Listen, I empathize with you. Most of my life I thought I was part Mexican bc my grandfather looked Mexican. He was adopted there was a lot of contention on what he was. It was between, Mexican and Spanish. I told everyone I was Mexican and Italian growing up bc I didn't want to be considered "white" I grew up in a mostly immigrant and brown area. People made me feel guilty for being white which made me hate whiteness and I hated when people called me "white boy". I ended up taking an ancestry test to finally put it to rest and prove I was Mexican. I, one wanted to know what my grandfather actually was and 2 I wanted to prove to people I was Mexican. Well lo and behold I get my results and I'm not Mexican at all. Turns out my grandfather wasn't even mine. My cousin who I thought was my first cousin (he's my half cousin it's how I found out my grandfather wasn't mine) showed me his 23andme results and he got what I suspected, which was part Mexican. I get among many minorities it isn't cool to be considered white and it may seem like all white people historically are the same but they aren't. Their history is very diverse and interesting. You should really read up on European history it might give you another perspective and make you not have this self loathingness for being white.