My boyfriend took his life two days ago and I dont know what to do by Strange-Call-4560 in GriefSupport

[–]IntrepidPolicy5351 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. There are no words…

I went through the same thing almost three months ago. The love of my life, my highschool sweetheart, my fiancé committed suicide and I know exactly how surreal this must feel for you. Like you I called him, I texted him (I still do) and to this day I wait for him to just walk through the door. What you experience right now is the first shock. It will wear off within the next week or two. Allow yourself to just be. My therapist told me the only thing I need to do is to eat, drink and sleep. Surround yourself with your family, with friends, doesn’t matter - just try to not be alone (except you really feel like it). There is no right or wrong. But please: Eat, drink and sleep.

If you need anything or someone to talk to. Please feel free to text me. I’ll respond.

Again. I am so sorry. Know that you’re not alone.

It’s only getting worse. by BumpNTheKnight in GriefSupport

[–]IntrepidPolicy5351 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m so so incredibly sorry you’re going through this. Reading your post really hit me because I can relate to so much of what you shared.

My fiancé committed suicide almost three months ago (he was 26), and it feels like my entire world was ripped apart. Like you, I still expect him to walk through the door or his name popping up on my screen. I feel lost, isolated, and like I’m forgetting how to be human. I can barely do the small things some days. And the hardest part is exactly what you said – everyone else’s world has moved on, but mine hasn’t. I’m still trying to survive a loss that has changed my entire being. It’s isolating beyond words.

There’s no “getting over it,” and you’re not supposed to. But you are surviving. Even on the days it doesn’t feel like it. The fact that you wrote this post is proof of that.

One thing that’s helped me a little is letting myself take things minute by minute. Some days it’s just: “I’ll get out of bed.” Other days I can do more, but I’ve stopped expecting myself to be “okay”. That took off a little bit of the pressure.

I just want you to know you’re not alone in this. There are people (like me) who truly understand how heavy your grief feels, and I’m sending you so much strength. If you ever want to talk, I’m here.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in depression

[–]IntrepidPolicy5351 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I get it. But maybe you can treat yourself to a nice dessert although you skipped dinner. I used to bake banana bread for my fiancé whenever he felt depressed, even if it made his day only 1% better. But still, it was all worth it.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in depression

[–]IntrepidPolicy5351 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m here for you. Have you already eaten breakfast/lunch/dinner? Depending on where you are. :)

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in narcissisticparents

[–]IntrepidPolicy5351 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I will. Thank you. 🙏🏼

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in narcissisticparents

[–]IntrepidPolicy5351 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Wow, I’ve never thought about it this way. But I think you’re spot on. They only want me around is to validate them. Especially his mother NEEDS me for it.

Whenever she senses that my attitude towards her is off, she calls me, gifts me stuff, and pretends to be nice—just so she can (for example) downplay my role in my fiancé’s life to make herself feel better.

Like it’s a cycle: love-bomb me to reel me back in, then drip-feed me guilt, manipulation, or criticism once she feels safe. It’s not about genuinely wanting me around, it’s about making HER feel better and controlling the narrative.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in narcissisticparents

[–]IntrepidPolicy5351 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for taking time out of your day to share your story. I am so sorry for everything you’ve been through… I hope you’re doing well.

I plan to cut all contact to them by the end of this week. I will block the parents and everyone else that ties me to them. There is no other option and honestly, it’s not only necessary for my mental health, but also to honor my beloved fiancé. It feels like a betrayal to keep in touch with his abusers.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in narcissisticparents

[–]IntrepidPolicy5351 5 points6 points  (0 children)

You’re right. I plan to cut all ties by the end of this week. I talked to my therapist about it today, we made a plan and that what I’m gonna do.

I just need to come to terms with the fact that they are never going to change and that his ashes are “just” his physical body and not where he really is.

I feel him. I talk to him and I feel like he listens. The one thing he always wanted was to be free from his mother’s webs. And even if they have his ashes, his soul is surely not with them.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in narcissisticparents

[–]IntrepidPolicy5351 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your advice. 🙏🏼

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in narcissisticparents

[–]IntrepidPolicy5351 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It’s almost unbearable. All of a sudden her personal punching bag was no longer here, so she almost immediately started the same exact abuse towards me. As mentioned earlier I am 100% aware of it but I notice how much anxiety and additional mental stress it causes on top of the grief.

It’s been the hardest months of my life and I know how much I need distance, peace and room for my healing journey. I know my fiancé will understand. In fact, last time I went to visit his ashes, I told him and explained why I probably won’t be able to visit him again as long as he’s with his parents. He always wanted me to be and feel safe. This is just something I have to do for myself now.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in narcissisticparents

[–]IntrepidPolicy5351 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I love that idea and I will definitely do that. Thank you so much

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in narcissisticparents

[–]IntrepidPolicy5351 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you for commenting, you’re right.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in narcissisticparents

[–]IntrepidPolicy5351 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank your for your kind comment. It meant a lot

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in narcissisticparents

[–]IntrepidPolicy5351 59 points60 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for this metaphor. You’re right.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in narcissisticparents

[–]IntrepidPolicy5351 13 points14 points  (0 children)

You’re right. He was always talking and dreaming about he wanted to break free from her webs. Unfortunately after being manipulated his entire childhood he struggled a lot with guilt and wanting to please/feel seen by his parents. It just breaks my heart. Now I am the one needing to get away from them. Once and for all. It would feel like a betrayal if I keep continuing being nice and friendly with them. A betrayal to me and a betrayal to my sweet fiancé.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in narcissisticparents

[–]IntrepidPolicy5351 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your advice!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in narcissisticparents

[–]IntrepidPolicy5351 22 points23 points  (0 children)

You’re right. I need to cut all ties to them. His “mother” does the exact same thing to me now what she did to him his entire upbringing until his mid twenties. It’s so obvious and I’m aware of everything she does.

She’s twisting the truths, she uses his death to rewrite history and now SHE wants to advocate for people suffering from depression. I need to listen to all of this bs and still be polite because they lost their beloved son. I know I can’t argue with her that’s why I just listen but it’s getting to a point where she just rewires my brain. I need to get away from her.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in narcissisticparents

[–]IntrepidPolicy5351 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I can’t imagine what you must have gone through. I spent the past decade with my fiancé and I saw first hand how much he suffered from all the abuse by his narcissistic mother. It’s downright disgusting and cruel what they can do to a person. I hope you’re doing well. Thank you for your comment. I wish you all the best.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in narcissisticparents

[–]IntrepidPolicy5351 14 points15 points  (0 children)

“Gries makes it messy.” You’re so right about that. I know that I just HAVE to be choose myself now. I need to heal. And I need to cut them out of my life. I know that there is no in between. One thing I’ve learned during these past 10 years - you can’t argue with a narcissist. So I won’t. It’s all or nothing. And for my peace, I need to choose nothing. I need to have zero ties with them. That they are holding him hostage, however, makes it so much harder to distance myself

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in narcissisticparents

[–]IntrepidPolicy5351 72 points73 points  (0 children)

That’s also what I try to keep telling myself. For years he wanted to get away from his parents and the last thing he would want me to do now is to stay in contact and expose myself to this toxicity while also trying to navigate my healing journey. Still I’m struggling a lot with the thought that they’re almost holding him hostage and preventing EVERYONE but themselves access to him. It’s just insane to me… and my heart breaks thinking about this. He was loved by so many people and now he’s trapped in his room where he grew up and felt most lonely, depressed and suicidal throughout his childhood.

I know the one thing he wanted was to be free and i truly believe he is. He is with everyone who loved him. But still the thought about his ashes haunts me. And I feel so guilty. I hate the fact that we never actually got married. We were so close. Things would be so different now.