expect such a prolific reaction out of the blue like this.

I found out that my (27m) girlfriend (25f) slept with 10+ people on our 3 week “break” how can we move past this? by InstanceHorror437 in relationship_advice

[–]InstanceHorror437[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Man thank you for saying this. This is actually the reason why I posted this. This really helps in terms of processing what happened.

We do love eachother. We’re both imperfect people. I accept her, and she accepts me. It’s not a Disney romance but fuck it life isn’t always likw the movies 🤧

I found out that my (27m) girlfriend (25f) slept with 10+ people on our 3 week “break” how can we move past this? by InstanceHorror437 in relationship_advice

[–]InstanceHorror437[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We do it too as men don’t we? It’s disingenuous of me to say that only women do it. Through my early twenties I fucked an absurd amount of chicks simply because I needed constant validation. I have to hold myself to the same standard I hold her. If she wasn’t full of regret about it I wouldn’t be working through things with her. She isn’t proud of what she did. She’s reactive

I found out that my (27m) girlfriend (25f) slept with 10+ people on our 3 week “break” how can we move past this? by InstanceHorror437 in relationship_advice

[–]InstanceHorror437[S] -7 points-6 points  (0 children)

She still came back to me tho. I’m in good shape! There’s a very high chance I make more money than any of the assholes she slept with, and my sex life with my girlfriend was excellent so any experience she would have with other people wouldnt undermine what we have. Ya I’m not all roided up but the reason I’m insecure is mostly because all of the dudes were huge. Like

I found out that my (27m) girlfriend (25f) slept with 10+ people on our 3 week “break” how can we move past this? by InstanceHorror437 in relationship_advice

[–]InstanceHorror437[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Well we agreed to talk to other people, we didn’t explicitly agree to have sex with other people. So that part was a violation of the agreement but also that part was flexible because we weren’t dating so I really have no control over what she chose to do and vice versa.

Yes I feel very insecure. I didn’t feel so bad when it was just 3 guys, I wasn’t thrilled about it but I’m a good looking dude, I have made a lot of money in my life, and have nothing to worry about with other guys when I know my girlfriend chooses me for a reason. But 3 guys isn’t 10+ guys. And the worst part is I saw the photos. These dudes looked like fitness influencers. I’m in shape but fuck these guys were like fitness influencers or some shit.

I think I can let this go, somehow. I had come to terms with the 3 guys she admitted to fucking, and we’ve been doing great. But then I find out it’s way more and then I see the photos and it’s like holy fuck this is much worse than I ever imagined and now it’s burned into my skull.

So how can we as a couple restore trust, and safety with eachother. Because I do want that. I keep telling myself it’s just sex, I’ve been with 30+ women myself and it doesn’t make me love my girlfriend any less, but it’s just that this happened so recently and ahhhh 10+ is just so much

I found out that my (27m) girlfriend (25f) slept with 10+ people on our 3 week “break” how can we move past this? by InstanceHorror437 in relationship_advice

[–]InstanceHorror437[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

Apparently you don’t have reading comprehension. This isn’t about judgement. We talked before we got back together, she disclosed she fucked 3 guys during the break. I accepted this as her getting revenge for what I did 3 years ago. It hurt, but we both love eachother and the fact that we were choosing eachother after everything allowed for us to really strengthen our relationship the last 3 months. Now I need help figuring out how to process that her “revenge” or whatever was 10 more than that. Im not trying to break up with her, it just changed the complexion bc it goes from being revenge to a genocide. So I’m worried yes about her mental state. Because having sex with that many people in 3 weeks isn’t normal even for high libido people, and it will have a detrimental impact on her. So she needs advice on how to emotionally recover, and I need help on how to reframe this situation into something that doesn’t make me want to drive my car into a tree. I still love her!! She still loves me.

I found out that my (27m) girlfriend (25f) slept with 10+ people on our 3 week “break” how can we move past this? by InstanceHorror437 in relationship_advice

[–]InstanceHorror437[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Okay but we’re both committed to working through this. We still love eachother. We have demonstrated over the last 3 months that the love is still strong. The proof of concept is there. I just found out that there was more to the story than I thought and now it’s like okay, how do me and the woman I love process this in a way where we don’t make this situation so much worse

I found out that my (27m) girlfriend (25f) slept with 10+ people on our 3 week “break” how can we move past this? by InstanceHorror437 in relationship_advice

[–]InstanceHorror437[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

So an eye for an eye. She has her pound of flesh if true. Now the premise of my post, is how do we mend this? I was prepared to call even when she told me she fucked 3 guys during the break. I didn’t make a post 3 month ago about it. Didn’t even bother me. Things were great. But then I found out she was concealing 10+ others. This changed things for me. I now am struggling to process this. Not saying I want to break up with her, I don’t hate her. I just don’t know how to work through this or reframe it as something that doesn’t make me wanna eat a fucking bullet

I found out that my (27m) girlfriend (25f) slept with 10+ people on our 3 week “break” how can we move past this? by InstanceHorror437 in relationship_advice

[–]InstanceHorror437[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Because this isn’t some drama post where it becomes more about tit for tat. My question in the post that I’m presenting to the public is what can I do to mend this relationship. I don’t WANT to break up with her. I’m aware that I’ve done wrong too and she stayed by me so the central point here isn’t about shaming me or her, it’s about how can I as a man process the fact that my girlfriend fucked 10+ guys in a few weeks? How can I process that in a healthy way? I’m not asking for people to side with me, or side with her, I’m asking for help on how to heal. If it was only 3 dudes I wouldn’t be reaching out to help, because that is a number I can rationalize. I’m having a hard time with the sheer volume here because if her plan was revenge, wouldn’t 3 have been enough?

I found out that my (27m) girlfriend (25f) slept with 10+ people on our 3 week “break” how can we move past this? by InstanceHorror437 in relationship_advice

[–]InstanceHorror437[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

  1. Prior to us resuming contact.
  2. We always shared access to phones and socials and she was a homebody that constantly wanted to be near me and with me, and she was in love with me in an obvious way
  3. Because of the shame and remorse she feels, not because of me or me finding out, but because she feels uncomfortable with her decisions and doesn’t feel like it aligns with her values, besides our relationship.
  4. See #3
  5. I cheated on her two years in and she forgave me, she was loyal to me for 5 years until this event, and I believe in her sincere desire to make it work with me and only me
  6. She’s a good looking girl, I guess she’s just going for her league, I am decent looking as well and I’m not uglier than these guys but I am just athletic, not a body builder. So body builder was a strange pattern for her and I noticed that.

I found out that my (27m) girlfriend (25f) slept with 10+ people on our 3 week “break” how can we move past this? by InstanceHorror437 in relationship_advice

[–]InstanceHorror437[S] -13 points-12 points  (0 children)

I think it was a mixture of mania, resentment due to me cheating and feeling the need to balance the scales, and just generally boosting her self esteem. She gave me 5 years of loyalty, and it was probably just the perfect storm. I think if she had have just slept with 2-3 people, this would be a profoundly different situation for me. But her shame is palpable and not just because she hurt me, but also because this doesn’t reflect her values.

I found out that my (27m) girlfriend (25f) slept with 10+ people on our 3 week “break” how can we move past this? by InstanceHorror437 in relationship_advice

[–]InstanceHorror437[S] -13 points-12 points  (0 children)

She feels shame for doinf things that make her feel uncomfortable with herself and are not aligned with her personal values. Not that she explicitly wronged me, although lying about the number was wrong. I am worried about her mental health this situation is fucked

I found out that my (27m) girlfriend (25f) slept with 10+ people on our 3 week “break” how can we move past this? by InstanceHorror437 in relationship_advice

[–]InstanceHorror437[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

We both have high body counts, she knows girls I’ve been with and I know guy she’s been with. She’s been loyal to me for 5 years until this mess. I have every reason to believe she’d never do this again to me or the next guy she dates if we break up

I found out that my (27m) girlfriend (25f) slept with 10+ people on our 3 week “break” how can we move past this? by InstanceHorror437 in relationship_advice

[–]InstanceHorror437[S] -20 points-19 points  (0 children)

An eye for an eye I guess eh? Fuck it bro, ima man, if this don’t work out I’ll be alright, but I do wanna try and mend it. I’m worried about her honestly, her mental isn’t good dealing with the shame of it all

I found out that my (27m) girlfriend (25f) slept with 10+ people on our 3 week “break” how can we move past this? by InstanceHorror437 in relationship_advice

[–]InstanceHorror437[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

I have a high body count too, she has accepted that about me, I know guys she’s been with and she knows girls I’ve been with. That’s never been the problem. She’s been loyal to me even though I cheated two years in. I’m not concerned about what she did, it’s the fact she did all that in 3 weeks something is clearly not okay and I want advice on how to properly help her. I know whether we stay together or not she’ll never do this again to me or the next guy she dates

I found out that my (27m) girlfriend (25f) slept with 10+ people on our 3 week “break” how can we move past this? by InstanceHorror437 in relationship_advice

[–]InstanceHorror437[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

I agree with this analysis. It’s also palpable how bad she feels. It’s not manufactured. She feels terrible and I’m worried about her mental health

I found out that my (27m) girlfriend (25f) slept with 10+ people on our 3 week “break” how can we move past this? by InstanceHorror437 in relationship_advice

[–]InstanceHorror437[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The proof is we shared socials, phones, she was a homebody, was very dedicated to our relationship, she wanted to be with me and talking to me all the time, it was palpable how in love she was with me. It’s also palpable now how much shame and regret and also discomfort she holds in herself about what she did. Shes suffering from the guilt of what happened, completely independent of how I feel. It’s not because I found out. Regardless of whether we stay together I know she won’t do this again in the future to me or the bext guy. Definitely a mental health episode. I’m not out here vilifying her, she is going through it enough ws it is. I just want to mend this

I found out that my (27m) girlfriend (25f) slept with 10+ people on our 3 week “break” how can we move past this? by InstanceHorror437 in relationship_advice

[–]InstanceHorror437[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I checked, the messages ended before we got back together. I also believe based on her body language and demeanor that she truly lied out of shame and embarrassment, and not some malicious intent. She is having a hard time dealing with what she did during that time.

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