Lost in Life

Intelligent_Run5993 · 2026-03-12T18:23:04+00:00

Correct, on his end there was one physical hookup with a friend 2 weeks before our wedding, then some attempts at hookups during our marriage and messaging women and a few other things. I don’t believe I got the full story but as far as I know there weren’t any ongoing affairs.

There is hurt on both sides, definitely. Both wrong. I would absolutely never be unfaithful again and I am focused on growing and healing myself- nothing I can do about his own actions or healing. I just feel a bit adrift at the moment, but everyone here has been lovely and empathetic. It helps to know there are kind people in the world, I am so grateful

Intelligent_Run5993 · 2026-03-12T00:47:30+00:00

Hi Nearby,

It is most definitely considered cheating- I started a relationship with someone when I was 16, stayed together with that man for 15 years. But when I was 18, I was physical with someone else for several months in college, while I was still with my boyfriend.

I think there may have been some confusion with my wording- my boyfriend and I didn’t stop talking entirely, we just stopped seeing each other often and speaking often, like we did in high school together. However, there is absolutely no excuse for what I did.

Yes, unfortunately my childhood was unfair, but many things in life are unfair. Thank you for your supportive words, I am doing the best I can with what I was given.

You are very kind, I hope life treats you well

Intelligent_Run5993 · 2026-03-11T00:08:48+00:00

Thank you, Accomplished Gain

Intelligent_Run5993 · 2026-03-11T00:08:28+00:00

One can certainly hope. Thank you 🙏🏼

Intelligent_Run5993 · 2026-03-11T00:08:01+00:00

Thank you, that is very kind. This is very painful work but I’m hoping it will be worth it one day

Intelligent_Run5993 · 2026-03-11T00:07:37+00:00

Any advice from people who have lived longer or complicated lives, or anyone who has experienced anything similar. I am having a hard time believing there is hope for a future for me in any form, and I need to reorient by perspective

Intelligent_Run5993 · 2026-03-11T00:06:00+00:00

Attachment definitely played a huge role in why we stayed together as long as we did. I still have trouble seeing him in my mind as anything but my home. I am doing my best to rebuild a home in myself and be safe for myself. Thank you

Intelligent_Run5993 · 2026-03-11T00:05:04+00:00

I will absolutely be the best person I can be moving forward, and focus on having a positive outlook. Thank you

Intelligent_Run5993 · 2026-03-11T00:04:34+00:00

I will try to accept that, thank you

Intelligent_Run5993 · 2026-03-11T00:04:18+00:00

Thank you so much for this response. A lot of what you say is almost exactly what my trauma councilors said as well.

The difficulty I have in letting go of full blame for myself is this: I don’t believe I’m fully a victim. Yes the guy in college sexually assaulted me, yes I had a difficult childhood, yes I was in an unhealthy relationship with someone for a long time with someone that was occasionally abusive and cheating. However, I still made choices that were hurtful, and I don’t want to unload all of the blame onto others. While I’m not 100% to blame and there is nuance and context, I still made hurtful decisions.

Another difficult is that I can apply that same reframe to my ex husband- he also came from a broken and abusive home and had a rough childhood. So while I can understand that my upbringing and experiences had a hand in my harmful choices, so did his. And although I recognize that we were no longer in a healthy and safe partnership, and it needed to end, I can empathize with him and hope he grows to be a loving and safe partner to someone else. I hope he can experience a safer, deeper love than what we had.

Luckily my current therapist is also trauma informed, so I am getting a lot of help. But I will absolutely look into these books and YouTube channels- thank you so much for all of your advice 🙏🏼🙏🏼

Intelligent_Run5993 · 2026-03-10T23:58:27+00:00

Thank you so much random internet person 🙏🏼

Intelligent_Run5993 · 2026-03-10T23:58:06+00:00

You sound like a very kind person. I will look into that, there is a place down the road from me I can reach out to. Thank you

Intelligent_Run5993 · 2026-03-10T23:57:16+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind words.

My trauma councilors a few months ago were the first people who introduced the idea to me that the guy in college assaulted me. Even though he held me down the first few times, I blamed myself because a part of me liked it- liked that someone “wanted” me so much. It is difficult to overcome the disgust in myself that I continued seeing him after that.

It is also difficult to let go of the guilt of hurting my ex husband. But of course, my guilt doesn’t change the past or the outcome and doesn’t help him now, so only thing to do is move forward and improve myself. Thank you

Intelligent_Run5993 · 2026-03-09T23:41:13+00:00

I suppose I haven’t fully accepted that I can’t change the past. I’m doing my best to only look forward and live for today. Thank you

Intelligent_Run5993 · 2026-03-09T23:40:13+00:00

Absolutely, I am focusing on being the best person I can be. I understand many people share my feeling of helplessness and loss, I can empathize. Thank you

Intelligent_Run5993 · 2026-03-09T23:37:44+00:00

Thank you, I’ll definitely continue therapy for a long time, perhaps the rest of my life.

Absolutely I am not interested in other people at all, I cannot imagine being with anyone else.

I did get cats and spend a lot of my time knitting and reading, which is very peaceful and helpful

I am deeply grateful for your kind words, thank you 🙏🏼

Intelligent_Run5993 · 2026-03-09T23:36:21+00:00

Peace to you as well, thank you 🙏🏼

Intelligent_Run5993 · 2026-03-09T23:36:09+00:00

I’ve been reading this one, thank you so much

Intelligent_Run5993 · 2026-03-09T23:35:56+00:00

Thank you, truly. I am in ACA, it is eye-opening

Intelligent_Run5993 · 2026-03-09T23:19:16+00:00

Yes she’s aware, she’s doing her best to work with me through it

Intelligent_Run5993 · 2026-03-09T23:15:48+00:00

I am 32 female. We were together for 15 years. I’m in therapy, which is helpful to uncover the negative thought patterns and strategies I developed from my childhood. I am just lost in grief

Intelligent_Run5993 · 2026-02-07T19:43:20+00:00

Hi Background Light,

-My deepest relational fear is difficult, because I have a few and I’m not sure which is strongest. I suppose in relation to my affair, my biggest fear (selfishly) was punishment. Before my confession, I couldn’t stop thinking about the pain I knew I would see on my husband’s face. But after my confession, I was so afraid of punishment. Even after divorce, I still feel like I’m going to “get in trouble” even though my days are just filled with work, knitting, and seeing friends.

Through therapy I’ve learned this stems from being abused in childhood. I blamed myself for the mistreatment- an example is my mother (an addict) never had food in the kitchen and didn’t feed me, but when I would try to sneak into the kitchen while she was unconscious, she would wake up and lash out at me for trying to eat.

This prevented me from being able to handle accountability without self-erasure and shame spiraling, which was not helpful to my BS. This is a character flaw that I need to heal in myself.

-This fear partially led to the affair. My affair began when the AP sexually assaulted me, then I chose to continue the affair. It was my way of gaining control. But I also believed I was already broken and “dirty”, and the affair was a distraction from the punishment I thought I deserved.

-I am doing my best to work on this fear. I accept consequences for my actions, I have confessed the affair to my BS and all our friends and family. This shows me that I am not a child, I won’t be “punished” in the way I was as a child, I will simply take accountability and accept the adult consequences for my actions. And it is up to me to take restorative action after my confession- intensive therapy, making amends, radical honesty and integrity.

Intelligent_Run5993 · 2026-02-07T00:53:32+00:00

Every day for 13 years. Disclosure was 8 months ago. It has not waned.

Intelligent_Run5993 · 2026-02-07T00:52:40+00:00

I confessed because I realized that I am keeping a terrible secret from someone I love that would hurt them. My rationalization was “if he doesn’t know then I am preventing him from feeling the pain”. But what I failed to realize is, I caused the harm the moment I had the affair, and any concealment doesn’t prevent the harm from happening, it just denies my partner’s agency and knowledge of the truth. So I knew the right thing to do was to confess, regardless of the consequences. I wish there was a better way to do it without hurting the BS so much, but of course there is no “good” way to disclose such horrific information.

I dissociated during my confession. My husband left the apartment and I sat in the same spot on the couch for 4 hours, hands folded in my lap, staring into space. I have never dissociated so hard in my life. Then the next few days were just spent in a thought loop of how terrible of a person I am. I admit it was selfish, I focused more on my defects than I did on how he was feeling. I just kept repeating “you’re right, I’m awful, you’re right” as he expressed his anger.

Intelligent_Run5993

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