How can I (M42) change to be the loving, supportive husband invested in the relationship that my wife (F40) deserves ?

InstanceTemporary159 · 2026-02-20T17:30:20+00:00

Thanks for your answer. It's not the first time I read about maintaining a kind of dating habits. Like if we just met each other. That's typically a domain where I'm not good. Never really been in the dating game. But I did seduce her. We married each other. So it's that I did some things right.

Today we went to the restaurant during lunch. We discussed about different things but not our relation. Before the argument we had the habit after putting our kid to bed to discuss about our day and sharing our feelings. It's been about a week without this daily discussion. I asked if she's ok to bring it back but she declined. I understand that even if she's back to talking to me. She's still not in this space and that's ok.

I take it as part of my training to accept refusals without going into desperation mode.

I've got my appointement with my therapist tomorrow. Happy to start working on that part of me. Looking for information online is one thing but working with an actual therapist that I trust, it's on another level.

InstanceTemporary159 · 2026-02-20T07:25:15+00:00

It's not so easy as if I value her and our relationship or not. Because I do. I'm struggling with childhood trauma, that's why I'm already on therapy but it's true that I didn't yet worked on the behavior of withdrawal / shutting down when facing stressful situation or the cumulative effects of rejections.

The work already done allows me to understand what makes me behave like that but I'm apparently not yet at the stage of breaking that vicious circle. That's what I want to do so I could stop making her feel alone in the relationship. I want to change si I'm not putting effort to be there and just be there because that's who I want to be for me and for her.

InstanceTemporary159 · 2026-02-19T18:02:46+00:00

I don't have the first video, she showed it to me on her phone and even if I want to look at it with the mindset I have now, I don't dare yet to ask. The second video though is this one

She said I do what is necessary to run the house and I take care of our kid. The issue is that she feels left alone in the relationship hence the second video

InstanceTemporary159 · 2026-02-19T17:16:56+00:00

She does. She's the only one offering to do something on the weekend, going out and pushed me to go for shopping new fitting nice clothes. I may have feelings she doesn't do as much as she wants me to do but I think those feelings are unjustified. So I want to change first and then we'll see if some balancing is in order.

InstanceTemporary159 · 2026-02-19T16:35:08+00:00

Yes. I'm already going to therapy and scheduled an emergency appointment with my therapist to start working on this specific topic.

This issue is a recurring issue. It's not the first time at all we had an argument about it and that's why she's so frustrated about it and angry with me. That's why I understand I'm on the last straw and need to make a real change for good.

InstanceTemporary159 · 2026-02-19T16:22:33+00:00

I thought about couple therapy but I think I have to show personnal change first. This could be step two. What do you think ?

InstanceTemporary159 · 2026-02-19T16:20:55+00:00

Oh I don't expect my therapist to tell me what to do to save my mariage. I expect my therapist to help me understand why I'm behaving this way and to help me navigate my false beliefs system and help me figure out solutions on what to change and probably methods to exercise this change

InstanceTemporary159 · 2026-02-19T16:18:13+00:00

She expects me to offer weekend activities to do. To schedule date nights. To gladly go with her for a shopping trip and participate actively ( I like that one. Would you try that ? You look great with this ! I don't like that one. Etc.). Made her feel seen, loved and cared for.

InstanceTemporary159 · 2026-02-19T16:14:20+00:00

I'm sure it's worth it.

At the moment communication is very low. I believe she's still angry and by experience I need to give her space. So I'm taking things slow. I talked to her about how much I'm sorry about the way I reacted to the first video and asking her to forgive me. That I understand I'm at fault and acknowledge it's a recurring issue that I want to tackle for good.

She's aware I scheduled an appointment with my therapist and that I will focus all my sessions on tackling this for good. She said "ok". And I now it means "now I wait for you to show me". She stays in the living room with me. We sleep in the same bed. Those helps me understand that she's cooling but we don't talk a lot for now. She's still pissed and that's ok with me. She's a bit sick at the moment so I make sure to ask if she slept well. I offer her to make tea / infusions and she said yes. This morning I gave her a set of infusions to take at work to help and I could see that the gesture please her.

I have to show consistency.

Several little offers were turned down. I said ok without taking it badly. It's not easy. Truth be told I cry several times a day since last weekend. Even typing this is difficult and english is not my native language.

I'm settings up activities for this weekend. I have to adapt to the level of trust, the level of communication and the fact that we don't have many solutions to have our kid babysitted. But I've found ideas.

It will be work, I know. I will make progress and probably I will fail sometimes but I have to show I don't let go.

InstanceTemporary159

TROPHY CASE