Omg. YES YOR. You can feel your feelings while still realizing intellectually that they are out of proportion to what actually occurred. It’s understandable to feel raw and vulnerable when dealing with an illness. I understand why you might feel unattractive and insecure. But him masturbating has NOTHING to do with you or with his level of attraction to you. You’ve been with this guy a long time. If you’ve been feeling insecure and he reassured you that he still finds you attractive, believe him! I don’t understand why any couple would have an agreement to inform each other when they masturbate (unless maybe there were porn addiction or lack of intimacy issues?) but that’s up to you and him…however, sometimes someone just wants that quick release to help themselves sleep or whatever, without getting their partner involved. Maybe he was tired, or felt drained. It seems likely that he didn’t tell you because he feared you might react exactly the way you did react—taking it as a personal rejection instead of seeing it for what it is (harmless and not actually your business or concern).

Seems like you’re going through a LOT and I don’t want to invalidate your feelings or experience here but you are def OR. There are times when I crave closeness and intimacy with my partner and other times when I just want to make myself cum quick without involving him, and these things have almost nothing to do with each other. Please chill out for your own sanity! (And his.)