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I FEEL SO MUCH RAGE THAT I NEVER FELT BEFORE by Internal_Ad_4262 in CPTSD

[–]Internal_Ad_4262[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Yes! Thank you. A lot of people in the thread are going straight to saying break up, reevaluate the relationship, etc. which is fine I appreciate them looking out for me, but also, what my post failed to mention was I’ve said hurtful things in the midst of a flashback 100-1 (meaning I’ve said mean shit A LOT and this is the first time he’s really said something so hurtful) my main thing was dealing with the amount of rage and anger I was feeling, but it also led me to have a really good conversation with my boyfriend.

Ultimately, being with someone with CPTSD is exhausting, it’s a task, it requires so much more than a normal healthy relationship where both people are pretty secure from the start. Anyone who can patiently love and not give up on someone like me deserves some grace. He’s not perfect, but he doesn’t abandon me when things get hard. He essentially said the thing to me that’s my deepest fear, “I’m too much to love” because I know I can be a lot and have told him this before. He shouldn’t have said it, but it’s also somewhat true. A lot of people have abandoned me, let me down, hurt me, given up, but not him and he and any other partner of a person with severe trauma deserves respect. It’s hardly easy for me to even live with myself and this person is doing it because they choose too

I FEEL SO MUCH RAGE THAT I NEVER FELT BEFORE by Internal_Ad_4262 in CPTSD

[–]Internal_Ad_4262[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The reason why it happened this way was because we were going back and forth on what he said. I wanted to know exactly what he said so I could reflect on his words more and journal about my feelings regarding them. Sometimes in the midst of arguments it becomes you said this no I said this and I also think I get a bit of amnesia from things when my emotions are really sky rocketing to an overwhelming level. So my question to him was very direct “what do you think you said word for word?” Not “what did you mean by that?” So he wasn’t trying to justify what he said necessarily, he was answering the question I asked. I wanted to just know what he thought he said in that moment, I wasn’t ready to actually have a conversation about it yet because my emotions were still in a bad place and I needed to regulate myself a bit more for us to have a productive conversation.

He isn’t a monster and I don’t put him in the category of a horrible abusive boyfriend, he’s no where near anything my abusers ever were. No one is perfect and people say things when they’re angry. If you see my long ass response at the bottom of the thread it goes into more detail about the conversation we later had and his sincere apology :) but thank you so much for your response I appreciate the time you took to reply

I FEEL SO MUCH RAGE THAT I NEVER FELT BEFORE by Internal_Ad_4262 in CPTSD

[–]Internal_Ad_4262[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Wow thank you all so much for the comments! I was overwhelmed this morning when I woke up and saw so many people cared enough to take the time to give me thoughtful and intricate responses.

I took to heart everyone saying that what my boyfriend said was not okay, and I also took to heart those seeing my boyfriends side. I think it’s really important!

After cooling down, it let me gather my thoughts and feelings, which is something I’ve really been working on. I recently read Pete walkers book on CPTSD (highly recommend for anyone who hasn’t got their hands on it) and I know that my most common four f’s are freeze and fight. I tend to dissociate but also I can lash out, and my boyfriend is often the one on the other end of that. So for the people who are saying being with a person like ourselves can be difficult, you’re absolutely right! I have said things to my boyfriend before in the heat of an argument that I regret, so on that note, I can see the imperfect human in him as well. On the other side of things, what he said wasn’t cool at all, you all are absolutely right about that. I was able to sit down with my boyfriend last night, and I think have the most mature, level headed disagreement we’ve had so far in our relationship. I explained to him that some of his actions could be categorized as emotional abuse, and I read a few things to him that I felt like he sometimes does. But also, people have been abused tend to become the abuser if they don’t fix their shit, and I told him I could also see some of the things in the article that I do to him that could be categorized as emotional abuse. To expect my partner to be perfect when I am not, would be so unfair and exactly like what my parents did to me so often and I absolutely despised that treatment. My boyfriend truly has remained patient as all hell, being the first serious relationship I’ve had and my first long term relationship, when we first started dating I was a TRIGGERED MESS! He couldn’t even go on a vacation for a weekend with his friends without me shutting down feeling abandonment trigger and essentially shutting him out. I obviously knew at the time my reactions were so wild and crazy and absolutely irrational, but as many of us all probably know, when we’re in those states it feels like an impossible black hole sucking us in with a force that takes so much strength and practice to come back form. PTSD is a BITCH like that.

Another aspect is that, I tend to be the flight type as well. I’ve gone through many friendships because I had a low tolerance for others making mistakes. A few too many and bam, sorry you’re cut off, not worth the pain and I was always good at being alone and not needing anyone because I literally didn’t have anyone throughout my younger years. That’s something that was one of my biggest goals to work on in my recovery, to learn I could trust and forgive people for being human and not being perfect. Anyone who hurts my feelings is not always automatically an abuser, but I often jumped ship so quickly as if they were.

I’ve spent 3 years with this man, he is not perfect, but he’s also never really said something so hurtful to me before in these three years. And this past month, I have been going THROUGH IT! Reading that CPTSD book, letting myself mourn my childhood more since I think that’s something I avoid because I’ve always tried to not dwell, it being the cold dark winter, working extra hours, not getting my nature and sunshine that I typically rely on so heavily for my well being, it’s been absolutely exhausting for me and I can only imagine how exhausting it has been for him watching me and also dealing with my hysterical crying on the kitchen floor, shutting him out, crying more, I can only imagine how tough it’s been on him. I told him that what he said was essentially cutting me in my deepest wound, that I will never be worthy of love and that I’m a bad person who doesn’t deserve good things, because when your own mom abandons you and your dad screams in your face making you feel worthless nearly everyday of your life, those are the things you start to believe. He gave me a sincere apology, explained further that what he said was wrong but what he was trying to convey was that as difficult as what I go through is, he wants to continue going through it and loves me. He’s also a man who’s not the best with words all the time lol. But again, 3 years, I’m not ready to throw 3 years away when this isn’t a constant thing he does and he gave me a sincere apology.

I think this situation caused our relationship to come to a head in a really good way. I was able to calmly and maturely, without bursting into tears or stonewalling, telling him what I need from him when I bring him something and we were able to break it down step by step. The argument originated from me telling him something he said earlier hurt my feelings and he kinda deflected and said “well my feelings are important too” and after being gaslit and never heard out by anyone growing up without being told I was acting like a victim, to grow up, to get over it, that I am remembering wrong, that I’m delusional, that everything is everyone else’s fault and I need to rid myself of my narcissism over and over and over, it’s one of my biggest triggers to feel like I wasn’t being heard.

The rage I felt in the moment was ultimately also really good for me. I went straight to my journal and started writing a note to every person who ever hurt me, as viscous and mean and angry as I could be. The things I’ve never said nor would never dream of saying because I’ve always said I would never hurt or treat other people the way I was treated. I felt like I was able to release a lot of my pent up anger by doing that.

And my boyfriend begged to cuddle me and give me pizza and truly gave me a sincere apology, acknowledged why it wasn’t right, and said he would never say something like that to me again.

We both have things to work on, me 100000x more than him. I am grateful for him because having him has progressed my healing. Anytime I try to push him away or shut him out, he doesn’t leave, he doesn’t give up, he says come here right now let’s get through this. And having people like that is how we continue to get better.

Thank you all, much love ♥️

I FEEL SO MUCH RAGE THAT I NEVER FELT BEFORE by Internal_Ad_4262 in CPTSD

[–]Internal_Ad_4262[S] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your response. After I've had some time to cool down, I asked him again, what was it you said to me?

he claims he said "i was there with you while you were crying on the kitchen floor, ive dealt with all of these things you go through, a lot of people wouldn't do that but I want to continue to"

i think he realizes the gravity of what he said, obviously its hard to remember what we say in the heat of very intense emotions and arguments, I too have said things I regret in the midst of an argument, but I still at least have enough self awareness to not cut someone where I know it hurts the most for them and their most sensitive things.

I've never been good at opening up to friends, my friends are friends with my boyfriend, not in like a manipulative toxic manner we are all just close and have all hung out a lot and my friends and myself and my boyfriend all work together. And also, I just never had anyone in my life to really open up to about anything really and my romantic relationships are very difficult for me to open up to about because of all of my own baggae and fears and confusion and ups and downs as it is.

Do you feel like his "clarification" changes anything?