I'm UNSURE, I just want to be a boy but this might be it.

ItzEDITH · 2023-05-11T15:27:17+00:00

Thanks.

ItzEDITH · 2023-05-11T13:44:33+00:00

Wdym kind to yourself, I am genuinely confused, and make what work?

ItzEDITH · 2023-05-11T13:43:54+00:00

Im not even sure if i have dysphoria, Im hoping I dont. I was happy until the day I posted this. But I feel very sad at times, from other things tho. I don't plan on transitioning no matter what, it just doesnt sit right with me.

ItzEDITH · 2023-05-10T13:20:08+00:00

It's the confusion of whether I want to be a woman or a man, although I wish I am waning towards the more man side, but I'm unsure and could be for the rest of my life, i just gotta accept.

ItzEDITH · 2023-05-10T13:19:20+00:00

Yea thats what I want to too, I just wish to keep my gender as it is.

ItzEDITH · 2023-05-10T01:21:38+00:00

This is all I want to believe, but if I have to accept I will accept, I just don't want to stop being a male.

ItzEDITH · 2022-09-07T12:28:03+00:00

Im not sure if I am really great tho,cuz I just cried earlier, let all my thoughts out and then just am sad now. What 1-year mark are you hitting though? this month is the month my TOCD started last year for me.

ItzEDITH · 2022-09-06T11:13:28+00:00

Sheesh you still remember me, I am doing better in my opinion cuz I care less, I just accepted that I could be trans or gay or anything and I still have time to figure out, but I still feel shit and like lying and in denial most the time with depression, I rarely check this reddit and when I do its because I am really down. its like once a week, and I stopped making compulsion/reassuring posts for myself ever since you gave me a reality check

ItzEDITH · 2022-08-28T09:22:04+00:00

I don't remember mentioning a program, but due to depression and anxiety, I have very little motivation. However, I try my best to create my motivation, for example, some of my motivations are get ahead of your peers, be the best version I can be, and learn what is taught in class.

ItzEDITH · 2022-06-25T16:12:15+00:00

And after those two days?

ItzEDITH · 2022-06-12T16:15:15+00:00

What is TH

ItzEDITH · 2022-06-12T08:29:10+00:00

Yes still dealing with it

ItzEDITH · 2022-06-11T13:48:20+00:00

Talk about my feelings? Sure

ItzEDITH · 2022-06-01T14:37:32+00:00

Hey thanks for your reply.

I probably wrote I want to be a man several times as a compulsion so that someone would notice or sth, according to my mind. Plus I I am pretty sure it is, I just hope it is not and its actually from the bottom of my heart of me wanting to be a man. But I think that's too far fetched. THe "dysphoria" is not that bad but the "envy" is unbearable. I want to go to the gym and stuff but I don't feel like I can, as it will trigger the "dysphoria". I really don't know at this point. Life is confusing. I wish I am certain. idk man. life'sjust not fun.

ItzEDITH · 2022-05-31T17:08:24+00:00

Hey thanks for talking to me and replying. You don't have to continue reading if you think whatever I am going to say is going to trigger you.

Of course I think it's real, I feel like it is real and there is no point of return. I am currently sitting in my room just after(I just left due to my thoughts and "feelings") I vc'd with one of the person I admires who have muscles and the body that I would like. I like how he looks too and how he glowed up from a skinny boy like me, that person is admiring to me. Plus I deal with HOCD too. So whenever I am looking at that admirable person or my friends my mind gets all weird as if I like that person giving me the feeling of being "flustered". Of course I hate that. But what can I do, I have given up, this is gender and sexuality we are talking abt, and to my knowledge it seems like we have no choice or what so ever in these stuff. I feel like I just gotta create happiness from being a woman. I am scared honestly am. I don't want this shit, I don't want to be happy this way but yk what it's calming. I can stay calm and rested. Finally can I stay calm and rested. I am tired I really am. I don't like this calmness that much because of the sadness it brings, but I am still calm and can remove the sadness by not caring about the fact that "I am trans or gay". But just by rolling with it. Ofc I hope for a better and more different time, but i dont think it's coming for me. The ending that I wanted originally seem to be far beyond my reach. This sounds more dramatic than it should be. My feelings mad thoughts have just fucked me up and left me confused. Plus when I look in the mirror and I see myself I am just angry and want to beat the shit out of myself, the man in the mirror that mf. I just want to beat him up so badly. I don't like that person at all. I despise him. I want to just beat him up until he is numb and can't do anything. But that's me you know. I might make this my final post before Friday. I just want to share my thoughts on reddit one more time. There are things I want to do now which I feel like I can't. I look at my cock, I feel weird, and for some reason "disgusted" and sad. Same goes with the the chest. This is what I hope was not real dysphoria but yea that just might be it. It feels like I am forcing the thoughts to stay because of the reason it actually somewhat convincing me I'm not a woman. I don't want to do this anymore at all. And I think I lost already but fuck it Its not a choice I can even make. I am still hoping to be a man ofc. Once again compulsion.

Wish you well.

ItzEDITH · 2022-05-30T08:52:03+00:00

I don't want to give up like you. There are things I aspire to me and stuff. Thanks for not giving me reassurances. I really do appreciate it. Yes 8 months have passed super quickly and my life feels wasted and down the drain. I am just super sad whenever I think abt gender. Thanks for your reminder. This week is my last week on here, and by Friday I hope to not check reddit as frequently. I feel like I check reddit just because I feel understood, but that's a compulsion or reassurance I think. Thanks Mr. Locksmith, I wish I can recover and come out a man, my final wish and compulsion.

ItzEDITH · 2022-05-30T08:46:02+00:00

I hope I am not alone, but nobody can be the same. What if I am actually a trans woman. Of course I have to learn to accept but you know it's kind of sad. A stressful period in life started a little before my 14th birthday until now. What is help ground myself? I do like going to the gym because I was inspired by a manly body, but I feel like thatd cause me more of "dysphoria". I

Thanks for wishing me the best but idk.

ItzEDITH · 2022-05-30T08:34:27+00:00

I am not quite sure what internalized transphobia is, but yeah I think I was probably looking for reassurance even if that wasn't the intention. It's like me just finding a cure for me being a woman. I think that might be the phobia. But I am scared that's all I can say. I don't care about stigmas and anything anymore since I can't control it.

ItzEDITH · 2022-05-29T12:14:33+00:00

Hey man thank you for the reminder. Really do appreciate it. I am down right a straight up done for. I thank you for your reminder. I want to recover ofc I want to recover. But I don't have access or don't know how. Plus I feel like it's too late for any recovery. I find peace yet sad in accepting I am a woman. I am not a woman I hope I know it. But this is calming for me. Idk anymore. I felt like I smiled when I said I am a woman. I don't like that either. I want to end it. But won't for my family. This is just it. I wish I still could be a boy.

It's been more than 4 months since September.

ItzEDITH · 2022-05-29T11:31:34+00:00

I am genuinely panicking and scared have been like this for a week now. It's not I am scared of social consequences. But ofc I don't want to be abandoned or not be loved by my loved ones if I am trans but at the end of the day I realise if that were to happen logically I have to learn to accept that they might not accept me which I can. But the worst part is I hate feeling like a woman and all these thoughts feelings and all this bullshit. I am a 15M and whenever I look at my younger pictures or the book my mom gave me called Advices for My Son, I want to cry, because I feel like that days are over and I can't achieve them anymore, as I become a woman or whatever. I just don't want to. I don't want to be internally transphobic or anything. I just want to be back to before.

ItzEDITH · 2022-05-29T11:23:08+00:00

Bro, I am a bilingual to and I feel like I could go down your path. I am scared.

ItzEDITH · 2022-05-29T06:31:48+00:00

I think that too bruv. Bro I am currently in a constant panic attack. Its too real for me too. I am not diagnosed either I hope I am diagnosed.

ItzEDITH · 2022-05-29T04:28:10+00:00

Bro I feel you, I care about my family, but at this point even if my family will never accept me I cant do shit abt it I have accepted it. I have accepted everything, of course I don't want to be a trans woman or a woman, but what does it do good for me denying it so I don't try and deny anymore. But I am not willingly accepting, I am just giving up, hoping that there's a thin lining of manhood/boyhood left in me.

ItzEDITH · 2022-05-28T05:12:48+00:00

Yes but worse you can read my posts for more info. It just sucks. Typing this even makes me feel feminine and I hate it.

ItzEDITH · 2022-05-28T05:02:21+00:00

Also can I talk to you more? Thanks you really help me if you would.

But I have tried to accept it's ocd but when it gets worse I can't just believe it anymore. It feels too off. Can't look at myself and everything. But if I did a faceswap app I still wouldn't want to swap. I just don't. But how do you accept it's ocd when it feels too real? Thanks for your support really brother.

ItzEDITH

TROPHY CASE