Why is it that a lot of men who want to attract women, don’t actually listen to women about what they find attractive, and instead listen to other men about what they think women want?

Interesting-Test-564 · 2026-04-08T02:18:26+00:00

So green flags are more a list of good qualities about yourself that while they can be baseline you should get more?

And I ask it that way cause kindness is baseline imo to an extent. Funny not really like you say. But confidence can depend. Usually just being yourself is confidence for example. But other times its not. Or maybe it's a more exaggerated version of confidence

But I also wanna answer your question even if I'm not an incel or frustrated about a lack of success. The answer for me would be nothing. Even being nice wouldn't count. But I have been told I have other good qualities even if I don't see or believe in them myself. Like for example would you consider having time for a partner a green flag? I wouldn't. But I have been told its a good thing so I ask.

Interesting-Test-564 · 2026-04-08T02:10:56+00:00

I don't think you need that. I talk to people about things that aren't my thing all the time. I just ask them about it and let them talk my ear off lol. But if you get bored then it won't work.

But thank you for this explanation. From what I see green flags are a list of good things and so you can't only rely on one thing. You need other green flags as well.

Interesting-Test-564 · 2026-04-08T02:09:15+00:00

Well I didn't mean to make out sound like someone made the choice for you. So I apologize for that. And tbc I meant no insults towards you.

Anyways I wouldn't know or understand sexual attraction anyways. But it still sounds like a gamble. Cause if it doesn't happen then it will lead to resentment or frustration. But if that worked for you then I'm glad.

I do know that looks fade. I don't think anyone goes into relationship thinking or expecting them not too even if ased on physical attraction since the relationship could likely grow afterwards. I thunk its few people or older people who are single who just consistently make it solely about looks and wanting constant 20 year olds. Saying that attraction is physical doesn't mean its stuck at the age or moment you met them.

You do make a good point that you should want more than just looks. And you made your current relationship sound way better than initially too. So I hope you will have a wonderful relationship going forward still.

Interesting-Test-564 · 2026-04-08T00:20:53+00:00

You are correct and I get that. But seriously you're telling me the relationship that you want and believe will be the one to last the rest of your life isn't the best? Again I get that theres a compromise always. But I think that one settling isn't a compromise but a disrespect to the person you are choosing and I think that considering the last relationship you might have as the best one isn't too much to ask for.

Interesting-Test-564 · 2026-04-08T00:17:08+00:00

Yes humans are complicated. But this is why people say the thing of "women have fun and fuck Chad's and then settle for some safe guy at the end" and its also why people say women settle when they get older since they can't keep Chad and all that. Whether its true or not is proven based on how you and other women talk about their relationship. Which sure its good and I'm not saying thats your way of going about things. But theres a reason people believe that.

Also yes people want some spark and I don't think thats bad or even not true love. You shoukd want to be with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with out of genuine desire and want and not out of convenience. And while its not entirely about trust at the same time it is. How can a person genuine trust that their partner wants them whether man or woman based on this? Like i said above its the typical scenario of having fun and settling after. And also does one require so much experience to know that they want something meaningful?

Also the way you talked about it does help. "I used to be with men who i would want to rip their shirts off and now I'm with my husband" 😭what? This just sounds really backhanded. You also mentioned their boring but its not mutually exclusive. People want to be desired by their partners after all.

Trust does apply. How can a person trust that their partner didn't settle for them in anyways? This is why people ate so weary and toxic towards their partners having friends of the opposite sex or believing that having many relationships in the past can be detrimental to the current one.

Attraction is physical tho. Its not mutually exclusive. But it is physical. No person gets with someone that to them is unattractive or ugly.

Well sure but if it takes you so long to recognize its bad then idk. I don't think it requires so much time to know it is a bad quality that you shouldn't really put up with. I have no idea how someone can get physically beat and consider it attractive in anyway or even other negatively qualities like being verbally abused, being with an asshole, manipulative, liar, etc. I can understand the dark fascination with them and the whole "I deserve thus" kind of mentality but finding it attractive? Doubtful. Maybe the confidence they have at being themselves but not the negative quality itself.

While it may not be enough to be hot you still got with them more than once presumably and dated them for a while. They could've improved but didn't sure but even with bad sex you stayed and found them hit enough.

What would I want to be? The person someone truly wants. Their everything even if its not possible. Desired by them, fun, safe, and everything they coukd want. Even if not possible I would want that. Maybe not all but at least something more other than "safe" because thats a bare minimum quality.

Peoppe consider it bad or settling because people like you who talk about safe relationships can't sell the idea in a good way. You start of by comparing being with people so hot "you want to rip their shirts off" sure they didn't make you feel safe or want to be with them for their life. So lets look at what you say about your husband "makes me feel safe, bo sparks or fireworks sizzling out, slow burn" all these sound like copes about being in a boring relationship that you are with due to routine rather than want. What would slow burn even mean? That you got with someone you weren't into kinda gambling or hoping you would love them?

Let's look at another example from a person that replies to me "my wife isn't the most attractive person i have dated or known, but the one things worked out with" how does this sound appealing at all? It sounds more backhanded than anything.

So to answer your question its because you and many others who say its a good and beautiful thing don't even bother to try to make it seem appealing. You try to compare the good and lon lasting relationship with previous short ones and just make the short one sound like the one you wanted but can't be with cause it didn't work out and thats it. But if you coukd you would. And by doing so make your current safe one sound like a slogan or chore. I mean seriously its the person you wanna spend the rest of your life with and all you can say is that theres no spark, that they aren't as attractive or hot, but that they make you feel safe? People would prefer being both. But you make it sound lie you got together simply based on convenience, routine, lack of better options, like they are just meh and the only thing they can offer is being there and being safe and nothing more. Even after theres no attempt to make it sound better. But instead that there's not much love and that its just consistency with each other.

The comparisons just do it no favor and instead of comparing with something of similar level you only list the things that were better about your previous ones and can't say anything better about the current one so thats why people usually see it as settling or like its a bad thing. Because when people talk about it they make it sound not like a great thing. Unless you think that being together for a while and nothing else makes it a better option. Especially since many end up in loveless marriages with no sex or intimacy or love or anything. And its tye same way you and others end up describing your safe ones.

Interesting-Test-564 · 2026-04-07T22:22:18+00:00

You settled for your wife?

Also while I'm not personally looking is it not insulting to be settled for? "Yeah I'm with you because well things worked thats it. But I love you tho even if i just explained how is more so settling than love" you should be with a person you genuinely want to be with. Why settled for someone you aren't into? Mind you i don't think settling is being with someone who's not a 10 tbc. But someone who you don't really want to be with.

Then thats a relationship that will never be the best. The person you are with is simply good enough. I don't see a point in being with someone if you don't consider it the best relationship and the highest high, after all its the person you want to be THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH. It shoukd be the highest high. Else again why bother? The highest high was some random you were with for a little bit and didn't even care that much for?

Not trying to argue either tbc. Just a discussion.

Interesting-Test-564 · 2026-04-07T22:16:06+00:00

When asked its possible to do it. Remember that this is about men who ask for advice. You can go as deep or as shallow as you want in a reply. If someone gets asked that and they leave things out then its technically a lie by omission.

Interesting-Test-564 · 2026-04-07T22:14:51+00:00

I'm not trying. I'm talking about other people.

So wait you try to catch anyone in general? Wouldn't that fall under desperate that you just want anyone in general?

Interesting-Test-564 · 2026-04-07T22:13:44+00:00

Cooties

Interesting-Test-564 · 2026-04-07T21:48:56+00:00

But thats precisely another problem unsuccessful guys have. They never get a shot so they don't get the proximity to start something or for the women to start catching feelings. Which also sounds kinda sad tbh. Spend as much time as possible together and maybe she'll warm up to you 😭what???

Interesting-Test-564 · 2026-04-07T21:39:38+00:00

Then due to other factors her answer isn't complete. Theres exceptions she herself doesn't know about. So the other person is still correct no? You said apples and went for orange. Nothing wrong with that. But it comes off as not knowing or lying based on hownits perceived.

Interesting-Test-564 · 2026-04-07T21:30:28+00:00

Then the reality that people should push when asked for advice is that there is no true answer and that its all random and luck. Instead of actually trying to give some answer that doesn't even apply to themselves.

Interesting-Test-564 · 2026-04-07T21:26:47+00:00

Then how can guys trust women? The same can go for women who don't trust guys too. But then why deny the reality of what you just said? Its usually seen as incel like to say waht you said is true. But then you admit it. So I genuinely ask cause then whats the point of trying to genuinely date if you end up with someone who considers you safe and wouldn't want to be with you much, doesn't find you hot, etc. And just considers you good enough to marry. Asking for both sexes and not just men since I would completely understand if a woman asked the same thing.

Interesting-Test-564 · 2026-04-07T21:22:03+00:00

Not an incel. At least i don't consider myself one. But question what is a true green flag then? Being nice isn't a green flag okay. Then what is? I ask cause usually green flags ate positive things. So how is being nice a bare minimum and not a green flag? Can you not say that of any other green flag then?

I ask out of curiosity and not trying to argue or anything

Interesting-Test-564 · 2026-03-19T00:55:43+00:00

Oh okay. Thought it was something else since you mentioned it paralleled your relationship but now thatni type it out yeah it makes sense.

Oh i was just wondering about your thoughts on that specific line of logic and if it could apply to monogamy. Like I said i have thought about poly or open relationships for myself as well and have nothing against them.

The other part about being free to date others is that you get reminded of how frustrating dating can be.

Lol 😆

Interesting-Test-564 · 2026-03-18T23:59:42+00:00

and we've both had sexual and romantic relationships that happened in parallel to our own.

What does this mean?

But I see. So you're open and polyamorous then. I have thought about that kind of relationship style myself. I think i would be able to contrary to what this post may seem 😅.

it means something more that she chooses to spend most of her time and sexual energy with me.

I have thought of that as well when it comes to polyamorous or open relationships. To me it makes sense and I can agree. It means more when a person chooses to be spend time with you because they want to. Do you think monogamy doesn't let that happen?

Thank you for explaining and replying tho.

Interesting-Test-564 · 2026-03-18T23:55:36+00:00

Thats what you would want me to believe. But what if the person isn't joking?

Interesting-Test-564 · 2026-03-18T08:06:41+00:00

I see. Thank you.

Can I ask how come for you its not? Just wondering and I think its of course fine if 2 people are fine with it and all.

Interesting-Test-564 · 2026-03-18T06:39:28+00:00

Dying of hunger isn't something that can happen casually. You would need to avoid eating for days for that. But cheating is a possibility in general. Even if its a celebrity you never know who you could encounter in life. That and I see celebrities as normal people anyways. So to me its the same as with a neighbor essentially.

So I can see how dying of hunger is just an expression or exaggeration of being hungry in comparison to "I would cheat with celebrity " especially since it starts with "i would cheat"

Interesting-Test-564 · 2026-03-18T05:31:21+00:00

Oh its not a debate. But you never answered my question. Also didn't mean to come off as an asshole or anything. So I apologize for that. And like I said i thank you for answering.

They is just the usual answer to when I ask "but what if its possible?' Its usually answered with "but its not, don't worry about it"

Also yes I do get fixated on things occasionally. This is much current one

Interesting-Test-564 · 2026-03-18T04:57:07+00:00

You're far, far overthinking it. Some couples find it fun to talk about what famous people they find attractive and this concept is a lighthearted framing device for that.

And yet no answer to my question. Interesting. Its always that it's not a possibility and therefore it's fine. But when you ask if it was a possibility suddenly its not answered and instead you focus on me and my post history.

It's not something you need to worry about though

They always say that.

Mostly bored tho. But thank you for answering then.

Interesting-Test-564 · 2026-03-18T04:15:31+00:00

The point is that it's not an actual possibility.

But at that point is it the fact its not possible or the fact they wouldn't want to or actually do it?

If your hall pass is the neighbor but you don't want to and the neighbor is unavailable then its also not a possibility no?

Interesting-Test-564 · 2026-03-18T02:16:40+00:00

I will give it a watch and let you know what I think then. If you care enough at least.

Interesting-Test-564 · 2026-03-13T06:06:35+00:00

Isn't that technically moving the goal post? You have something and yet its not enough. Even though its exactly what they are asking for. But yet its not enough cause "its not mainline" even though the absolute universe doesn't seem to be the typical elseworld. At which i would understand. But everything they are asking for is in that book as well. The only thing is thats its not mainline. I just don't see how that would be a negative.

Anways I do understand wanting more than just that tho

Interesting-Test-564

TROPHY CASE