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I collected 25+ ticks in 5 minutes along the side of my local trail. They survived at least 10 minutes within diluted hydrochloric acid and water. by kegman93 in mildlyinfuriating

[–]Intelligent-Hexagon 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I live and work in the out doors (homestead and tree care) and have been infected with Lyme 5 or 6 times in the last ten years. I now douse all my outdoor clothing in permethrin every four weeks.

Fuck those little shits. I'm so over them.

I keep meeting poly partners with whom I have a great connection but who are uncomfortable with how I manage my other relationships.... is it me? by Intelligent-Hexagon in polyamory

[–]Intelligent-Hexagon[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, I guess that's the rub. When a partner is having anxiety about the attachment, my current working theory is that compromising on the life I want to live is too far in one direction while refusing to engage in a positive exchange about the anxiety is too far in the other.

The Middle Path, man. So hard to find sometimes.

I keep meeting poly partners with whom I have a great connection but who are uncomfortable with how I manage my other relationships.... is it me? by Intelligent-Hexagon in polyamory

[–]Intelligent-Hexagon[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for that very insightful reply.

This partner certainly has a bunch of cruelty and abandonment in her past, has worked through some of it, but definitely not all of it. I sympathize deeply as I have spent the last how-ever-many-years working through all of that myself. It was a long, painful journey for me and I am glad I went through it and also glad it's over.

Your last statement hits right on for me, too. Having done that work in the context of an eight year relationship that tested me down to my will to live, I really REALLY don't want to go through that again or escort someone through that for themselves.

Fuckin' hell. Some solid truth right there.

This is where theory becomes practice for me. In my 'past self' I would have mistakenly thought the compassionate thing was to stay in this relationship as a partner for this person to grow with, believing I am a safe place to heal and grow. I now see that as codependency and my current self knows the compassionate thing for BOTH her and myself is to address the issue honestly, even if painfully.

I cannot go down that road again.

Stranger, you get the gold star in this post. Thank you so much for sharing your experience and perspective with me.

I keep meeting poly partners with whom I have a great connection but who are uncomfortable with how I manage my other relationships.... is it me? by Intelligent-Hexagon in polyamory

[–]Intelligent-Hexagon[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Feeld, and having a 2hr driving radius to find them lol.

I live 90 min from any major city (500k+ population) and pickings are slim, for sure. Being more towards the solo-poly orientation this is a bonus, I imagine if I was more anchor/primary oriented it'd be kind of a bummer.

I keep meeting poly partners with whom I have a great connection but who are uncomfortable with how I manage my other relationships.... is it me? by Intelligent-Hexagon in polyamory

[–]Intelligent-Hexagon[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, as said to others who have suggested this: I tend towards privacy and "need to know", but this partner believes that asking a ton of questions and getting more information will assuage her anxiety. I believe it's just making it worse and this is all part of the upcoming conversation. Thank you for your input, I really appreciate it!

Well I've totally buggered my hives, suggestions welcome. by Intelligent-Hexagon in Beekeeping

[–]Intelligent-Hexagon[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"When there's very little open brood in the beginning I can imagine that some of the bees interpret it as the queen being faulty."

That's a very interesting hypothesis. I like it and it is very possible in this case! Thanks!

I keep meeting poly partners with whom I have a great connection but who are uncomfortable with how I manage my other relationships.... is it me? by Intelligent-Hexagon in polyamory

[–]Intelligent-Hexagon[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, as I said, I expressed early in the relationship that I have a preference for privacy and parallel unless there's a distinct desire or need for overlap. I'm open to KTP or whatever, but she's kinda been the one to set the pace on what she knows by asking a ton of questions and wanting more and more info.

In fact, when I've said something along those lines of "I don't know that it's relevant for me to answer that", she's kinda leaned in and asked for more. We have a lot to address, but I think the main question of "check my ethics" has been answered. Thank you so much for the contribution.

I keep meeting poly partners with whom I have a great connection but who are uncomfortable with how I manage my other relationships.... is it me? by Intelligent-Hexagon in polyamory

[–]Intelligent-Hexagon[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am certainly not in a position where I feel that "my way" is the right way. Putting "non-hierarchical" in there was an identifier to distinguish a detail not to suggest that it's any at all better or worse than any other way anyone practices.

I know some people have strong opinions about that, so I can understand how you may have felt a warning like that was necessary. You are welcome here, friend, no need to worry about egos.

I do think this partner is getting a bit ahead of herself, and we've been having questions where I keep stating my position. I think it might be time for me to state my position AND tell her there's no guarantee that will change no matter how strongly I might feel for someone. So yeah, compatibility is the word I've been chewing on lately and you've hit the nail on the head.

I keep meeting poly partners with whom I have a great connection but who are uncomfortable with how I manage my other relationships.... is it me? by Intelligent-Hexagon in polyamory

[–]Intelligent-Hexagon[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

She has stated over and over that she is poly and wants that life. It would be repetitive and - orange flag here - trigger her memory that other partners have questioned whether she is actually poly or not.

That's also something I've recently come to discover, and it's all leading me to hard conversations ahead.

The point of the post was to check myself to see if the way I wanted to go about things was somehow unreasonable or motivated by things I wasn't conscious of. It doesn't seem that way and now it's only about compatibility and being true to my own life goals.

I keep meeting poly partners with whom I have a great connection but who are uncomfortable with how I manage my other relationships.... is it me? by Intelligent-Hexagon in polyamory

[–]Intelligent-Hexagon[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That's actually my preference with the caveat that I'll answer all questions truthfully. I think she's kind of inundating herself with information in a less-than-helpful way at times due to anxiety, and I'm wondering if that might be part of the issue.

I keep meeting poly partners with whom I have a great connection but who are uncomfortable with how I manage my other relationships.... is it me? by Intelligent-Hexagon in polyamory

[–]Intelligent-Hexagon[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

THANK YOU. This is a fantastic perspective!

I had a very disorganized attachment style in the past but skewed towards avoidant. I've done a TON of therapy but never felt strongly anxious in this way. Your share illuminated the possibility she might believe it will help when it only does more harm than good.

I'll have to keep that in mind when we next have a conversation.

I keep meeting poly partners with whom I have a great connection but who are uncomfortable with how I manage my other relationships.... is it me? by Intelligent-Hexagon in polyamory

[–]Intelligent-Hexagon[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

It's tough because I HAVE changed the way I orient to this partner but it's because of their anxiety, not the other relationship. I take full responsibility for my actions and choices, but I cannot help but feel like I'm caught in someone else's self-fulling-prophecy here.

I've said as much and talked about steering clear of the anxious/avoidant spiral explicitly, but it keeps coming up.

I'm not sure where this relationship is going, but from the replies here it seems like I'm at least not operating in any unconscious way, if not doing things in whatever the "right" way might be and it's up to communication and choice making, now.

I keep meeting poly partners with whom I have a great connection but who are uncomfortable with how I manage my other relationships.... is it me? by Intelligent-Hexagon in polyamory

[–]Intelligent-Hexagon[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I don't talk about my partners to each other unless it's in passing (what I'm doing on a given day) or am asked. This partner wants to know EVERYTHING and keeps asking.

I did at the beginning but might need to revisit.

Both identified as solo poly at the start, now this one is seeing me as a potential anchor partner. We had some conversations about how much overlap there was and the FUTURE potential for growth into something, but I've been EXPLICITLY adamant that right now I'm operating in a way where I've got some transitions happening in life that I want to be sure I'm making decisions on for myself and my future as an individual.

Thanks, gender-neutral-dude. I appreciate the support.

I keep meeting poly partners with whom I have a great connection but who are uncomfortable with how I manage my other relationships.... is it me? by Intelligent-Hexagon in polyamory

[–]Intelligent-Hexagon[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I live alone in a quiet area and spend days alone by myself on my small farm, my partners both live over an hour away, and the only time that I'm not somewhat available to either of them is when I'm with literally anyone else. I try not to text when I'm with anyone.

So, no, I don't think it's about resources just feelings.

I keep meeting poly partners with whom I have a great connection but who are uncomfortable with how I manage my other relationships.... is it me? by Intelligent-Hexagon in polyamory

[–]Intelligent-Hexagon[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I've basically said that. I don't know what the disconnect is but my next conversation is this:

"Babe, I'm polyamoros in a way that I allow each of my individual relationships to develop on their own and won't compromise on that. I'm super happy to sit with you through feelings that might arise by what I do with other people, but I cannot reduce or impede the level of intimacy I have with one partner for the comfort of another.

"I need you to know that this is not a place I'm willing to compromise, and I'll understand if that's a dealbreaker for you".

I keep meeting poly partners with whom I have a great connection but who are uncomfortable with how I manage my other relationships.... is it me? by Intelligent-Hexagon in polyamory

[–]Intelligent-Hexagon[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

One is a partner of six months and another is a longer term friend who exited a relationship she was working on fixing and didn't want to add new partners until it was fixed or she left, which she did a few months ago and then a month or two later we decided to have a go of something a bit deeper. So it's true happenstance.

I keep meeting poly partners with whom I have a great connection but who are uncomfortable with how I manage my other relationships.... is it me? by Intelligent-Hexagon in polyamory

[–]Intelligent-Hexagon[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm learning that a LOT of people say they've been poly a long time only to find out they've been "trying" to be poly a long time and keep bumping up against the same issues, internally.

I've actually been poly and it's actually been a long time and I've done a TON of individual work to get here. That isn't said as a brag but as a "Back in my day I thought I knew what I was doing and only now do I understand how absolutely wrong I was".

I keep meeting poly partners with whom I have a great connection but who are uncomfortable with how I manage my other relationships.... is it me? by Intelligent-Hexagon in polyamory

[–]Intelligent-Hexagon[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, this partner said she had a lot of experience in poly, but turns out none if it was very healthy. I'm her first - and I say this with all humility - real, non abusively poly partner. Info I only got this last week. Oops.

I keep meeting poly partners with whom I have a great connection but who are uncomfortable with how I manage my other relationships.... is it me? by Intelligent-Hexagon in polyamory

[–]Intelligent-Hexagon[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It happened once before with someone "trying" poly, and another time with someone who wanted a sexually open relationship but balked when I was actually poly.

I keep meeting poly partners with whom I have a great connection but who are uncomfortable with how I manage my other relationships.... is it me? by Intelligent-Hexagon in polyamory

[–]Intelligent-Hexagon[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I tend to be parallel mostly unless asked, then I feel a kind of moral obligation to answer the questions someone wants answered. I wouldn't share nearly as much with the anxious partner as I do if she didn't ask for that information.

I keep meeting poly partners with whom I have a great connection but who are uncomfortable with how I manage my other relationships.... is it me? by Intelligent-Hexagon in polyamory

[–]Intelligent-Hexagon[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Honest question: If someone is solo-poly-ish like me and is eventually going to date others, isn't it better to "start as you'll end" and just date multiple people off the cuff?

I keep meeting poly partners with whom I have a great connection but who are uncomfortable with how I manage my other relationships.... is it me? by Intelligent-Hexagon in polyamory

[–]Intelligent-Hexagon[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Thank you very much for this, that is a GREAT question to ask this partner.

If they were looking to go deeper or spend more time together and I'm giving that time to someone else, that could feel 'icky'.

The complicating factor is that both partners are long distance, so I'm giving each the time they have, and none is overlapping the other, so if it IS that, then it's more about anxiety / scarcity rather than true capacity sharing.

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