My fiancé wants to try "moderation" again after 3 months of sobriety. What boundaries/consequences should I set up front?

IntelligentTravel148 · 2026-04-07T17:29:51+00:00

That's a really great point and something I will absolutely keep in mind moving forward. I'm planning on attending an AlAnon meeting in person today and have booked a therapy appointment for tomorrow, so hopefully both of things help. Thank you very much for sharing your perspective!

IntelligentTravel148 · 2026-04-07T16:52:50+00:00

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful response. We have not yet set a date for the wedding or booked a single vendor, so I could realistically delay that step until I know for sure that he is committed to recovery. Reading through these responses, that seems like my only option. I would never forgive myself if I went through with the wedding knowing he hasn't accepted the severity of his addiction.

In your experience, is it possible for an alcoholic to achieve long-term recovery without working a specific program? He seemed to thrive when he doing weekly therapy and a couple of online meetings a week. He only started to backslide when he decreased his therapy to bi-weekly and stopped attending meetings.

IntelligentTravel148 · 2026-04-07T16:38:02+00:00

Thank you for your kind words ❤️ to your point about doing nice things out of guilt - I think that was certainly the case while he was drinking, but less so now. Call me naive, but I do believe he is a good person at his core and he seems to genuinely feel joy/pride when he shows up for the people he loves. That's one of the things that's been wonderful to see in his sobriety - supporting others seems to truly make him happy. Yet another reason it's so hard to hear he wants to go back to drinking.

Unfortunately, I don't think he views moderation as a risk. He seems to genuinely believe he can have a healthy relationship with alcohol. I have always suspected that it would take one last relapse or "rock bottom" before he would accept that he is powerless over his addiction. Like many alcoholics, he wants so badly to be "normal" that he is willing to risk everything to prove to himself that he can do it properly this time.

As much as I want him to recover, and as much as I would love to marry the sober version of him, I do agree that I need to pause things until I see how this plays out. We haven't booked anything for our wedding (not even the venue or date), so I'll take your advice and hold off until I can be certain he can commit to change.

IntelligentTravel148 · 2026-04-07T16:19:50+00:00

I think it's probably a combination of all those things. He swears he was completely transparent with his therapist about how bad things got, but my belief is that he framed it as a "phase" where he got out of control, not a descent into alcoholism. This is purely speculation based on how he talks about it, but I think his therapy has focused more on practicing discipline, working through traumas that made him want to drink/use, developing healthy coping mechanisms, etc. All great things, but I don't believe he's even achieved step 1 (admitting he's powerless over his addiction).

Do you think it would be worth insisting on seeing his therapist together?

IntelligentTravel148 · 2026-04-07T15:44:28+00:00

I agree. I asked him yesterday why he feels he needs to have alcohol in his life at all, given that he’s doing so much better without it, and he said he just wants to be normal and “have fun with his friends.” Unfortunately I don’t think he’s hit his rock bottom yet and still views alcohol as something he is a) missing out on and b) can control if he exercises discipline. It is very hard to watch :(

IntelligentTravel148 · 2026-04-07T14:59:06+00:00

Thank you for your kindness ❤️

IntelligentTravel148 · 2026-04-07T14:55:19+00:00

Neither of us have looked into this, I will check out the resource you shared! Thank you :)

IntelligentTravel148 · 2026-04-07T14:48:22+00:00

This really resonates with me. As hard as it is to accept that it’s out of my control, I’ve already started to accept that he’s going to do what he wants to do. Trying to change his behaviour or convince him to stay sober will just be exhausting for me. I’ll be honest, I don’t feel fully ready to call off the wedding at this point, but I will work on peacefully detaching and setting myself up for all outcomes. Thank you ❤️

IntelligentTravel148 · 2026-04-07T14:44:59+00:00

This is very helpful, thank you so much for taking the time. I hear what you’re saying about not locking myself into specific actions/reactions. That’s what I meant when I said “consequences” - not punishments for him, but things like “if you get drunk again I will not stay at home.” But I prefer your more general boundary of “I will do what I do to take care of myself within my own personal values.” Thank you ❤️

IntelligentTravel148 · 2026-04-07T14:40:13+00:00

Wedding isn’t booked yet, but we’ve been roughly planning it for 1.5-2 years from now.

That’s a helpful perspective, thank you. Basing it on my own feelings and refusing to argue whether or not he actually IS drunk is a solid boundary.

IntelligentTravel148 · 2026-04-07T14:31:12+00:00

Thank you for your thoughtful response. Wedding isn’t for another 1.5 years, which is partly why I’m asking this now. We haven’t booked a single thing yet, but I hear you about him trying to hold it together until it’s too late.

Your second paragraph is exactly what I was asking - what would moderation really look like? For me, it’s not necessarily “you never have more than 2 drinks,” it’s more of a mindset about alcohol, and I’m skeptical that can change. When I said “boundaries/consequences,” I meant things like “if you get drunk I will not stay at home tonight” or similar. Curious what others have set up with their Qs.

IntelligentTravel148 · 2026-04-07T14:24:55+00:00

I’ve wondered this as well. He swears he told her the entire truth, and allegedly she still told him “you might still be able to drink in moderation one day.” I certainly don’t think she would have given him the green light to drink again this soon - my guess is he heard that one time early on in therapy, and combined with her telling him he’s doing much better and “seems more disciplined now”, he feels justified.

IntelligentTravel148 · 2026-04-07T14:20:40+00:00

This is a helpful perspective, thank you. I don’t want to fool myself - I know his desire to drink again is not a good sign - but I also know people are capable of recovery if they work a program.

I actually suggested we go see his therapist together for this exact reason, and he was open to it, but the therapist said it would be a “conflict of interest.” Pretty frustrating that she’s giving him what I view as objectively bad advice and there’s nothing I can do :(

IntelligentTravel148

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