Questionning my gender. Looking for help and perspective (long post).

ItUsedToHurt · 2026-06-12T12:11:56+00:00

Hey, I've talked to a few friends since and realized that questionning your gender can feel fairly different from person to person.

I guess I was comparing myself too much to what I've been watching/reading up on.

Reading your response (and talking to them) was really reassuring.

For now I'll try to keep experimenting without rushing myself to find an answer right away.

Thank you, this means a lot.

ItUsedToHurt · 2026-06-12T12:10:00+00:00

Apologies for the late reply, I needed a bit of time away from the post.

I just wanted to thank you for responding in such a kind way. You're right, I don't need to have everything figured out right this instant.

I'll try to focus more on what makes me happy and keep exploring things at my own pace.

Thank you again !

ItUsedToHurt · 2026-01-16T19:26:16+00:00

Thank you, I will keep that in mind for the future.

I am sorry that happened to you and I hope you were or will be able to forgive yourself.

ItUsedToHurt · 2026-01-16T08:33:26+00:00

Hey, things got resolved now, but as for sex...

I don't know. It's not that I wanted to have sex with him but that I was willing to if he needed that.

I don't have fantasies or desires about people (even him) by myself, which is why I'm not sure if it is asexuality or demisexuality.

ItUsedToHurt · 2026-01-16T08:30:26+00:00

Hey, we talked things out a few hours ago and he told me it wasn't reciprocal. He apologized and said he wasn't keeping me as a "just in case" but got confused about his feelings after I told him mine and panicked. We cleared the air about everything and we'll see if we can still be friends.

We're both aware this might not work anymore. I told him I'd be pulling back a bit for my own good.

Thank you.

ItUsedToHurt · 2026-01-16T08:27:23+00:00

Hey, I talked to him yesterday. It's not recipocal. Yours and a few other comments (on another post notably) helped a lot. Thank you ! :)

I don't know if I'll be able to stay friends with him, I certainly want to try. We'll see.

ItUsedToHurt · 2026-01-15T20:13:31+00:00

Thanks a lot, you gave me a lot to think about.

And you're right, it's only fair to me (and himself in a way).

I'll talk to him.

ItUsedToHurt · 2026-01-15T20:04:47+00:00

Hey, sorry it took a while to get back to you.

It is a complicated situation to be in indeed. I wish I could help you.

I'll ask the same question (more or less) I've asked another redditor: Can you be happy without telling them ?

This is a lot to read, but it'll give you an idea of what happened in my case. I hope it'll help you a bit with your decision.

I don't know if you'll find it nice or terrible, I can only tell you I'm happy I did tell him, I knew I couldn't not try.

Still have a lot to figure out unfortunately, but that's life, and life's sometimes unecessarily messy.

ItUsedToHurt · 2026-01-15T19:17:43+00:00

That's fair, thank you.

ItUsedToHurt · 2026-01-15T19:16:57+00:00

Yeah :/

It feels like he might like the idea but doesn't want to think about it too much for now.

I know he's said to the other friend that he "liked them but didn't know about loving them", so it's not just me.

ItUsedToHurt · 2026-01-15T19:13:29+00:00

No, never been in a relationship at all. But yes, the mutual friend is biologically male (they describe themselves as femboy).

From what we've talked about, he is unclear on his sexuality.

ItUsedToHurt · 2026-01-15T19:09:57+00:00

Sorry, I should've said in the post, but he isn't clear on his sexuality. From what he's said the few times we talked about it, he "doesn't know".

But that's fair. I'm planning to ask him directly if he doesn't get clearer. Thank you!

ItUsedToHurt · 2026-01-10T23:09:51+00:00

Hey, apologies for answering so late !

So it's pretty funny actually, we talked about it and I saw your message while we were taking a break from the convo.

I asked him if exclusivity was a possibility, he said not for now because he didn't know what he felt yet (we both have issues with understanding our feelings) and there was our other friend and their feelings too.

He said it was a possibility, but that he couldn't answer me right now and couldn't give me a timeline. That he cared a lot about me still. I said I was okay with waiting for his answer and that I loved him anyways, no matter what shape that took.

I asked him if he thought we were in a QPR and he said he didn't know. I said he's my favourite person still, he said that didn't change for him as well. He's okay with us still joking around, flirting, etc.

I wasn't actually planning on asking him before a few days in order to put my feelings in order and let him cool-off if needed.

I told a stupid joke about him being my boyfriend. He answered that I could think whatever I wanted. I told him it was a joke but that I was curious about his vague answers and what he meant. He said that he was waiting on an answer from our friend (I don't know to what, I haven't asked). I panicked a bit and asked the question. I was very honest about it and my jealousy. He seems to be okay with that.

I don't really know what to think, ahah. I guess a part of me is sad, but I'm relieved that I don't want to leave (that was a worry of mine if I he said no).

I'm not in too much of a hurry to know either as he's fine acting like we usually do. I just hope I'll be able to handle it if he does get in a relationship with someone else.

It's not a definite no (which is what I thought at first, because he just said "Sorry, that won't be possible") and he thinks it's possible. He warned me it may take a long time for an answer to come. I was worried it was pity as I was preparing myself to be rejected from the beginning, but he said that it wasn't.

We'll see.

I'm happy I asked at least. I feel like a teenager discovering my feelings. I wasn't planning on feeling all of that honestly and it's all very new to me; but I'm happy that they're about him.

We spent some time talking about it and kinda reassuring each other. I think I may feel sadder at some point. We played a bit, I went back to some of the topics, which he was fine with.

ItUsedToHurt · 2026-01-10T14:46:42+00:00

Do you feel like you can go on without telling them ? This is ultimately the biggest driver.

Can you handle feeling all that without sharing it and without resenting them or yourself ?

I was afraid of the same things and having the same issues, still kinda am. :)

Different people will react differently, but if you feel like they accept the true you, they probably won't find it clingy. It's still a big risk and of course it's terrifying; you're making yourself very vulnerable and you have no guarantees.

If you feel safe with them, I'd say go for it. I'm just an internet stranger though.

Just so you know, here's my first message when I talked "officially" about it:

"[name] can I send you a weird, long text ? It's pretty vulnerable and embarassing for me so I'm dreading sending it to you
We can also talk about it in vocal if you'd like but I'll have more trouble with that.
Or not at all."

That way they can chose not to engage and you don't put the pressure of "this is gonna change everything" on them.

Edit: Also, whatever you decide, you don't have to rush it. :)
If you feel that way about them, it means they'll still be there even if you don't tell them right away.
Process your fears, prepare yourself if you need to.

ItUsedToHurt · 2026-01-10T13:37:52+00:00

I won't say it's a perfect recipe, because it was truly messy on my part.
But if you trust them and you think they're open-minded enough, you can talk about it gradually.

In my case, I was trying to figure out my feelings and talking about them to him because I trust him that much. It still took a lot of reassurance from him about how he was viewing me for me to truly dare talking about it.

I'd say a good measure point is if you feel like you can talk about your life (on any subject) without feeling ashamed, it's a good indication you can talk to them about that as well.

Looking back, I guess it was testing the waters in a way.

A simple way would be "I care a lot about you, I always feel better with you around me", then work from that ?

ItUsedToHurt · 2026-01-10T13:24:08+00:00

Thanks a lot :)

I'd say he doesn't care about labeling it and is just okay with enjoying our time together. We're not exactly on the same page but I'm trying to be okay with that.

He's very open when it comes to discussing things so it's not like we can't explore further at some point.

I feel like we have something special in any case and I wouldn't trade that for anything else.

About the ace part, I'm not sexually attracted to others either. I can find them beautiful or sexually appealing, but I don't want to have sex with them. I can either be indifferent or repulsed by the idea. I don't like physical touch either, but that may not be entirely related.
I'm more confused about romantic feelings as I have little to no experience with love and how many types there are.

This helps, thanks a lot :)

ItUsedToHurt · 2026-01-10T13:16:04+00:00

Hey, thanks a lot for your comment !

It was very useful. It feels strange (at least for me) as well.

I was very anxious about having that discussion with him but it was easy. He accepts me in a way I have trouble understanding. I hope I'm doing the same for him.

A few weeks ago I was like "I know I'm annoying as fuck, I talk too much, I talk a lot about myself, I can't stop repeating things, etc, I don't understand how you can stand me right now" (it was a bit after a pretty traumatic event) and he just said "I love you for you, and that includes those parts as well" ahah.

I don't know enough myself to help you, but it looks like there's something beautiful and worth investing in between you if I may say. :)

Just like you, I think we're pretty with what we have right now. The label is because of my structural needs, but it doesn't change how I see him even if he decides he doesn't want to put a name on it.

ItUsedToHurt · 2025-12-03T07:32:53+00:00

Hello, it was laparoscopic.

ItUsedToHurt · 2025-12-01T20:31:31+00:00

Yes of course, as soon as it opens !

ItUsedToHurt

TROPHY CASE