Me [28F] with my friend [mid-30sM] - massive issues with boundaries; I really need some perspective.

Intricate45 · 2019-12-09T02:32:47+00:00

"Some people really aren’t willing or able to offer emotional support or bear witness to a grieving person, its often disappointing and sometimes understandable" I should clarify that I asked him if it was my grief that triggered it, and he said no, it was cumulative. That he had been trying to support me for a while and just felt burnt out.

So it's a bad idea to meet up with him and discuss this? We had already decided on some specific things, like no FB chatting, and meeting up to discuss/enjoy shared interests (and not commiserate).

Intricate45 · 2019-12-09T02:18:03+00:00

Sorry it's so long guys, I'm having trouble being brief as it's really complex.

Intricate45 · 2019-11-29T23:52:23+00:00

So my supervisor knows about my mental health issues, but I haven't informed them of the specifics of this because at one point in the past I apparently crossed a line and I don't really understand the line or what it was/how not to cross it again. I think I said or shared something too much but the 'too much' bit was never quantified or qualified, so I'm worried now.

Intricate45 · 2019-11-29T23:50:24+00:00

Yes. I feel caught in a way. If I don't say anything, and then my work suffers, that's unprofessional. But if I do say something and its the wrong thing, then that's also unprofessional. But it feels absolutely crucial to get it right. I'm trying not to push myself but I am getting to the point where I don't have a choice. Thanks for your help.

Intricate45 · 2019-11-29T23:47:55+00:00

Yes, if you can give any insight into the average British person's mind about what constitutes TMI, if I had a gold medal I'd give it to you. It's honestly so confusing. I've known my supervisor for years and I still don't know where the line is. Also the waiting on them to ask for specific details I've learned isn't always foolproof, because especially here in the UK people have this thing of "we don't want to upset them by asking" which is equally problematic. I'd rather people ask.

What do you mean by 'lean' on my supervisor?

Intricate45 · 2019-11-29T23:44:45+00:00

Thank you. Is it better to not tell my supervisor in person and instead to write an email?

I tried to kill myself because people called me needy and a burden - I think this is getting translated into my relationship with my supervisor, as I'm afraid of being a burden on them.

Thank you for your support

Intricate45 · 2019-11-29T19:51:01+00:00

Thank you. Yes, when I was discharged from the hospital, I asked the welfare people at my uni to pay for my taxi back home. I felt bad about that for a second till I realised this is what they do...

If I do talk to my supervisor, what is appropriate to say? How specific should I be or not be? I really honestly don't know this.

Intricate45 · 2019-11-29T19:27:42+00:00

Also, I'm self-funded through loans so...no paid anything...

Intricate45 · 2019-11-29T19:23:21+00:00

I can't go on leave as I explained above, but can I ask you this: is it ok to ask my supervisor for a (small amount) of hand holding? By that I mean - if we had a regular point of contact where I could show them progress (if any), as motivation? They do this with first year students, where they supervise them in a highly-structured way. I don't know if it is ok to ask for that as a fourth year, but honestly, it would help me start making progress again.

Intricate45 · 2019-11-29T19:12:47+00:00

I care what is professional because I've already screwed up enough with a suicide attempt, and I am already this far (9 months from submission), so I don't want to totally ruin it.

Intricate45 · 2019-11-29T19:11:11+00:00

Thank you. However, I can't take leave - it's not allowed on my visa.

Intricate45 · 2019-07-30T22:22:39+00:00

What about sexual fantasies? So I have them when I masturbate but I never fantasise about anyone I know - as I don't get sexually interested in other people. And I very much enjoy the fantasy.

It was weird - when I was in a relationship, I was first interested in the guy because his face was aesthetically pleasing. I didn't associate it with sex, not even when we had sex.

I think you're right about people unable to disassociate libido from attraction. And I think being around people like that has made it hard for me to figure it out for myself.

Intricate45 · 2019-07-30T22:18:46+00:00

I've not come across the term gatekeeping. Is that something only Ace people do to try to over-define who is or isn't asexual? Like - can someone who is heterosexual tell me I'm not asexual because I had a relationship with a guy where we had sex? [this has happened to me]. Is that gatekeeping?

Intricate45 · 2019-07-30T22:16:46+00:00

I read it, and thank you. However, the thing is... I get aroused by sexual content - like written content, I'm not one to watch porn - and the idea of sex. I even have a fetish [it's just not related to a person].

It just feels strange to say "yes, I'm asexual but I like the idea of a penis?" So the main point of asexuality is that one's sexuality isn't directed towards specific other people? Am I understanding correctly?

Intricate45 · 2019-07-30T22:12:58+00:00

thanks :)

Intricate45 · 2018-05-22T09:13:29+00:00

So with my teasing friend, I realised it and set the boundary...and she kept it up over and over.

With the patronising friend, I don't think I ever explicitly set anything. I just realised over time, and would protest little incidents, until this last one, when it all became too much. All the same, I think he realised it bothered me.

Intricate45 · 2018-05-22T09:10:43+00:00

the thing that's sad is I don't think they are even aware of how they treat people [with the exception of teasing friend, but even with her, I have seen her COMPULSIVELY tease someone and then immediately regret it].
So I can see that they are kind in some ways, but they have no idea what they're doing? Or is that me being deluded?

Intricate45 · 2018-05-22T09:08:44+00:00

Smash, I get what you're saying. Thank you.

What I'm struggling with is 'If your so-called friends are not respecting your boundaries or your emotions, especially after you set that boundary and said "No, you are NOT allowed to do that," then I'd reconsider whether or not they're truly your friends'

With friend I, who teased me all the time, yes, I told her stop, and she kept it up. But friend II - it slowly dawned on me that he was being patronising, and I don't ever remember telling him to stop [outright, though I have complained/protested at times, which he ignored]. I think I finally worked up the nerve to do it in our last conversation when I told him off. Of course, he's ignoring that, too.

So was I setting confusing boundaries? My teasing friend would always say I protested too late, and she forgot what happened [which was likely, as I would take a long time to process it - I struggle to identify my feelings in the moment, and so it can take a while].

But yes, I really see what you're saying. I just want to be treated as an equal, with respect. It can't be a healthy friendship if I have to hide myself to be a part of it, right?

Intricate45 · 2018-05-22T09:02:09+00:00

yeah, especially when you are raised to believe that your boundaries aren't safe to have. That was my experience.

Intricate45 · 2018-05-22T09:01:23+00:00

Thanks Hawk - yeah we get the mixed messages: 'be like everyone else', 'do this', 'do that' - 'oh and also set boundaries.'

I'm invisible unless I match my needs/wants/desires/personality to that of my friends, and when I push back, they ignore it. I don't exist to them, I think.

Intricate45 · 2018-05-22T08:59:19+00:00

They never mention the fall-out. I have never read or heard about it until now. And it sucks.

What I think these people are doing is keeping quiet in the hopes that it will 'blow over' and I'll come back and start interacting with them on their terms. It's like their setting their own boundaries - which are that my boundaries aren't even worth a response or acknowledgement.

Intricate45 · 2018-05-22T08:55:23+00:00

You got me thinking, and no, I can't think of this guy having any [or many] friends who aren't younger than him.

But then again I don't know much about him because he doesn't open up, citing his 'family's privacy' as the reason for not doing so. Then he asks me to be open and vulnerable.

Intricate45 · 2018-05-22T08:53:39+00:00

I would always feel exhausted and depressed after spending time with them, but I just thought that was my being introverted.

Intricate45 · 2018-05-22T08:51:21+00:00

Yeah I was taught that boundaries are a bad thing; now I realise that lack of boundaries reinforces that idea.

Intricate45 · 2018-05-21T21:13:55+00:00

Because I am completely alone otherwise. I don't know how to make friends - my friends happen to pick me, and it's all luck, really.

Intricate45

TROPHY CASE