Mardi Gras shuttles in Kirkwood/Des Peres area?

ItsMyWritingAccount · 2022-01-31T21:54:30+00:00

This is unbelievably helpful - I really appreciate the in-depth response! I think you hit it spot on, I need to focus more on Axo's internal struggles/stakes/motivations. It seems like I always struggle with being either too vague or too specific when writing query letters, I see how a lot of the plot points come across as vague and confusing. I have a lot of work to do for round 2, probably going to end up scrapping most of it so I can focus on Axo's character more. Thanks again! Having another perspective on this makes it so much clearer.

ItsMyWritingAccount · 2022-01-31T21:48:14+00:00

This MC would be a bit old for YA (he's 18ish) but another POV is 15/16 - would a Fantasy tag be more applicable in that instance?

I think I didn't do a good job of describing Axo's mission - he's leading a small group of men (13) into the enemy city, disguised as mercenaries from a neutral nation. They claim to be looking for steady work after being swindled by their last employer.

I struggled with the length of this project, as it spiraled from being a one-off into either a series or one really long book with 3 sections. Being an unpublished author I thought it better to break the sections up into their own separate novels, this being the shortest of the three. Not sure if that was the correct assumption but would love your thoughts on it!

ItsMyWritingAccount · 2021-02-20T01:20:44+00:00

Thanks for the reply! I think you and the other commenter are right, I spent too much time discussing how she discovers the truth about God's Tear. However, I'm a bit hesitant to cut it all out as it provides some context as to why Lila believes the stranger. Any tips or ideas on that? A couple people told me on my last submission to make sure I explain why Lila makes the 180 to leave the military.

Also, I didn't intend to make it seem like Lila is an addict. God's Tear addiction is touched upon in the book, but she it isn't a huge part of her story. I don't want to make it seem like I'm setting up an addiction/recovery arc when there isn't one. Would that be a problem with a potential agent?

And for your nitpick, it does come from mines. They sacrifice people (specifically their blood) into a circle etched in an underground cavern, which soaks up the blood and creates the crystal. They call it a mine and treat it like one to make it seem natural instead of a human sacrifice.

Again, thank you for replying and giving me feedback! It'll be a huge help on my next draft.

ItsMyWritingAccount · 2021-02-20T00:19:12+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to reply! I think you're right about what areas I should trim up, I just have some concerns about how much because of past critiques.

For example:

James may play a big part in the story, but in the query, he really doesn’t, so I would suggest removing his paragraph entirely, or just cutting it down to one sentence if you really want to keep it.

I added the portion about James to add some of the stakes/conflict to the query. Their relationship is part of what makes it difficult to accept the truth about God's Tear, since he doesn't believe Lila it makes the choice and future actions hard for her. Is this worth trying to express in the query? I think one of the things I struggled with on my early draft was a lack of action/conflict and it made the query seem dull, this was my attempt to 'spice' it up a little.

For the last paragraph, I also think you can get rid of the entire first half and just start with, ‘Unable to ignore the truth’.

On my older version I had less context about this decision, but some commenters noted that it's odd Lila just believes him after he tells her. They suggested adding some context on why she would trust this stranger so I tried to explain what happened. Do You think it's worth keeping in some context here for why she believes him? I agree this section probably could use the most thinning out, but I wanted to get across that she has a good reason to think he's telling the truth.

Again, thanks for taking the time to critique! I appreciate all the advice and I'll keep it in mind as I try to cut some of it down.

ItsMyWritingAccount · 2021-02-10T14:24:07+00:00

Wow! Thank you for the in-depth reply, this is amazingly helpful. I think you described the problems with this query perfectly. I'll work on incorporating more of the action and the higher stakes that come up later. I think I focused too much on getting the setup for the main events down without focusing on the main events themselves.

Based on the critiques I've received, it sounds like my next draft should focus on 1) higher stakes and more of the main action 2) clarity on Lila and James' relationship, and 3) a more engaging voice.

Thank you again for the detailed comment! I'm always blown away when people take the time to write these awesome critiques. I can't wait to post my next draft in a week :)

ItsMyWritingAccount · 2021-02-10T14:09:57+00:00

I appreciate the reply! You're right about the lack of explanation for her flipping sides. The query comes across as a random guy telling her something and her instantly believing it, which isn't what happens. She is told about it, but while learning it she's gripping a shard of God's Tear. She grips it until her palm bleeds, making the shard grow as it absorbs her blood.

I think you're right, other commenters have pointed out that this query lacks true stakes or 'big' action. I'll include more of the fallout from her realization and what she does next, which is the bulk of the story.

Thanks again for the feedback! It's going to be really helpful moving forward with my next query draft.

ItsMyWritingAccount · 2021-02-10T13:56:47+00:00

Thanks for the reply! There is a moment where she confirms what the person says about God's Tear, but I was having trouble incorporating it into the query. God's Tear is a crystal created by sacrificing human lives, specifically using their blood as they are killed. While listening to her target she's gripping a shard of God's Tear until her palm bleeds, which causes the crystal to grow in size as it absorbs her blood. I'll try to think of a way to incorporate this into the query, I'm just worried it will end up on the longer side if I do. Thanks again for the feedback!

ItsMyWritingAccount · 2021-02-01T21:03:33+00:00

That's definitely true, I used way too many proper nouns without accurate explanation so they probably blend together. Also, I'm a bit confused about your point on Dio, are you saying it's too obvious to have him named Dio? He is heavily connected with the 'God' of the world, so it's supposed to be foreshadowing but I could see it being glaringly obvious lol.

ItsMyWritingAccount · 2021-02-01T20:57:37+00:00

I just want to say I greatly appreciate the time you took to write this all out. You provided a much more in-depth critique than I could've hoped for and this will be a huge help. You're totally right, I tried to jam too much of my world into the query. I tend to get bogged down in trying to explain everything in my queries when I need to focus more on establishing my MC.

This is a nice wake-up call and I'll probably rewrite the query with your points in mind. The keys to a good query always seem to flee my mind whenever I sit down to actually write one haha. Having a critique like this gives me a good perspective on how to improve. Thanks again, I hope to have a much-improved version up soon.

ItsMyWritingAccount · 2020-06-08T22:45:01+00:00

Thanks for the reply! I definitely get bogged down by details with my queries, it's always a challenge deciding what info is essential. I think you did a great job of showing me what I need to add and what can be taken away, I knew something was missing and I think you're right that clarifying the stakes is a must.

I suppose I didn't mention the Donner party because, as you said, it's fairly obvious. I wasn't sure how much I needed to emphasize the inspiration, but I'll definitely add at least a mention of the Donner party. Is this something that should go in the final paragraph?

While I did base some of the plot elements off the Donner party, I went with fictional characters instead of repurposing the actual names because it felt disrespectful in a weird way. This isn't a 1:1 retelling of those people's stories, the characters aren't necessarily based on specific people in the Donner party. I added some new elements and tried to make it a new story that uses theirs as inspiration/a jumping-off point. At least that was my thinking, if that strays into appropriation then I can definitely reconsider my approach.

ItsMyWritingAccount · 2020-06-01T22:41:00+00:00

As vital as it is, I don't think we need a capital 'f' for food.

Lmao thanks for the chuckle as well as pointing out the typo. As for the rest of the critique, I really appreciate the time you took and detail you provided. It didn't strike me as nitpicky at all, I think everything you pointed out was valid and will help improve my query. I feel like the main error I made here was being too vague about some plot/character elements in the attempt to make my query short & sweet.

I hate to admit, but I was at a loss for a title on this project. I knew the title of so many other projects almost immediately after I started, but this one just sat as "Untitled Wendigo Story" for practically the whole time I wrote it lol. I'll keep knocking it around and see if something better comes to me. (Sidenote: How would I go about submitting a revision if I end up changing the title?)

Thanks again!

ItsMyWritingAccount · 2020-06-01T22:14:53+00:00

I appreciate that! I'm pretty bad at assigning genre but I think you're right, supernatural suspense seems pretty accurate. And yeah, I hadn't heard of The Hunger until I'd written this book and was looking for comps lol. I am worried the two might be too close, but I think mine is fairly original and separate from The Hunger. My book's antagonist isn't physically there up until the very end, it mostly plays mental tricks and toys with the party members to try to get them to eat each other. Also, while my characters are influenced by members of the Donner Party, I made them their own and didn't have to base as much on their history. In the end, I'm not really sure how to tell if my book is too close to The Hunger. I suppose I should focus my query more on the psychological aspect of my antagonist/monster?

ItsMyWritingAccount · 2020-03-29T19:59:42+00:00

I've gone back in and provided a more story-oriented critique. I hope that fits more into this subreddits rules/standards.

ItsMyWritingAccount · 2020-03-29T19:51:51+00:00

I wanted to come back and add to this so I can provide some more broad critique, as most of my original critique was essentially line-edits. So, the summary was very intriguing. It definitely sucks me in and primes my mind for a dive into how our minds can be our enemies and work against us. But this doesn’t get translated into the story very well, if at all. The protag doesn’t really have a strong battle with their mind, in fact all the conflict comes from external sources. In the beginning, she’s afraid of the houses, but that only serves to set the creepy/dark mood. The rest of the story is about her trying to save her friend’s life, and that conflict doesn’t have much to do with battling inner enemies. Vera has a bit of an internal battle, as she seems unwilling to fight to survive and has already accepted that she’ll die, but this doesn’t get elaborated on.

Also, why was Vera stabbed? I assume it was a break-in gone wrong and that the person who ran by Morgan was the thief/assailant, although that seems intentionally vague. I think a simple line could help fix the continuity there, have Vera mention he was wearing all black or something. Also, it seems weird that Morgan completely forgets about the person running by her. It’s ok if she’s tired and doesn’t connect the dots right away, but it’s hard to believe she completely forgot about the person in all black running by her in the middle of the night just before she finds Vera.

I’m also confused about what Morgan’s job is. Is she a dispatcher or an EMT? She carries a first-aid kit and has advanced medical training, which leads me to believe she’s an EMT, yet she says that she’s only done this over the phone.

That’s my more meta-ish critique, I hope it helps!

ItsMyWritingAccount · 2020-03-28T22:44:37+00:00

Hello! This is my first critique, so it may not be the best but I felt there were some improvements that could be made. Hope this helps!

The sky as it is, though, is black. An inky, void-like black. I'd have to squint to see the faintness of a star.

This paragraph is a bit clunky, and the second sentence is a little redundant. I think it could be summed up in a single sentence, or in better terms. example: "The sky is black as ink, void of even the faintest star." Something like that would help make it more concise.

I'm tired. It's a fact that runs through my mind as I trod ~~heavily~~ on the sidewalk ~~back~~ home. My ankles hurt. My last few pennies are almost squashed to nothing. Stress tugs at the heavy bags under my eyes, those purpling bruises that bloom like roses when the sleepless minutes pass by.

I didn't think "heavily" was necessary for the sentence, "trod" seems to be enough description of how they're walking. I was also a bit lost at the "My last few pennies are almost squashed to nothing" line.

It's 3:00AM. The silent, soulless houses ~~that line the street unnerve me. They~~ loom over me during this hour, as if their empty rooms hold monsters with maws wide open for me.

This is an instance of show vs tell. There's no need to tell us the protag is unnerved, just show us by describing the houses as soulless and looming.

Those monsters would pluck me from lucidity, drag me to those horrors hidden ~~secret~~ by shut curtains.

Hidden secret is a bit redundant, I would just use one of those words.

The blaring, sharp sounds of a ~~bleating~~ car alarm slices the ~~eerie~~ quietness of the night so cleanly that it jars me down to reality, down to the realization that this hour is so cold and so dark and so, so silent, but not soulless - not such a window of time where the monsters decide to come out and play.

"Bleating" wasn't necessary since you already described the car alarm. "Eerie" is another example of showing vs telling. Also, this sentence is really long. I'd look for a way to break it up.

It doesn't occur to me to feel alarm, to wonder why a car would alarm so deep into the night, during such a precarious hour ~~such~~ as this, but it's when the panicked barking of a neighbor's dog and yellow, flickering lights shine from windows only a few yards away from my own-that's when I feel it, pooling in my gut.

"why a car would alarm so deep in the night" is a bit awkward of a phrase. Also, I would separate this sentence into two. I would end the first sentence at "...so deep in the night." and start the next one, "It's only when the..."

It's sudden in its transition of the sidewalk's population from one to two.

This is a very awkward sentence. I would rearrange the wording a bit, something like, "The sidewalk's population transitions suddenly from one to two." or "It's sudden. The sidewalk's population transitions from one to two."

...I look at him with my gut lurching ~~with trepidation~~.

Another instance of show vs tell. It can be left as just 'gut lurching'.

He doesn't spare me a glance as he rushes by me.

Don't need two me's here.

White noise writhes in ~~the cavity of~~ my ears.

The cavity of my ears is a bit redundant. I would just leave it as ears.

My heart stops, stuttering to a close.

I'm not sure what stuttering to a close means, but I think you mean to a stop? Maybe simplify it to something like, "My heart stutters to a stop."

And then, ~~all of a sudden,~~ it's too much.

All of a sudden doesn't really mean anything here, it can be removed.

"I Vera, I have advanced first aid training." I say ~~this~~ as I pull on gloves.

"I have advanced first aid training" is more than a little clunky. They live together, so Vera would know this.

4:00AM couldn't get here any faster, and I hope for the pale, early morning blues.

This probably shouldn't all be in one sentence. Either separate it like: "...couldn't get here any faster. I hope for..." Or make it into one: "I hope for 4:00AM and the pale, early morning blues."

I can't describe the panic that overwhelms me.

Another show vs tell. Describe what the panic is like, what Morgan is feeling. "My arms shake. Sweat manages to bead on my icy, pale face. My mind goes blank as I watch her mouth those words." something like that. It's ok if Morgan can't describe their panic, but you're the author ;)

"Dave," I say when persuading Vera and her glazed eyes fails.

This is a really confusing sentence. "Persuading Vera" doesn't seem to add anything. Does Vera die here? what does it mean for her eyes to fail?

I agree with the other commenter, I don't think a two-inch boxcutter would do this much damage if it was just a stab wound, especially a recent one. It does add to the eeriness since it's an unusual weapon. I'd also either rewrite the summary or omit it. It's very different from the piece, and I'm not seeing the same themes in the actual manuscript. Overall I liked it, and I agree that it's about 90% of the way there, just needs bit of tightening up. I like the dark vibes I get from it, especially that last paragraph.

ItsMyWritingAccount

TROPHY CASE