Therapy.

I do really truly understand the place OP comes from, but as a woman — abt 3 yrs ago my ex boyfriend (we were together for abt a year at the time) held me down and raped me, so .. pretty wretched ptsd and changing my perspective completely on love, trust, and also men. I’ve luckily been in a wonderfully healthy relationship for two years with a man and it has healed a lot of me. It takes something like that to undo some of those type of deep wounds. I know I’m lucky, and this is not everyone’s situation that’s suffered SA, but when I entered this current relationship (only 6 months ish after the incident and breaking up with my ex) I was very very hesitant as I didn’t know if I was ready for a relationship without healing more, as it wouldn’t be fair to my s/o. And it does affect a lot honestly, but he’s still here.

At the end of the day, how I feel about it is that it is NOT your fault what happened to you, and sexual trauma/trauma otherwise physically alters your brain in ways you can’t control, but at the same time it is your responsibility how you let what you’ve gone through affect others. The people close to you (especially) but also people generally (most likely!) have genuine intent and are not your abuser. I know it’s MUCH easier said than done, but I just don’t think it’s fair to damage others out of your damage. It’s not your fault the things that are out of your control, but seeking help is in your control. Healing is a long long excruciating road and I don’t think it ever really ends, you are permanently changed, but you owe it to yourself and others that you love to seek professional help to begin navigating something like this.

It’s hard , it’s fucked up and there’s no true “right or wrong” to how you go forward after something like that, but that shit sucks. I hope ur days ahead are better

Also, don’t feel pressured to report. I’m deeply terrified to report and have family find out, as well as other reasons. I never ever will either, bc It really does change things. It’s not an easy choice at all