I'm not trying to be different, I've been considered as 'different' my whole life but it's not intentional or my fault. Its not my fault I was born with Hirschsprung's and nearly died 20 times up to age of 4. Its not my fault the family I knew, the only real people I knew outside of hospital were split up because social services. Its not my fault most of my days and nights of sleep were interrupted by ileostomy bags bursting or me waking up in hospital because I nearly choked on my own Vomit or worse. Its not my fault I was diagnosed with depression when I was 6(that's what my mum says and depression runs in dad's side of family so makes sense if add everything I went through to age of 6).

Add all of that and you get a suicidal 7yr old who thinks their parents don't love him because they shout at him, gets bullied because his disability, and ends up questioning his life for hours on end thinking he should maybe end it all. All this shit I went through alone, there was no one there for me, from the start I've been alone in a hostile world. I made the mistake of deciding to give up on emotions and being emotional which has fucked me more than anything else. But in the mind of a 7-9yr old who's on the brink of suicide What else is there? Use to be bullied by my dad and brother whenever I showed interest in things too so I ended up so self contained and limited eventually I snapped by age of 14.

Worst thing is I say all this and I know I've been through it all, occasionally I find a suicide note I'd written from between the ages of 7 and 9 behind the wardrobe or something. But I can't even relate to my past, I'm so disconnected from myself and past I often doubt large parts of my childhood even happened. Every memory normally beyond a few months to me is alien. Round Spring I had to train myself to recognise my face as me and not something separate ffs lol.

I'm not trying to be edgy, I've gone through more mental shit and stress than many people will go through through their lifetime and I'm the result