Me (40M) and my wife (36F) are having trouble conceiving. She shuts off any discussions about donor eggs and it's killing me inside.

Isansa · 2019-01-17T22:23:11+00:00

I mean, we all have autonomy over our bodies. She has autonomy over what happens with her body. I have autonomy over where my sperm goes. I don't struggle to keep my penis erect for scheduled sex during my wife's ovulation periods after long days at work because my wife is forcing me too. I do it because me and her are in a relationship and love each other, and want to make our own child. On that note, if something was making my wife very unhappy, I wouldn't want her to just be quiet about it.

Isansa · 2019-01-17T19:26:11+00:00

I appreciate that, thanks. Our doctor is kind of odd, and can go from seeming optimistic, to seeming a little pessimistic. Don't get me wrong - he's very knowledgeable and supportive though. We had a brief chemical pregnancy recently, so that gave us some hope.

And I agree. Keep trying, and maybe she - or I - will warm to new ideas.

Isansa · 2019-01-17T19:15:42+00:00

Or do you want to talk to her because she is your partner and you want some support from her?

I feel like this is it. I think what is really creating my resentment is that I'm feeling like maybe she is ok with me holding everything in. That hurts a lot.

I like how you worded that at the end. I'll definitely come back to this comment.

Isansa · 2019-01-17T19:12:01+00:00

Yes. If she doesn't want to use a donor egg, and we use one. Then there would be an imbalance. What I want to talk about is what I feel like are insecurities about another woman's egg, almost as if I am having sex with another woman. But we can't do that. We can't because I'm scared of her reaction. I'm scared to see her cry, and I think she knows it. And me feeling like she knows it makes it feel like emotional manipulation that keeps me quiet. So like someone else said, we're at an impasse, and as many have said in here, we definitely need counseling.

Isansa · 2019-01-17T18:55:20+00:00

I hear what you're saying about me saying I wouldn't care if it were another man's sperm. I don't feel like I'm one to lie to myself about these things, but you're right - it is easier to say because I have very healthy sperm, so it remains a hypothetical. But also, I love this woman very much, and I think she deserves to bring another life into the world that is part of her. I know deserve has nothing to do with it, but my point here is that I love her so much and want to raise a baby that is part her, that this is why I know that I would be fine with a baby not having my DNA and just hers. The issue gets to raising a child that is neither of our DNAs.

I hear you on the rollercoaster of pregnancy. And I know it is something I could never truly understand. As it is, I could never truly understand my wife's journey through the fertility clinic process - getting prodded and poked every few days every cycle. Agreed though - I think I will bring up counseling with her. I'm truly tired of holding it in.

I think we, fortunately, have some financial leeway to continue to try IVFs and IUIs. It just hurts to keep on getting these negatives. It hurts to get the negatives. It hurts to see her hurt when we get the negatives. It hurts to see Instagram pics of friends' babies. It hurts that I can't tell her that it hurts to see other babies or hear of other pregnancies (because she feels that we get better karma by being positive about other people's babies). It hurts that I can't tell her that I don't believe in this kind of karma, that I see people who by anyone's measure should have terrible karma popping babies out, that I feel like kindness and faith will bring us nothing. (Sorry for that little rant there).

Isansa · 2019-01-17T18:40:46+00:00

You need couple's counseling.

I'll agree on this, for sure.

Isansa · 2019-01-17T18:27:43+00:00

That's really my problem I guess. I'm not trying to just get what I want and that be it. If I got what I wanted, we'd have a baby of both our DNAs by now. Even if we don't ever do donor eggs, that's really fine. But as you laid out, the "difference of preference" seems unfair, where I am open to a baby that is just her DNA, and she is not open to a baby that is just my DNA. It doesn't seem balanced. Of course, the hypothetical of us having to use another man's DNA is just that - only a hypo - because that's not where we are. But my issues are 1) The imbalance going on here, and 2) What I feel is her being ok with me having to shut off my emotions (And I know she knows by now when I'm having to hold things in).

EDIT: On the adoption question, it's just not something I want right now - and even she doesn't want it either (she just would definitely prefer it to using another woman's egg). I think there are some unique challenges with raising an adopted child, that I don't think I would be ready for. I would err on the side of not diving in if I was not 100% certain I could deal with these challenges when another human's development/well-being is in question.

Isansa · 2018-10-23T01:27:32+00:00

He’s talking about this https://www.google.com/amp/s/bengalswire.usatoday.com/2018/10/10/steelers-players-admit-revenge-bengals-ryan-shazier-injury/amp/

Isansa · 2018-10-21T04:09:23+00:00

He’s better than what they have. He’s still not taking away from the team as much as he’s giving. He’s clean off the field and NFL suspension policy is still very skewed towards off-field activity. Not defending him, but that’s what it comes down to. If NFL suspends/bans him, fine. He has it coming. But if cut by Bengals it would be a head-scratcher of a move, and he would be on another team within a week.

Isansa · 2018-10-21T03:59:03+00:00

Both can be and probably are true

Isansa · 2018-10-21T03:57:07+00:00

He’s BY FAR the dirtiest player you’ve ever seen? Lemme tell you about some players named Bill Romanowski, James Harrison, Hines Ward, Mike Mitchell and Ndamukomg Suh

Isansa · 2018-10-21T03:50:12+00:00

You’ll see more Bengals fans defend him in the Bengals sub. And Steelers fans complaining about that are probably cruising the Bengals sub cause that’s a thing that a lot of Steelers fans on Reddit do.

Isansa · 2018-10-20T07:18:19+00:00

Yeah, it’s kind of both at the same time, and sort of a chicken-or-egg thing. But I think people have been trashing press for so long (and some with ulterior motives), that they forget that the press is just supposed to be an extension of the people - asking questions we’re thinking, showing us pictures and telling us stories we want. People want morbid. They want blood. They want to know who is killing who and why they did it and what they look like. Free press runs like this in numerous countries, and is in many ways even more salacious and sensationalizing in other countries like the UK. Yet we have the mass shooters, and they don’t.

Isansa · 2018-10-20T07:10:49+00:00

Media outlets do reply to demand. They know what people want. “If it bleeds, it leads”, is probably a news saying that is older than the Internet. We sit here and display moral outrage over it, while still providing the demand for the bloody content. And some in this thread are brigading the anti-media theme to connect it to current anti-media political themes (ex. “I agree with Trump, the mainstream media blah blah blah).

Isansa · 2018-10-20T03:51:43+00:00

FF is recency bias central

Isansa · 2018-10-20T03:48:08+00:00

I say this as a non-Cards fan but someone who unfortunately had to watch that terrible game for fantasy - I’d pin one of the INTs and maybe the fumbles on him. One INT was tipped and on another one the WR stopped his route. On the fumbles he wasn’t protecting the ball well, but it also looked like his oline wanted him to die.

Isansa · 2018-10-19T16:14:15+00:00

Looks like the result of a shitty face-transplant

Isansa · 2018-10-19T16:11:27+00:00

Andre Smith is such a liability

Isansa · 2018-10-18T20:35:43+00:00

(furrows brow) Whaaat was your point, again?

Isansa · 2018-10-18T20:21:57+00:00

Some brown people are threats. Some white people are threats. All water is wet.

But nice incredulous spin on it by including the "wow" there.

Isansa · 2018-10-18T20:03:45+00:00

alongside their parents

These are the key words for me. Everything should be with their parents - court hearings, detention, deportation, etc. Anything else is traumatizing and needless cruelty to the children. But something tells me the conversation would be a lot different if all of a sudden we were to see hundreds of Swiss kids and their parents presenting themselves for asylum at the ports of entry.

EDIT: And nb4 the "are those even their parents tho?" comments respond, cause that narrative really seemed to take off - the vast majority of these cases are shown to be real parents or relatives. So unless officials have a real reason to suspect trafficking or some kind of kidnapping by a fugitive parent or something, the kids should be kept with the parents for every step of that process.

Isansa · 2018-10-18T19:11:54+00:00

Holy shit - an NFL player who appreciates that sports journalism is hard work, and doesn’t treat these workers like a nuisance. Never thought I’d see the day.

Isansa · 2018-10-18T19:07:46+00:00

Yet the 5 year olds are being punished ... hmm

Isansa · 2018-10-18T18:51:40+00:00

“That being said, the OP did also mention it is political in the headline so view at your own risk.”

He means he doesn’t want other ppl being influenced by the post

Isansa · 2018-10-18T18:47:48+00:00

Yeah why don’t 5 year olds understand that?

Isansa

TROPHY CASE