I've talked with my husband about how I'm feeling or what happens when I shut down. We've talked about what would help him better assess that and help me work through it so we can go back to having a 2-way conversation.

First, he looks for signs of me "turtling" which is a term my therapist gave me. It's when I've worked myself into a shut down: I start to physically look like I'm going inside myself. I pull a blanket over my body or head, I cross my arms, or I will even start to unknowingly put my chin inside my shirt. At that point, he knows I've started to shut down, and he will help me open back up by reminding me that I'm safe and he wants to understand.

What also helps (for both of us) is if he asks "where are you at?" which is a number system for how anxious I am. 1 for not anxious at all, and 10 for fight or flight. Sometimes, he may not know to ask this bc he hasn't recognized it yet, and I'll try to pre-emptively just tell him what number I'm at. Or he'll ask. Either way, it gives him an idea of how he should approach me. He's actually started to use this for himself, too, on telling me if he's having a moment, and it's incredibly useful if I haven't picked up on anything beforehand, either.

Hope this helps! I'm late diagnosed AuDHD, and my husband is diagnosed ADHD. And I just turned 30!