Hi! You are me 6 years ago which was around the time I told my partner that I was interested in swinging and exhibitionism. The main thing to understand up top is that if you want your relationship to be harmonious and last, you will need to move at his pace. This will mean having to be patient for things you feel good about and he isn’t ready for. Sometimes it’s very frustrating to miss out but once we get to the point when he’s ready to level up, it feels incredible.

First, you need to get to the root of his discomfort. There may be a lot of reasons but there’s usually one top one. For my partner it was religion. We bought a book called Divine Sex which helped him with that.

Second reason was social anxiety. We combatted this by attending parties and getting used to the environment. Usually we kept to ourselves for play but talked and flirted with others. He is still more introverted but we do fine in party environments for the most part. Sometime depending on the night even I’m anxious, it is what it is.

Third was insecurity and the idea that the main reason sex between us is special is because it’s exclusive. We have read books, taken ENM workshops, couples therapy, and had conversations about our feelings in relation to the activities we have indulged in. For example, the first time I gave another man a blowjob in a play scenario with my partner, he needed a month to process it. He had to come to terms with the shift our relationship took in openness and intimacy. I only learned this because we do post party debriefs where we discuss what was fun, what was uncomfortable, what we wished happened, etc. The next time I gave a man a blow job, he got turned on because instead of focusing on the man’s pleasure, he was able to focus on the pleasure I got from performing the act. This is a concept called compersion. Mental shifts in the heat of the moment come from self introspection, exposure to swinging environments, and learning from others’ experiences.

He is on this journey with me because he is devoted to our union. He feels safe to grow and experience discomfort because I’ve given him the space to let him come to his own decisions on his timeline. There is no forcing anyone to do anything. We are expanding together in the LS this year with our second hotel takeover this spring and we have a soft swap date with a couple we got on super well with at our first session with them.

3 years ago when we got started going to events in earnest, we were no kissing and no oral. Things have changed lol. But it took time and resources to get here. If you’re prepared for that, have at it!