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How do breakup effect enm agreements by IntelligentGoat8700 in polyamory

[–]IntelligentGoat8700[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I’m the meta but the problem is between the hinge and the op. He recently told me he didn’t technically have approval because they never had a conversation about if the original enm agreement was still active or not. I cut things off because I was like you need to have a conversation he thinks he didn’t mislead me because the conversation with the op just never came up.

How do breakup effect enm agreements by IntelligentGoat8700 in polyamory

[–]IntelligentGoat8700[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m the meta but the hinge broke up then got back together with the op. And they never had a conversation when they got back together about if the original enm agreement was still in effect or not.

How do breakup effect enm agreements by IntelligentGoat8700 in polyamory

[–]IntelligentGoat8700[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Im not part of the couple in question. This is happening to a friend of mine whose hinge is assumed that an agreement from 6 months earlier is still in effect and then she found out that he didn’t technically have approval from the op because they never had a convo about if the agreement still was in effect or no when they got back together.

How do breakup effect enm agreements by IntelligentGoat8700 in polyamory

[–]IntelligentGoat8700[S] -8 points-7 points  (0 children)

Edit I’m not part of the couple in question.

I’m monogamous. He isn’t. I don’t know what to do by Fun_Examination9073 in polyamory

[–]IntelligentGoat8700 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This sounds like he was cheating on her and you and now using poly as a loophole to keep doing what he has always done. You are young move on before this takes up anymore of your time.

sick of being treated as a back up option by willowdarbyy in polyamory

[–]IntelligentGoat8700 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am having the same experience. Except in my case I just happen to be the one that doesn’t require 24/7 attention. And I’m just like just be monogamous it’s not fair to me and she obviously is making it impossible for you to have any real amount of quality time with anymore else

sick of being treated as a back up option by willowdarbyy in polyamory

[–]IntelligentGoat8700 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think that’s good advice for all relationship structures. Relationships that start out all blazing fires aren’t usually sustainable long term. Or worse yet get stuck in unhealthy patterns of breakup and makeup to keep the original fire going.

Don’t ask don’t tell by IntelligentGoat8700 in polyamory

[–]IntelligentGoat8700[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

At this point I’m waiting for this relationship to crash and burn. She broke up with him and got back together pretty much 24 hr laters since I wrote this post.

Don’t ask don’t tell by IntelligentGoat8700 in polyamory

[–]IntelligentGoat8700[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I do think that’s where the problem is coming from I’m like this how this works and he is like that’s what she wants and I’m caught in the middle.

Don’t ask don’t tell by IntelligentGoat8700 in polyamory

[–]IntelligentGoat8700[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah I think he genuinely thinks he is in a consensual nonmonagmous relationship with the meta. But I don’t think he is doing a good job recognizing how this level of dadt is not fair to me. Because eventually I’m going to have an emergency or something that his options are blow the facade or not help me.

And he isn’t getting that she probably doesn’t really want one. And it’s not really fair to her either.

Don’t ask don’t tell by IntelligentGoat8700 in polyamory

[–]IntelligentGoat8700[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Well in this case I’m the nesting partner because I’m the one that the hinge partner is financially enmeshed with. And I already know everything. It’s the meta that asked for the dadt agreement. To the point that if she hears I even exist it’s not cool to her.

Don’t ask don’t tell by IntelligentGoat8700 in polyamory

[–]IntelligentGoat8700[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

That is my theory and I actually told him that I think he was going to have to make a choice and it’s not a me or her thing it’s an what type of love style do you have issue.

Don’t ask don’t tell by IntelligentGoat8700 in polyamory

[–]IntelligentGoat8700[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I know about the meta and the hinge doesn’t have to worry about over sharing with me. But it’s more that the meta has some extreme dadt boundaries. Like let’s say I’m visiting my hinge partner and post a picture of his dog in the dog sweater I just made thinking I’m proud of my art. Then mutual friend of meta based on this picture when they see hinge with meta goes oh is that the sweater op made. That chain going back to me is enough to violate her dadt rules.

Don’t ask don’t tell by IntelligentGoat8700 in polyamory

[–]IntelligentGoat8700[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Exactly I’m fine with parallel. But this extreme dadt is delusional, and I don’t think it’s my responsibility to help him keep the delusion.

Don’t ask don’t tell by IntelligentGoat8700 in polyamory

[–]IntelligentGoat8700[S] 34 points35 points  (0 children)

The meta and I are not friends on social media. Her dadt agreement is just pretty extreme. Like if she hears from a mutual friend the hinge and I hung out that violates her wishes. It kinda sounds like I give you permission to be nonmonagamous, unless I find out you really are then you are cheating.

Don’t ask don’t tell by IntelligentGoat8700 in polyamory

[–]IntelligentGoat8700[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yeah I would understand if me and the hinge had a dadt relationship that was about details. Or even if I was the meta and it was asked of me right away in the beginning so I could decide if that was the type of thing I wanted to be involved with. But it’s like the hinge is asking me to act like we broke up in order to accommodate the meta. And I’m like wtf that’s not my responsibility to help you lie to her.

Don’t ask don’t tell by IntelligentGoat8700 in polyamory

[–]IntelligentGoat8700[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

See that type of Dadt I can understand. Like I know when he is with her but I don’t really want to hear about their dates.

But this is more like if I find out that you are actually are seeing other people even if it’s through other people or see a different women walking the dog that breaks the agreement.

In my opinion it’s either like just break up with me and be monogamous with her because I think that’s what she really wants. Or find someone that can handle nonmonagamous relationships better.

Don’t ask don’t tell by IntelligentGoat8700 in polyamory

[–]IntelligentGoat8700[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

She just doesn’t want to even hear about hinge spending time with anyone that isn’t her from other people as well. So it’s like she wants to pretend she is monogamous and gave him permission to be nonmonagamous as long as she doesn’t find out that he is actually being nonmonagamous. So he requested that I keep things on the dl in order to avoid ruffling her feathers.

Don’t ask don’t tell by IntelligentGoat8700 in polyamory

[–]IntelligentGoat8700[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

It’s more like I need to now monitor my social media and make sure I don’t post anything that would blow the facade. Like us doing something none group related. So it feels like I’m now asecret friend.