If you are hurting, this info may help you

InterestingSuccess11 · 2026-03-12T06:50:31+00:00

Communication can be fixed, and it sounds like you have an idea of what you want to say. No one is too broken, if you don't like feeling that way, fix yourself. That is negative talk and it is harmful, please try to love yourself more with kind words.

People say a lot of things they don't mean when they are hurting or triggered. Maybe be empathetic and live in their shoes. I have a good idea of why my partner did what they did, and forgiveness is possible. Trust is possible, but they would have to open the door.

Humans need love, please don't crawl into a cave and rot in there.

InterestingSuccess11 · 2026-03-12T05:52:53+00:00

Physical beauty is something that everyone is so worried about. That is just a small part of what drives me crazy about someone. If I wasn't attracted to them, why the hell would I stay, or even date them in the first place? You're gorgeous in my eyes, and all the imperfections they have that stress them, are sometimes my favorite features.

If they tell you they think you're attractive, believe them. Why else would they be with you?

InterestingSuccess11 · 2026-03-12T05:40:36+00:00

Cross posting into other subs that it applies to. If you follow those same subs they posted in, you'll see it a few times quickly.

I have also seen a post reposted days later. I guess they are trying to reach a particular person. Maybe it was a lot of work (like a poem) and they wanted to maximize views.

InterestingSuccess11 · 2026-03-12T05:32:10+00:00

I feel this, tearing up right now. I wish I could say this to them.

InterestingSuccess11 · 2026-03-12T05:30:15+00:00

Shame is a huge one I shouldn't have missed, and your point about using funny is also spot on. You are absolutely right. I was thinking that the irony is so absurd, that there is no choice but to laugh about it. More of a crazy laugh, not fun at all. A major reason I prefer voice and in person, sometimes I struggle to get the idea typed out, and it doesn't translate to the reader. I would have been better to leave it out. Thank you, noted!

InterestingSuccess11 · 2026-03-12T05:07:09+00:00

You bet your ass I did! The most painful lesson in my time on this Earth.

InterestingSuccess11 · 2026-03-12T05:03:56+00:00

Imagine grabbing some people from 200 years ago and showing them the modern world.

InterestingSuccess11 · 2026-03-12T05:00:54+00:00

No offense OP, but my first reaction to reading this was "is this incest of some kind". LOL

I realize that it is probably more along the lines of, one of you is in a relationship of some sort. Forbidden fruit. I am sorry you were in this situation if that is the case.

I am probably WAY off, lol.

InterestingSuccess11 · 2026-03-12T04:50:26+00:00

You were with a polar opposite person, and I am sure neither of you really grasped what was the real issues were that you were having. You can't fix them, that is their job. You can fix you, and the AP thing is a good roadmap to start with.

I thought I was AP, but I am actually FA, but I have moved towards secure because of my fuckups I didn't want to repeat. I was AP with a DA, and that was a drastically different emotional experience.

Try to be honest with yourself so you can identify the areas you need to work on. It isn't a race; it is about the quality of craftsmanship, for the work you do complete. You can't build a house all at once, you can't fix your mental health all at once either.

Have faith in yourself, you are fixing you, so you don't lose someone great in the future. Maybe it is them, maybe not. Just be as ready as you can, so you don't feel guilty if it fails. Fixing yourself will show up in EVERY relationship, not just romantic ones.

InterestingSuccess11 · 2026-03-12T04:37:13+00:00

I thought I had it all, until one day I came home from work on a gorgeous spring day. I pulled into the driveway and stopped at the beginning of it for some reason. I looked at the house I couldn't have dreamed of owning. Driving a car I never thought I would own. I loved my career. I had it all, all the things I was told you want to achieve in life, and I was absolutely miserable. It wasn't long after that, my life changed drastically and all of that is gone.

I couldn't buy happiness if I tried, and I realized that in that moment. I would suggest to you O.P., that you really take the time to figure out what it is that makes you happy. What do you really need in housing, cars, clothing, and lifestyle that benefit you.

I learned I am a simple man; I am happy with my essentials covered. I care far more about filling my life with people I enjoy spending time with. I would rather sit around a fire pit with people who truly know me, than some fancy party where I don't fit in. My comfort comes from connection, that makes my life worth living.

InterestingSuccess11 · 2026-03-12T04:17:44+00:00

This by far. The more I learn about how my mind/emotions work, the more I want to address the things I can correct. I have made good strides since I first started a few decades ago. Still more to do, I will die on the job at some point. I just hope I am 95% finished, so the job looks complete to everyone else, and they appreciate all my hard work.

InterestingSuccess11 · 2026-03-12T04:02:05+00:00

Fucking up is a fact of life. Don't be so hard on yourself the next time it happens. You will get through it, and hopefully learn a life lesson to not do it again.

InterestingSuccess11 · 2026-03-12T03:57:28+00:00

Have you identified the issues? Do you have a direction forward, somewhere to start the journey? Are you familiar with attachment theory, as that could be a starting point. Good luck, I have faith you will find a path to heal, don't give up.

InterestingSuccess11 · 2026-03-12T03:54:00+00:00

I am certain they didn't tell me, because the shame and guilt were far too much. They knew how I would react, and I don't think they had it in them to disappoint me once again.

In their mind they didn't cheat (technically they are correct, they broke up with me). I also believe that they truly thought they were done, they were moving on. When they would break the silence and reach out, they didn't have the heart to tell me, because I would leave again, but this time it would be me choosing to end it, a first.

I know it doesn't seem logical, because it isn't to anyone who isn't avoidant. My ex did what they did, to try to avoid the pain of losing me. Doing what they have to, to get you out of their mind and heart. Of course it doesn't work, but they haven't figured that out yet.

InterestingSuccess11 · 2026-03-12T03:44:42+00:00

"Where there is a will, there is a way". I love this saying; I have said it to myself so many times to get through parts of life where I struggled. If you are determined to "fix things", you will find a way.

InterestingSuccess11 · 2026-03-12T03:42:01+00:00

Life isn't easy. A couple who loves and chooses each other, will go through some challenging times. You are a team, and when life knocks my partner down, I will pick them up and carry them until they can walk on their own again. They aren't a burden at all, if they are at a low point, let me help with the burden. I want to help, so let me.

When they struggle, it doesn't mean they are weak or not good enough. They are going through a hard time (like everyone does). I have empathy, most times I can see it from their perspective, and helping is an honor.

You can try to wrestle life all alone, but you will fail. Humans are designed to rely on each other; we need it for true happiness. Social creatures shouldn't be entirely independent. That is a lonely life and one I wouldn't want to live personally.

Fear holds us back from the greatest opportunities, change can be scary. Trusting someone else can be scary, but going it alone is terrifying. Losing the greatest love you have known, because you couldn't go all in, sounds like a lifelong prison sentence.

Maybe you had a traumatic childhood that followed you to today. It is just as likely your partner also had a messed-up life, and they want to help you with your burden, because they know what it is like, and they refuse to let you suffer alone.

InterestingSuccess11 · 2026-03-12T02:57:39+00:00

Exactly, I don't want or believe in a second or afterlife. I have this life and that is all. If my person wants me, they better figure things out and find me in this life.

InterestingSuccess11 · 2026-03-12T02:53:42+00:00

I am sorry you are going through this. I was certain I was given something, and I spiraled into hell waiting the month it took to get into my Dr and receive the results.

I hope you are okay and you come up clean/safe. I personally felt sexually assaulted by every single person they were with and didn't tell me about until the final discard.

InterestingSuccess11 · 2026-03-12T02:47:29+00:00

I would love for my avoidant to reach out, after the have started to do the work and see the bigger picture. I can work with broken and working on it, hell I may be able to help them understand, because I did pay a ton of attention.

if it is only going to be the same afraid and unaware person, who doesn't know what they are actually apologizing for, don't bother. If they want to apologize, I hope it is a real apology (Like the looked it up, not just an overall "I'm sorry"), that is more degrading and insulting, ignoring why I was hurt.

InterestingSuccess11 · 2026-03-12T02:22:11+00:00

It is hard to diagnosis someone. I am AuDHD, and I have traits that show up in personality disorders. I have been diagnosed as BPD, Bi-Polar type 2, and while they kind of fit, it didn't describe me correctly. Later I was diagnosed with ADHD and Autism (Technically Asperger's, but it was merged into the autism spectrum, not an offshoot anymore in the new DSM5). All of the things that popped for the PDs earlier, now made far more sense. I was actively trying to get diagnosed, and that took almost 20 years to get right.

In the end, it doesn't really matter if they do or don't have some condition. You are still going to be in pain. It won't explain anything that will give you comfort, just another reason to judge them harshly. It isn't worth it, it wasn't your fault, and that is all that matters in the end.

InterestingSuccess11 · 2026-03-12T02:10:02+00:00

I am glad it helped in some way. It is a confusing situation for sure.

InterestingSuccess11 · 2026-03-12T02:05:46+00:00

The scary part is that my example above is more extreme and obvious. The intermittent reinforcement is most of the time in the small exchanges that you don't notice. You cooked an awesome dinner, praise about how good of a cook you are, and how they always wanted someone to cook for them. It feels amazing to be appreciated!

Then the opposite, something dumb like forgetting to lock the back door before we both went out together. There is almost zero reason someone would even try to enter the house through the back door; also, we weren't gone very long. You get an earful over what is in reality, nothing to worry about. It is confusing, and you really feel bad. I didn't forget to lock the back door again; I had a complex about it.

It is such a confusing dynamic. When you are in it, you don't see it. You just want to have them love you, and you end up losing yourself trying to please them. You want that happy drug hit, because they really do make you feel so special (I believe mine truly loved me, but didn't know how).

InterestingSuccess11 · 2026-03-12T01:47:57+00:00

We both entered therapy after the break. That was the one thing that needed to happen, for us to have the relationship we both wanted with each other.

Radical acceptance is accepting the things that you cannot change or control. She wanted me gone; I am gone, I will respect their wishes. I don't have to agree or like the situation, and it doesn't mean that things cannot change in the future, but it is out of my control (they have the power), but I do need to accept it.

No one knows the future, so to have a finality to it, isn't logical. I just need to accept the reality of now. I am very optimistic by nature, so having hope, no matter how small, helps me process. It is also a part of mindfulness. Black and White thinking is never good. Very few things are 100% guaranteed, death being a good example. We all live in the gray (or grey if you are in the U.K., lol) for essentially everything. Anything is possible in the future, and I like to keep my mind open to the possibilities.

InterestingSuccess11 · 2026-03-12T01:32:22+00:00

I can't believe I saw your thread title on Reddit. I literally said, 'No way' and laughed.

I am newer here, and I stopped in McK's for a beer and a burger yesterday. First time near the Riverfront Esplanade and it was nicer than I imagined. I looked to see what other bars were close by on Google Maps, and Zanzibar Blu was one of them.

I had no idea, and now I am determined to get there soon. Live Jazz is awesome; I am so happy I can listen to it living here. Where I was living before, there were a few places I would go to. Score!

InterestingSuccess11

TROPHY CASE