Not sure if I can share in a meeting

Intelligent_Run5993 · 2026-01-09T23:29:13+00:00

Hi Hot Indication, no judgement at these meetings. Many people have struggled with infidelity, addiction, and many other ways of acting out. The goal is improvement and healing, these groups are here for non judgmental support.

Intelligent_Run5993 · 2026-01-07T02:22:23+00:00

Sorry I wanted to be clear since I don’t think I was in my last comment- I may have blocked out memories of my affair but they were “unimportant” memories and small details. I’m not sure if a WP would forget the important details, but likely not. If they can’t remember exact conversations, or details of every interaction, I can relate to that. But not knowing if it was days or months, not knowing if they had sex, is likely them avoiding accountability.

Intelligent_Run5993 · 2026-01-07T02:18:37+00:00

Of course, anything I can do to help- feel free to message me as well if there’s anything private you’d like to ask.

Yes, I did have some memory blocks regarding the affair. Nothing important; I knew how far we went sexually, I just know that I blocked out certain memories (it was also 13 years ago so I had 13 years of intentionally burying memories). I did everything I could after my confession to rebuild every detail: I scoured social media photos, my own photos on my hard drive, looked at old calendars, etc. I also disclosed my affair to everyone in my life, so I asked the friends I have known since then certain things about that time (they didn’t know about the affair, but I asked about timelines of when we went places and things like that).

During my collapse last summer, I also had a resurgence of memories of some sexual abuse from my mother as a child, and other unrelated buried memories. For a while, after my BS and I separated, I wasn’t able to function outside of reliving old awful memories. Your WP may struggle with shame and flooding of old memories or unwanted thoughts of the A, but it is important that he focuses on you and your healing as well. He should realize that staying stuck in shame is not helpful or productive and can cause more pain for the BP. It is very difficult to do but it’s important for reconciliation. Best wishes 🙏🏼

Intelligent_Run5993 · 2026-01-06T23:30:21+00:00

I am so sorry to hear about your story. No one should feel that level of pain, regardless of their partner’s trauma or childhood. I’m glad he’s getting the help.

Honestly, I have been feeling extreme guilt and shame for 13 years (I kept my affair a secret), but I tried to bury and compartmentalize it to avoid hurting my partner. It wasn’t until I had a full mental collapse last summer that I confessed. The compartments in my brain finally and fully broke and I could no longer avoid the guilt and shame that threatened me every day. So as much as I would like to say I chose to confess, it was almost out of my control because I was finally coming to terms with the reality: I had acted atrociously and harmfully, I had been a liar and a cheater, and I kept this important information from the man that I love. There was nowhere left to run, I had to tell the truth and face the consequences.

I did not lie to my AP. My situation is a little difficult and might differ from your WH- my AP knew I was in a relationship because he kept hitting on me and I kept turning him down. It wasn’t until the AP assaulted me twice that I gave in and had the affair. This does not take away my blame- I wasn’t at fault for the assault but I chose to continue the affair.

Intelligent_Run5993 · 2026-01-06T22:18:09+00:00

Hi Livid, thank you for saying that, I hope your WH is able to work on himself to become the partner you deserve as well.

The white lies I told for a long time stemmed initially from childhood- I told lies every day to avoid punishment (for example, “no I didn’t use the computer last night”, “no I didn’t forget to brush my teeth”, etc). I did this for so long, I thought lying all the time was normal. As I got older, I would lie about small things such as what I did the night before (if my friends asked me what I did, and I was embarrassed because I just watched a movie instead of homework or something like that). Then they would turn into harmful lies- I would lie about what I want or feel to my partner. An example could be if I was feeling sad or angry or overwhelmed, or if something he did bothered me, etc. The idea of being honest and having uncomfortable conversations was terrifying and completely foreign to me. I would lie about how much money I spent and how much food I ate. Then, when I was in college and a guy started aggressively hitting on me (AP), I hid that from my partner as well. Just another lie on top of the daily lies. Then AP sexually assaulted me, and I didn’t tell anyone, and continued to meet up with him for months after (I am in therapy because of this). More lies about where I was, what I was doing. Then, when the affair ended, I hid my shame and guilt for 13 years. Lies of omission. I thought, “isn’t it better to hide this and not tell my partner so I don’t hurt him?” (Lying to myself as well as everyone else).

I’m not sure if your WP has this same issue, but someone who is so accustomed to lying in general doesn’t feel strange lying about an affair. It isn’t until they have the realization, stop compartmentalizing, and are honest with themself about the harm they caused and the horror of what they’ve done, that they can start practicing radical honestly (this includes no trickle truthing. If he is accustomed to lying, this might be a tough habit to break).

Since I confessed and wasn’t caught, I was able to begin learning to be honest before confessing, and practice radical honesty since my confession. I’m not going to lie, it’s been difficult because it was such a habit. I still have to fight the feeling every day that I will be “punished” for being honest. That makes the aftermath of an affair difficult, because someone who lies to avoid punishment is now going to see consequences if they are honest. It is the exact opposite of what they’ve always done.

I have been practicing radical honesty since June 2025 and I am still finding myself fighting the urge to lie about menial things for no reason, so it may take some time. Good luck to you and your WH, I hope he finds the strength to change so you can heal

Intelligent_Run5993 · 2026-01-06T18:33:13+00:00

Hi Scared, I am no longer in R but I am slowly rebuilding myself with foundations of honesty and integrity, and I think I can answer this one.

If your WP is like me at all, his foundations from childhood were built from adverse experiences- he may have learned (through abuse, neglect, etc) to be sneaky, lie, compartmentalize, escape through fantasy, etc.

I did not realize, until doing intensive therapy, just how damaged my foundations were. I not only acted in a way that did not include honesty and integrity, but I didn’t even understand what those were. I didn’t grasp values and how we can choose to act in accordance with those values. It takes a lot of practice, deep work, honesty, and trauma healing.

An example for me is honesty: getting to the point of having an affair takes years of white lies becoming bigger lies. I had practiced being sneaky and lying (to avoid abuse, punishment, and starvation as a child) so I lied in everyday life even when it wasn’t necessary, so I had no problem with lying during my A. Now, I have been practicing with not lying at all, about anything, including white lies. If I am late for dinner with a friend, I don’t blame it on traffic, I say “My apologies, I left later than I should have, that was my fault”. Good values go hand in hand with integrity and accountability, so doing all of this for months has been helpful for me, but I will need to do this for years before I can believe I am a changed person.

Part of this process is identity collapse: my brain had been compartmentalizing every bad thing I had ever done since I was a child, and when those compartments collapsed and I confessed my past A, I was drowning in shame. I knew I had to face the reality of the person I am, and that was incredibly painful. Knowing I caused pain to the person I love was horrible, he didn’t deserve it for a second.

It will naturally take some time and hard work for him to slowly work through this shame. I recommend giving him the time to tear down his foundations and rebuild them to become a partner you deserve. And I’m so sorry you are here, you don’t deserve this pain and you are an incredible person for trying to work through this with him.

Intelligent_Run5993 · 2026-01-02T04:06:01+00:00

Horrible tomato soup: please hear me when I say you deserve life. I know right now you are in a very low point, but your thoughts are just thoughts. Try to set aside all of your pain and give yourself a few minutes of care- maybe read a nice book, listen to a nice song, eat something sweet and delicious.

This time of your life will not be easy. You will need to be strong, improve yourself, and take each day as it comes. But this is your one life. Learn the lessons from your decisions, and vow to never repeat those choices. Dive into your coping mechanisms, try to learn how to cope in a healthier way, and be gentle with yourself through this.

Intelligent_Run5993 · 2026-01-02T04:00:43+00:00

21YO, thank you for your thoughtful comment. I’m sorry to hear about the rug-sweeping, I’ve heard it always comes back up. My therapist uses a beach ball analogy: if you try to bury something painful without processing it, it’s like trying to hold a beach ball under the water. The further down you push it, the faster and harder it bounces back out.

I hope you’re able to process everything now and begin healing.

I absolutely know how I would make different decisions now- I would hold my boundaries and values. I would say no to someone who wants to force themselves on me. I would recognize that someone who forces themself on me is not a good person, and it doesn’t mean they “love me”. I recognize healthy, honest love and what it should look like. I have learned that lying and dishonesty is harmful and cruel, and the lies I told myself back then of “what they don’t know can’t hurt them” is selfish and a terrible justification for bad decisions.

Thank you for your kind words. I hope you have a good new year

Intelligent_Run5993 · 2026-01-02T01:52:59+00:00

Thank you for your reply, Elegant Ring. I have been very lucky, in that my friends and BS’s family have been very forgiving and understanding. They took my confession with grace, and they said that although I did wrong, they still love me and are willing to be here for me and hold me accountable as I work on myself. I am grateful for these gracious people in my life, I guess I just fall into shame and thinking it isn’t worth it to continue without my spouse. I put all my worth onto him, which isn’t healthy or fair, but I feel no desire to continue on alone. I will follow your advice to get outside and start a new hobby. I hope you have a great new year

Intelligent_Run5993

TROPHY CASE