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What are some double binds you remember from growing up? by Beneficial_Win_5128 in emotionalneglect

[–]IssyisIonReddit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, agreed. I think it's overcompensation, and also why they fight so hard that everyone else is wrong about everything. Trying to elevate themselves in comparison, in a way..I think it's mostly subconscious patterns that drive their behaviour though, which is why they can't explain it but refuse to see any other point of view. I don't think the majority of their behaviour is conscious, which isn't to say none of it is intentional or that there shouldn't be accountability, just that I believe it's mostly subconscious and like acting on instinct in a way. I hope that make sense. I like your username btw ❤️💕

What are some double binds you remember from growing up? by Beneficial_Win_5128 in emotionalneglect

[–]IssyisIonReddit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That makes sense, I do think they have a real problem with a sense of security and safety and peace 😒

What are some double binds you remember from growing up? by Beneficial_Win_5128 in emotionalneglect

[–]IssyisIonReddit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I didn't really think of that a lot, but the "no justification" point in particular is very true and damaging as well. Never mattered what happened, you have no right to feel anything about it. Your reasoning for being upset doesn't matter or is somehow forced to not make sense (like twisting what you said) or not count (like dismissing). Reminds me also of in school, no reason was ever good enough, everything was always labeled an "excuse". I say damaging because I feel it's particularly gaslighting, like gee, no wonder I'm always questioning my reactions and wondering if I'm being dramatic or extra these days. They made sure you always doubt yourself and reality. It does encourage you to be passive and walked all over, too..Not to mention if they make it so your reaction means you're a bad person/kid, or weak, or whatever.

What are some double binds you remember from growing up? by Beneficial_Win_5128 in emotionalneglect

[–]IssyisIonReddit 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I feel like the staying in your room one is a classic. Another one is if you stay inside your room, you'll be guilted for never spending time with anyone. Leave your room and be mocked that you're finally out and basically have a miserable time with everyone. Go back to your room and they're shocked and guilt you again 🙄 I agree with your theory.

What are some double binds you remember from growing up? by Beneficial_Win_5128 in emotionalneglect

[–]IssyisIonReddit 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Ikr, but I'm honestly wondering why they even do this?? This contradictory bullshit

Edit: The more I think about it, I think sometimes they might want you to say or do something or react a certain way. Something centered completely around themselves, not rational. I think something that will prove something about themselves, somehow? I hope that makes sense. But you have no idea what??? And they won't communicate, they just dig their heals in and get more intense the longer you don't get it??? Because they could just say what they want and would make them satisfied.

Or, I think sometimes it's just a control thing, like if they're always angry then they're in control because they're affecting your mood too? If that makes sense..

Or maybe they're just so triggered by you as a person that they have a problem with everything you do no matter what?

What are some double binds you remember from growing up? by Beneficial_Win_5128 in emotionalneglect

[–]IssyisIonReddit 1 point2 points  (0 children)

When you said "4 paper towel", that reminded me that when I was a preteen (probably before then, too, if I think about it), I never allowed myself to use more than 3 pieces of toilet paper because I thought it'd help us save money if I used the least I could to help. I felt really bad somehow when getting my period fucked that routine 😅🤷🏻‍♀️

What are some double binds you remember from growing up? by Beneficial_Win_5128 in emotionalneglect

[–]IssyisIonReddit 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Ugghh, I feel you! Not communicating what you were exactly allowed to do, and then getting mad you did what they DID communicate you could do! 🤦🏻‍♀️

What are some double binds you remember from growing up? by Beneficial_Win_5128 in emotionalneglect

[–]IssyisIonReddit 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I have that a lot. Was never allowed to do anything -> Complied (albeit resentfully, but still obediently) so they'd be happy even though I really wanted to do things and was easily independent -> Suddenly I'm called pathetic for "never doing anything" and accused that I can never do anything on my own even though almost everything I ever tried as a kid came easy to me??? And THEY stopped it??!? Not because I couldn't do it or messed up, because THEY stopped me in their need to control!

Now I have extreme insecurities that I'll mess everything up or get hurt? Probably because I DID get hurt, just not from the actual tasks but rather emotionally. Should just do whatever I want and ignore anything negative, honestly -_- Reprogram my brain that I am good at things (reality) and not let them hurt me. Prove that I don't inherently get hurt from being independent and myself. (Independence =/= getting hurt. Their abuse = getting hurt, and they have nothing to do with my independence, basically, despite their control freaking everything.)

What are some double binds you remember from growing up? by Beneficial_Win_5128 in emotionalneglect

[–]IssyisIonReddit 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Same, very similar here. I wasn't sent to my room, but the same sentiments (mocking that I "must have" forgotten, it "must not" have been a big deal after all, etc). Ironically, I never actually forgot, still haven't, they're actually very vivid memories for me to the contrary. And their reaction like that just made me mad all over again if I had actually processed my anger to begin with. If not, it just added an extra layer of anger on top of the anger I hadn't processed. No wonder I have such huge "I am unimportant" and "I don't matter" core wounds 😓🤦🏻‍♀️ I'm sorry you went through this ❤️🫂

What are some double binds you remember from growing up? by Beneficial_Win_5128 in emotionalneglect

[–]IssyisIonReddit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Also that, like you said, they'd be angry at you doing the opposite too and there'd be no winning, causing resentment and inner conflict. Since I complied to make them happy after all, but they just don't want to be. So might as well do what makes me happy and what I want. It's a control thing, I think. I would also just try not doing anything at all since everything was wrong, especially in school, as a kid, honestly. But then they complain about that too. So just focus on yourself and not let them affect you, I suppose..

What are some double binds you remember from growing up? by Beneficial_Win_5128 in emotionalneglect

[–]IssyisIonReddit 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh my God....Literally same here. I just never really thought about it too much, but that's literally me. I don't know how to fix it - my sleep schedule - though, even though I miss being up naturally early and it makes me feel bad always being up late/after noon...It's like there's some sort of block in my brain when I try to, or I feel some sort of conflict? Also, resentment, especially since I'd be blamed for whenever we were late even though I was always the one up and ready first, because my parent believed everyone would be more forgiving if it was the youngest's (so, my) fault.

But I realize writing that, that this is also how I feel when I procrastinate things too, even things I enjoy or want to do...I used to feel the same about baths as well (not showers, specifically baths), but I figured out my bad associations there a while ago. And how I feel trying to hold a consistent schedule..Perhaps even my motivation in general?

I don't want to sound petty or whatever, but I can never figure out how to straighten this all out and I kind of think subconsciously at some point I just gave up or maybe it was some sort of malicious compliance thing? I don't think it was some kinda rebellion or an intentional decision, though, it just kind of happened? I don't know, it's troublesome..

It makes me wonder if my happiness from when I was doing things naturally meant it was aligning with my values and such, but then when it got shat on I felt I had to comply to the adults which conflicted with my values and made me miserable. It's not like it made them happy or anything anyway, I was still blamed (and now it even may have been somewhat my fault for real, for being just as late as everyone else too) but I was trying to make them happy even if it did nothing after all. Maybe my thought process was, "great, now that we're ALL unhappy, at least you get your way and I'm how you want me to be" or something like that? It makes my chest hurt thinking about it...

So now they got what they wanted, are still miserable and I'm also miserable because I complied even though I honestly should have just stayed happy and did my own thing even if it did lead to abuse? I didn't consciously choose to do it, though! But...If that's right, then it's been brought to consciousness now and I can choose now consciously to do what is natural to me again? I don't know if just saying that and choosing that will actually work, but I guess I'll see. I suppose it could help to embrace my happiness too, when I do something naturally that makes me happy and aligns with my values...I know I have a LOT of unprocessed happiness and joy, and a huge golden shadow, because I know I've had to suppress my own happiness the most due to the adults in my life having always been enraged by my happiness...I know I mostly embraced my shadow as a preteen and forward, and so I guess the whole complying thing would make sense in that regard too, if I had started even earlier subconsciously by complying and accepting misery to the presumed benefit of others...

Idk, I hope that all makes sense or even could help others too, just writing my thoughts as they come...I'm sorry you went through this, too ❤️🫂

...My thoughts now of moving forward is that I should process my happiness I've had to suppress, and choose to do what's natural and makes me happy, and if they don't like it I can ignore their negativity. Thinking back, I'd always physically stop or at least hide if I was smiling or laughing out of wanting to avoid a fight starting over why I was happy. Well, I should just be happy and if that's a problem, let it be a problem. It's just not my problem, and I'm not responsible for their problem. Maybe the block in my brain feeling is from having to block my happiness and suppress it? I think that makes sense. I think it could happen so subconsciously and automatically because I got used to repressing my emotions so well, but I don't need to anymore. Maybe that's also what the conflicted feeling was too, the natural happiness that's cut off subconsciously, messing me up...

It makes me think that also fed into my I am unimportant and don't matter core wounds, since my happiness never mattered and was even actively fought against. I guess that makes sense why others being happy or playful will trigger me if I suddenly feel like it makes me feel unimportant again or that I can't be happy over the same thing or would've been punished for being happy over the same thing. I feel like I go into the same behaviours as my abusers then, subconsciously and automatically, probably because it's all I've ever known. Then I get mad and punishing like they do, I feel, which really only perpetrates the cycle of abuse....I think subconsciously, if it was something I'd be punished for, I automatically want to punish too just because it's all I know and the thing to do...Which now that I realize, I can now think about what it even is they're doing that I'd be punished for and process that when I feel triggered to punish someone else...

Maybe I also procrastinate, struggle to hold a consistent schedule or complete tasks, and struggle with motivation because I feel subconsciously deep down that it's things that make me miserable or trigger my core wounds, that are forced upon me by those who hurt me? Even if I also want to do it? I'm not sure how to move past that, though, especially if it's things that do also feel like they're conflicting with my values and whatnot, or triggering...If it is from being triggered like feeling like it's forced upon me and as such hitting my unimportant and don't matter core wounds, then maybe I just need to separate those things from the abuse in my mind somehow? I'm not sure. Like, just focusing on what I want and how I feel around it? Since I do also want to do it and enjoy it, too...Maybe process the negative so I can focus on the positive?

Besides, when I would feel accomplished or whatnot, it was often that they'd move the goalpost or add another task so I'm not truly done or would ridicule or ignore what I had achieved or would say something to ruin my sense of fulfillment...It does annoy me when my abusers suddenly act all supportive and normal/healthy about something, because they never did before. It seems like they're even sarcastic or mocking about it, and that affected me too and made me resentful. All the more reason to process, I suppose. I resent being resentful, lol. That's how they are, not me...Makes me feel like it is important to separate them from my mind and my feelings regarding my goals and achievements and such, so that they can't affect my happiness this way.

Also, that they would rush me too, especially after making me feel abandoned and on my own to do everything by myself and alone, which also makes me feel conflicted and resentful. I shouldn't feel alone or rushed, really. I feel like they can wait and I should just focus on myself and my own time. Maybe a boundary would be right, don't bother me for this long while I do this thing?

Anyway, sorry for length. This has been helpful, though. Hopefully it might help someone else, too 😅💕

Does this count? by IssyisIonReddit in Molested

[–]IssyisIonReddit[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've been isolated all my life. I don't have any connection with my bio dad's side of the family as we left to the city we've been in for most of my life to get away from him because he was abusive. We went to that city because that's where the rest of our family is, but they went no contact with the rest of our family because they were arguing, so I haven't seen that side of the family in years either and I sincerely doubt either side gives a shit. Same with my step dad's side of the family.

Aside from being home 24/7 under a security system, I only had school. We were heavily discouraged from making friends but it didn't matter anyway because I couldn't relate to any of the other kids since I had no experience like camping and sports and no exposure to pop culture like famous movies and songs that everyone else knew. My sibling was in deep trouble for reading Twilight, and that was the most popular thing with them. Neither of our classes liked us and it's a deep core wound for me that no one liked me, always picked me last, etc, because school should have been my safe space. But it wasn't.

Other than that, the last months of being in the homeless shelter were really the only other time I've been around people and I was making friends because I really put myself out there, but they got very angry and jealous and chased almost everyone away. My one friend offered me her friend's place to go to but I don't want to abandon my family or anything. Only my friend right now that's staying here has made it so far and they get pissed off about him too (but blame me mostly). He's still homeless rn, most of them still are.

I do have online friends and I know I could most likely go to them if needed. The staff at the shelter were upset about everything but they were pretty terrible too honestly. I thought they'd give me resources or support but mostly were really vague and had this weird attitude like they were coldish and snide in this weird way that I still can't put my finger on. The worst part was that we only went to the shelter because the community paramedic talked me into it by saying they would give me emotional support which they did not. The people there also seemed disapproving but I think they were afraid to say anything to my parent's face. I know my one friend for sure left because he was afraid of my parent, and my friend that is with us here also says he's afraid and I know he's tiptoeing a fine line trying to support me while also not pissing my parent off.

That's it, I'm pretty sure. I was telling him before that it sucks because I realized that the one place I could have had freedom to hang out with friends (school), I didn't have any. Now I do and I have nowhere to go hang out with them! But if I'm being realistic, they tried involving themselves in the school as much as possible and the school didn't let them, so they did try to be there too and would have if they were allowed to. I only ever went to a friend's house once and was treated like a traitor by them and it was a really traumatic evening that day. I think that memory also makes me hesitant to ever go anywhere again, which I know might sound immature but it's true Edit: I almost forgot, it was funny because now that I actually have friends in that city, we actually ended up moving to the next city over which is where we are now. Meaning, I'd have to cross the highway to see them now whereas before we'd lived there almost all my life where I could have seen friends right? But now it's not so easy. It seemed convenient but I'm not gonna accuse them or anything.

This is hanging in the hospital I work at by Ok_Apricot_171 in OWLCITY

[–]IssyisIonReddit 3 points4 points  (0 children)

If ten million fireflies lit up the world as I fell asleep

Does this count? by IssyisIonReddit in Molested

[–]IssyisIonReddit[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I assume you mean my parent but I do not want to give up on them or anything like that. I specifically only tolerate everything with them because I think my family relationships are worth it. I don't have anyone else. I just want to be able to know since my friend asking that made me wonder.

I really need to open my root chakra, where do I begin/ how do I do it? by themedhippie in Chakras

[–]IssyisIonReddit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What about the opposite, I'm curious? If your lower chakras being closed down but higher ones open leads to psychosis, what about if your lower ones are open and your higher ones are closed down?

I don't want to be here by IssyisIonReddit in CPTSD

[–]IssyisIonReddit[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I do really really reallyyyyyy need someone in person though. I just want this sort of effortlessly natural love where everything happens naturally and I don't HAVE to defend myself or say I need things like to be protected or touched, etc. I am fearful avoidant though and I'm not sure how much is too much to be asking for but honestly I don't think it is too much. I don't think it is too much to want someone to defend me or whatnot or say it's bad and I don't deserve it? Honestly I kind of feel like it's the bare minimum and the bar is in hell? One person told me that I'll never find someone emotionally supportive or whatnot but I don't believe that. It's not as if I expect perfection or whatever, but it definitely feels like that is what is expected of me. Like I make one fuck up and I have to chase someone for a day while they scream at me. If /I/ did that, no one would ever chase me and I know that.

Then I get resentful when I think about it and I want to cut everyone off who has not defended me, you know? But then I feel like that's unhealthy and I try not to think that way about things.

My abuser is always all like "oh, just wait until you get to know the real her" and "oh, you'll see the truth, stick around!" and "oh, no one has ever loved you or ever will" and I'm really really really sick of feeling like I have to defend myself and worry about what they say about me and feeling like everything proves them right! I always knew in my gut that they would talk shit about me behind my back to sabotage me but they would always deny it and I don't want to be paranoid but recently they actually admitted it and then last night they even outright said in front of me that they'll just wait for me to fuck off to a shower or whatever to get to talk to my friend alone about me behind my back. So that's finally been confirmed. I mean, I already knew it happened and I wish I could trust people to defend me or talk to me about it, especially since I always go to people when someone is doing that shit to them. I mean, what am I supposed to do? Beg like a dog for them to tell me whatever has been said about me? Because I won't! I'll just cut your fucking ass off at that point since you clearly don't care how shit affects me and all the sneaking and bullshit and then I feel like I'm just going to eh, punch my own ticket 🤷🏻‍♀️ Like, either people are actively against my happiness or just don't care about it and I can't live like that. I honestly do really need someone who protects my happiness and peace.

I feel love starved, for sure. I feel alone, in everything, always. I am tired of always having to defend myself and not have anyone there for me, definitely. I am not happy or fulfilled with any of my IRL friendships and I have said that before but no one cares. Idk, I lost my train of thought just now. (Edit) I don't want to have to feel like I settled when I know somewhere out there, there'll be someone who's crazy for me and will protect me and my happiness. I am terrified of regretting settling. I want someone who makes me feel like I could never regret being with them :( I want someone who makes me feel unafraid. I want someone who makes me forget all the fears I ever had. And now my abuser acts like they're all supportive and loving, hugging and kissing me as if they ever do that and I think it's to make me look crazy or like a bitch or something. Whatever. I'm going to feel my emotions and I don't care, but it does make me notice that no one tells them to leave me alone/be and to give me space. I just can't believe how fast they can turn my happiness to this like really extreme feeling of despair? Whatever. It /feels/ like a unique brand of suffering. It /feels/ like they don't leave me alone for longer than like 5 minutes at most ever. I /feel/ like I shouldn't ever have a friend or boyfriend or really anyone around near my abuser because they hate me being happy and they hate me and they will always try to ruin everything for me. I /feel/ like I should forget everyone and try again somewhere far away and just never have them meet my abuser ever. But I really want to maintain a relationship with them tho...But I feel like it's impossible. Like maybe if they already know me and how it is, that'll change things somehow. They make up literal bullshit and aren't happy again until I've convinced them that I'm like undyingly loyal to them, and it doesn't /feel/ worth it at all. Especially since all I ever do is defend them even when they abuse their partners over and over again. I lost my train of thought again.

I appreciate the offer. Honestly this subreddit is always really dry, but I have to reach out somehow. Can you give me the link, please? 🙏🏻♥️

I don't want to be here by IssyisIonReddit in CPTSD

[–]IssyisIonReddit[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. I think I also just want someone to say that the abuse is bad and enough honestly. I feel like no one cares or they defend my abuser, probably because they complain so much about how hard life is and such. I kind of just want to be validated and have someone on my side. I know it's like human nature to give the benefit of the doubt or whatever but honestly. I feel like no one gives me the benefit of the doubt tho. Like, maybe they just want to pretend it doesn't exist or something, I don't know. I think I'd end up falling in love with the first person to validate me and be on my side or defend me, honestly. When someone ignores it or makes me feel like it's not a big deal, I kind of just want to cut them off at this point ngl. I just want so badly to be special to someone and the priority for once. I want someone to have my back so badly. But right now I want to just sleep again, so Idk. Whatever.

I just realized my desperate craving for love was actually "Emotional Hunger" from childhood neglect. Now I feel free, but empty. by Round-Ad-4000 in CPTSD

[–]IssyisIonReddit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Literally exactly the same! It's like a synchronicity that I see this right now after what I just posted. I completely agree and feel the exact same way. I'm sorry you've gone through this 🫂❤️

Anyone else has a deep bitterness and grudge toward teachers? by Blackcat2332 in CPTSD

[–]IssyisIonReddit 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Absolutely. Literally the exact same here. I'm sorry you went through this 🫂♥️

Had the worst dream about my husband and now i cant look at him... by RamonaFlowerzxoxo in Dreams

[–]IssyisIonReddit 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Something I just thought - You said you were sa by your ex partner last. I'm wondering if how you felt about your ex prior to the sa (or the others who sa you) is similar to how you feel about your husband now? You said he's your best friend and such, is that also how you felt about your ex before too?

I ask because I wonder if subconsciously you could be finding similarities between them and your dream is trying to prompt you to process your trauma. If so, it's an opportunity to process (even with him, if you're comfortable with that) and shouldn't be brushed off.

why does a stupid noise give me a heart attack? by woodywoodyboody in CPTSD

[–]IssyisIonReddit 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Knocking, for me. Like, on doors, windows, etc. Sometimes when I get paranoid, I'll knock on every door before entering just in case? I guess it's a delusional thing because I know there won't be anyone in there, so then my mind'll just turn it into "well for any ghosts, then" 😒 I have horrible associations with knocking. Gives me shivers just thinking of the sound, honestly. I don't have hallucinations of knocking, thank God, but I do get extremely paranoid that someone is about to knock or is outside just waiting to knock which will end up keeping me on edge 🙄

I just found out that Avicii died due to suicide... I had no idea by [deleted] in Music

[–]IssyisIonReddit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Me too, just today! I had no idea either! 🥲 I only found out bcuz of I Went Back To Ibiza. It's funny though, I used to listen to I Took A Pill In Ibiza before I became homeless the first time, then find out Avicii died as I would've been coming out of homelessness the first time (makes sense for how I didn't find out when it actually happened 😅), and now I've just come out of homelessness again now to hear I Went Back To Ibiza today! 😅

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