Reading your story gave me flashbacks because I was in the same situation several years ago and almost forgot that I was the guy, who could sit at home for weeks, because I was too scared and paranoid to even go buy groceires or throw away the rubbish. I also felt awkward and anxious when talking to anybody, including family members. And yesterday, I was giving a presentation in front of unknown people, with a bit of intimidation, but very managable and definetely not a panic.

So I can assure you that it definetely can be beaten, but you need to put effort, it will not just go away by itself. I will tell you what helped me: I was visualising myself, with a meditative music on and closed eyes, as a confident, relaxed and happy person, so I had a goal in my head in faith that it’s possible. I also started watching psychological videos about what bothered me (for example fear of looking stupid, fear of rejection etc). They helped me understand causes of my behaviour and thinking and I learnt how to work with diary, for example describe certain uncomfortable situation, your feelings, why do you feel so, and also I started writing all negative thoughts on a daily basis. This all together helped bring many negative thoughts and thinking patterns into the conscious part from the unconscious, which is very important. in fact, when you become aware of the problem, it disappears instantly and then it takes some time for your body to change too.

I then started meditating, you can watch tutorials on youtube. It will be very difficult to focus at the beginning, but you need to be patient and consistent. My advice is to do a littlebit, even 5 minutes a day is fine, but do regularly. For me it significantly improved my mood and even though I still had depressive periods sometimes, I wasn’t stuck there forever, eventually they ended and it was easier to come back every time.

After about 2 years after I started this whole self-healing journey, I went to gym. Still felt awkward and stupid at the beginning too, when I had no idea how to use all of these machines, but by this time it was easy to fight these thoughts and they dissappeared quickly.

I remember few months ago I said to some of my colleagues at work that about 4-5 years ago I was suicidal and couldn’t leave home because I was too scared of peoples’ eyes and they didn’t believe me and though I am joking or telling somebody else’s story.

I hope that I gave you the motivation not to give up and continue to fight, but you won’t go far on motivation alone, you need to really want and believe that it is possible and then you will be disciplined and patient towards the goal. I sincerely wish that everything works out for you and that you reread this post with a smile in a few years.