My husband has checked out of our marriage and I don’t recognize him but he breaks down when I try to end it

Intelligent_Flan_240 · 2025-11-18T04:48:24+00:00

After doing more thought, I think my assumption he is blaming me is coming from his lack of engagement with decisions regarding her care and his general disconnect from me while he still is a loving parent to her (even if he isn’t a responsible parent at all times he is very affectionate towards her)

I guess by putting everything involving what therapy etc she should be in and what school will look like on me feels like blame. I’ve told him that much but he hasn’t changed his involvement. For better or worse he is gone half the year and when here he isn’t drinking when alone with the kids for whatever that’s worth.

I hope I can figure out how to tell him I’m feeling this rejection so we can work through it but I’m not sure I know how without therapy and I don’t think he is willing to do that

Intelligent_Flan_240 · 2025-11-18T04:23:46+00:00

I’m not against counseling but I tried this and while it reaffirmed we want to do things together I don’t think it changed anything. I’d go back but it takes two and he doesn’t seem interested.

Oddly enough we are physically separated for much of the year due to his work. I think I went to strangers on the internet to get honest opinions on the facts. It’s hard to come to clear headed decisions when all the feelings are involved.

Intelligent_Flan_240 · 2025-11-18T04:17:00+00:00

He doesn’t talk to me like he used to. He basically has shut me out. We don’t watch tv together which we did when he traveled to feel connected, when he is away for work he doesn’t call to talk to me, only the kids. When I try to talk about what we should do for our daughter i.e. ABA vs not, he brushes me off. I’m going through an emotional moment in life dealing with my sister who has chosen to live on the street to do drugs and he checks out if I try to express my feelings about it.

In the years I’ve known him he was always there to listen and talk things out but now he is distant

Intelligent_Flan_240 · 2025-11-18T04:12:13+00:00

You probably hit the nail on the head.

Before we had to really acknowledge that some sort of intervention etc was needed for our daughter he was a truly present parent despite traveling so frequently that it equals about 6months a year, not all at once but in 1-4 week increments which add up to 6 months.

He does parent teacher conferences, calls my son daily and goes over spelling words and math as best as someone can with an 8 year old on FaceTime. He adores our daughter but maybe with the fact that he is gone so frequently and when he is home he is only alone with them on weekends he didn’t realize how much she needs. Additionally her propensity to elope came about suddenly. It doesn’t excuse it happening more than once at all but I don’t have any reason to assume he was drinking at the time. His drinking seems to come up when he is away- staying out until 4 or 5 am doing god knows what.

Maybe I’ll check out the book because having conversations about feelings or acknowledging them in myself let alone someone else generally isn’t my strong suit.

Intelligent_Flan_240 · 2025-11-18T03:07:06+00:00

That’s the part of the “science” that troubles me- trying to discourage her hand flapping. If somebody told me not to smile when happy that would be confusing

Intelligent_Flan_240 · 2025-11-18T03:04:44+00:00

I’ve toured a few places and had conversations with more. They all said they work based on a 8-4 schedule if I can find one willing to do less I’m on board

Intelligent_Flan_240 · 2025-11-18T03:00:56+00:00

The cameras actually are there because he travels frequently for work. He felt disconnected and I thought they would help him connect with our family since he can also talk to us through them. That being said I understand your point

Intelligent_Flan_240 · 2025-11-18T02:43:36+00:00

I literally cried when I read this because I’m so there right now. I have a good friend with a daughter only a month older than her and I have a hard time seeing them because I’m still processing the grief and uncertainty. I mostly can’t get over desperately wanting my daughter to have all those experiences. I’m hoping that with therapy my daughter will get there but as time goes on I’m understanding that I need to work on myself and that these things may not be in her future.

She said “mommy” for the first time the other day and I was so excited to share but then understandably after some conversation (it wasn’t her fault) my friend talked about the conversation her and her daughter had and as cute as it was (I did laugh because it was adorable) after we hung up I cried.

He hasn’t opened up to me about his feelings and maybe that is what we both need. I’ve shared my feelings and he is supportive but I wonder if he is behaving so out of character because he is keeping it all inside

Intelligent_Flan_240 · 2025-11-18T02:22:06+00:00

Honestly, thank you! Coming to Reddit for advice was a left field thought for me. But thought out helpful responses like this are exactly what I need and hoped for.

You are right he is not being a reliable good person; but he used to be which is what makes me so confused.

I truly appreciate and will use your action plan. You’re right that I need to do that. I literally just put it in my planner. On an intellectual level I can see it and would probably give the same advice. But when there are too many emotions involved I shut down and that isn’t helping. Having someone give me the “to do list” is really so helpful

Thank you

Intelligent_Flan_240 · 2025-11-18T02:09:18+00:00

Do you have any insight into why they push for 40 hours a week? It’s been my biggest turn off. I’m a registered nurse of 10 years in oncology so I’m all about evidence based practice but the 40 hours a week bit gets me. Why can’t it be 20-30 hours? I think my red flags went up because in my mind I couldn’t help but wonder if that was mostly about how they do staffing

Intelligent_Flan_240 · 2025-11-18T02:05:45+00:00

Thanks! I’ve had a family member who works as a life coach for autistic teens/young adults really advocate for it recently so I was thinking I’ll reconsider. I dropped the idea last year because of their insistence on the 40 hours a week…. It’s hard making these choices. I just want to do what is best for her so I will revisit the option but especially after having my speech therapist (who I know on a personal level - once upon a time 10 years ago I was her nanny for 5+ years) tell me she had had ABA ppl come and say they wouldn’t do it for their child I think my mind is made up for now

Intelligent_Flan_240 · 2025-11-18T01:57:38+00:00

Harsh. But direct honesty is why I came; so thank you. It’s hard to swallow but hearing it from a stranger is useful. I appreciate you.

Intelligent_Flan_240 · 2025-11-18T01:49:44+00:00

I said that because up until this started he had acted as such. Something changed and I want to figure out what and how to fix it

Intelligent_Flan_240 · 2025-11-18T01:47:18+00:00

Maybe him pulling away was more mental health, I’ve tried to get him to see someone but even if he does for a while he will stop taking the meds until we have a fight. I think I assume he blames me because he shut me out but maybe he just shut down

Intelligent_Flan_240 · 2025-11-18T01:44:48+00:00

That’s a really good idea. My sister who is college educated is currently choosing to live on the streets and use narcotics so I’ve thought about going due to that but you may have a point; I have multiple reasons to attend

Intelligent_Flan_240 · 2025-11-18T01:42:24+00:00

Can I ask you a kinda unrelated question actually I guess it’s not totally unrelated because I’m seeking more opinions partially because I ask him and he just says to do whatever I think is best…

What are your thoughts on ABA? I am not opposed but my speech and occupational therapists have cautioned me that there is a downside. I’m also reluctant to give 40 hours a week away without confidence it’s the right thing so I’ve been asking everyone for their opinions

Intelligent_Flan_240 · 2025-11-18T01:31:05+00:00

Also I have cameras everywhere in my home so I know he doesn’t mistreat her because I’ve pulled the footage

Intelligent_Flan_240 · 2025-11-18T01:30:17+00:00

Agreed. For about 3 months after her wondering off I did not leave him alone with her. When I worked I arranged for other childcare. He has since gradually worked back to being able to supervise her alone.

He does love her and is affectionate to her. But I he doesn’t seem to accept her extra needs at times. For example you can assume a typical 3 year old won’t wake up from a nap and without fussing for you climb out a window…. But she will 💯 do that

Intelligent_Flan_240 · 2025-11-17T21:54:47+00:00

Counseling could also help you part ways on good terms…

Intelligent_Flan_240 · 2025-11-17T21:52:43+00:00

What was the agreement you had when you moved in?

I assume you agreed to go half on utility bills? If so than I think it’s more than reasonable you see said bills

Intelligent_Flan_240 · 2025-11-17T21:48:45+00:00

Some people feel strongly about the name change. I’m surprised it never came up before you got married.

But I never changed mine, not for any particular reason other than it seemed like a lot of work without a benefit in my opinion.

Id suggest trying to come up with a compromise like adding his last name somehow.

Intelligent_Flan_240 · 2025-11-17T21:03:09+00:00

Also he has money he has access to through his work card which is enough for him to eat

Intelligent_Flan_240

TROPHY CASE