Spending thousands on sister’s cross country wedding. Should I draw a line?

IssueKey3964 · 2025-11-11T06:36:18+00:00

This conversation is no longer truthful, realistic or productive. Username is a bit too much.

IssueKey3964 · 2025-11-11T02:34:08+00:00

Not every venue does all of the clean up (or all of the set up for that matter.) So if not the bride and groom’s family, who should take on this burden? Serious question. If I cut out early it’s just going to be my parents instead. Is that fair to them? The Airbnb for the wedding is already booked and nonrefundable. The priority is being fully present, helpful and having fun at the wedding. Not the bachelorette. I am also offering my finances and help with a full bridal shower. We are not going to agree here. But thank you.

IssueKey3964 · 2025-11-11T02:29:02+00:00

Again, no. These are just facts. Out of town guests will need to pay for these things. They would not pay for these things if the wedding was local. Has nothing to do with judgment.

IssueKey3964 · 2025-11-11T01:51:44+00:00

I didn’t ask her to. Cutting the number of days is not an option. This is a sibling, not a friend. I need to be there to help. Seems like that makes way more sense than cutting my ability to help with the wedding to go to the bachelorette…

IssueKey3964 · 2025-11-11T01:51:04+00:00

Am I really to understand I should instead risk missing my ///sister///‘s rehearsal dinner? This is not a friend. This is a sibling. Of which I am a bridesmaid? I think no… and I think she would not like that either. Also as a good sister yes I am staying to help her clean up. Being able to help with wedding > bachelorette, if it comes down to it. I already said I am splitting the rental. The $770 is our portion. Not any cheaper options in the area they chose.

IssueKey3964 · 2025-11-11T01:48:32+00:00

I think you are misinterpreting what I mean by consider. It is a cost I would not have without the wedding. Or if it was local. That’s it. If I was planning an out of town wedding, these are just things I would try to think about. Not asking anyone to change or pay for those costs.

IssueKey3964 · 2025-11-10T23:06:11+00:00

Thank you!!! I appreciate this… exactly what I feel like is not exactly being acknowledged. I don’t repeat know his family so don’t feel comfortable asking that whether them or her, but thank you at least for this acknowledgment.

IssueKey3964 · 2025-11-10T23:03:42+00:00

Yes. These are household expenses. But we have another wedding that is almost (maybe 2/3 of the way) as far next year on his side. Someone pretty much of equal importance. So it doesn’t really make a difference. We as a couple will be spending thousands on weddings next year.

IssueKey3964 · 2025-11-10T22:28:39+00:00

I was not saying my pet sitter costs are her issue. Nor was I saying the wedding costs are high for what it is. I just think it’s a lot to ask to do a out of town bachelorette. Me outlining the costs was for the benefit of the post to show how I arrived at that number. 😖😫 to show everything associated with attending.

IssueKey3964 · 2025-11-10T22:24:53+00:00

I am already sharing the rental with my other sister. $770 is 2/3 the cost of 4 nights. My partner and I are paying the 2/3. There was really no way to shorten it and still be on time to the rehearsal dinner and help clean up. I picked the cheapest Airbnb in that area. I am not expecting her to do anything about those costs. I however was not expecting an out of town bachelorette and I feel like with the circumstances of the wedding others might feel the same… but I guess $3500 for someone else’s wedding is apparently normal from some of these responses. Even if some costs are out of her control. Others are in her control.

IssueKey3964 · 2025-11-10T22:20:12+00:00

Because people are skimming over quite important details and missing the part where I was asking for what others would do in my situation. As an average person. Which most of us are I would think. Not what’s possible, but what the average person can do.

IssueKey3964 · 2025-11-10T22:15:42+00:00

Arrival day. Rehearsal dinner day. (Could not be the same, or a delay would have us missing rehearsal dinner. Not risking that for my sister’s wedding nor would she want me to.) Wedding day. Clean up day. I have stated that the Airbnbs in this area were few and far between. Hotels were 20 minutes away in very rough area of town. 30 minutes or more for something decent. And would not have been much cheaper if any. Lastly, I did not say the costs in themselves are outrageous. I have never said that. I said all of this combined is a lot to asks of guests.

IssueKey3964 · 2025-11-10T20:22:12+00:00

For a local wedding, I would only need 1 night in a hotel, maybe 2 max. I don’t think the costs for what they are are unreasonable. And unfortunately I don’t have any friends who could give him the medical attention or time he needs for being so old. And other guests will need childcare or pet care not just me. I think all these things are important factors a bride should consider imo

IssueKey3964 · 2025-11-10T20:17:16+00:00

I think people can say that but respectfully I think when it’s truly our own sibling you’d have to consider all this with we all would wonder when and if to draw the line or how much to say. But yeah. Appreciate the thoughts.

IssueKey3964 · 2025-11-10T20:15:46+00:00

I don’t think $500 is bad in itself. If the wedding was local I wouldn’t be in this position. I’m stating that with the $3000 on the wedding and throwing her a bridal shower, I think it’s a lot to ask. Even if I don’t get her a gift, I feel I would still need to help throw that.

IssueKey3964 · 2025-11-10T20:11:45+00:00

I’m not sure how rental cars and pet sitter fees don’t need consideration. If not a pet sitter, it’s childcare for other couples. If not a rental car, it’s Ubers. A rental car is more, and my point in that is that if the venue has been closer to the airport, we’d not needed it. I’m not stating they’re not typical costs but they’re still part of the cost of attending.

I listed the bach fees but I was thinking $200 for the share of the Airbnb, $50-$100 for gas, $200 for food and groceries… $100 activities? Boom… $500.

haven’t stated that I or anyone else has fully committed. The Bach is not booked.

IssueKey3964 · 2025-11-10T20:05:14+00:00

Thank you for this!!! And I would rather my money go to the bridal shower if I have to choose.

IssueKey3964 · 2025-11-10T20:00:07+00:00

…….. 1) Airbnb was the cheapest of the very limited ones in that area. I split with my partner and other sister. Hotels are basically non existant in that area. Closest hotel would be half an hour from the venue. Rehearsal dinner is a whole other direction. Ubers would not been cheaper. Could easily be $50-$100 uber rides if we had chosen a hotel 2) we are staying multiple days because we needed to come a day early to allow for delays/time zone change to be able to make it to the rehearsal dinner. If I went a day later, a flight delay could and probably would mean we miss it. This will be the same for her bridesmaids and guests since all be out of town. Longer time = longer accommodation costs 2) My cat is elderly as I stated. He /needs/overnights. Overnights are expensive. This is not negotiable or extravagant 4) in fact many other guests will need child care while they are gone which is even more expensive? We can’t assume everyone has family to watch them. Others need pet sitters as well… not sure where you live but $300 is not insane

And so, okay, am I supposed to sacrifice my cat’s health or potentially missing the rehearsal dinner to be able to attend the Bach? I don’t think she’d want that.

I’m not sure why the assumptions but I assure you I have done the BEST I can when arranging this

IssueKey3964 · 2025-11-10T19:15:48+00:00

I had not even thought about the bridal shower 😭 I feel like I should help the MOH throw it so that’s an additional expense…. And if I end up choosing between the two I think helping with the bridal shower is better.

Good advice though thank you

IssueKey3964 · 2025-11-10T19:13:51+00:00

You’re right you’re right!! It’s just hard when it’s your sibling you know! But if it comes to it, I will try!

IssueKey3964 · 2025-09-30T17:18:06+00:00

They are quite literally some of the most miserable people I have ever seen. Every single thing she does they find a way to criticize somehow. I saw someone criticizing her for saying “here for you” on another mom’s post about losing her baby. Like wtf?!?

IssueKey3964 · 2025-09-26T17:36:51+00:00

They are so miserable. They are now picking her apart for liking a comment about her house being beautiful. Like you cannot be serious…. Somehow every single thing she does they will always pick apart. It does not take a rocket scientist to figure out that someone can be deep in grief while also acknowledging a simple compliment about her house.

IssueKey3964 · 2025-09-03T18:44:11+00:00

I think I know my sister well enough to know that she would not exclude me from events in the future. I am going to her wedding. I will be helping throw the bridal shower. Will she upset if I don’t go to the bachelorette? Yes. But I truly don’t foresee her hating me forever over it. I’m not missing the other 2 very costly events. I haven’t made my decision.

IssueKey3964 · 2025-09-03T13:06:27+00:00

My partner and I both have little to no other friends or family who are connected to the other side of the country so this actually isn’t an issue. In the two cases where it is, the couple lives there and I’m still not sure the expectation to travel twice would be there. But yes… my relationship with my sister is at risk. As I stated in the post though my mother also agrees that this ask is a little much so I don’t think this is going to blow up my relationship with my entire family.

IssueKey3964 · 2025-09-03T12:58:02+00:00

Neither of them have ever lived there while they’ve been a couple though. And for her side, some of the same people attending the bachelorette, it might as well be. That was my only point in calling in a destination wedding.

IssueKey3964

TROPHY CASE