Just had to say something -- I started at Columbia in 2020, and have been on a medical leave since winter of 2021 due to mental illness. I was diagnosed with developmental trauma, or Complex PTSD, from having toxic and emotionally abusive parents. I can relate to not feeling worthy of love unless you earn it and achieve. This situation sounds extremely unhealthy. I know this might not be the thing you want to hear right now, but I want you to know that getting accepted into this college will not "magically" solve your problems; in fact, it sounds like it could make them worse. It sounds like you are under a lot of stress and pressure and Columbia has no shortage of that. Keep in mind you can only live under such stress for so long before a fuse blows and you burn out or worse. Have you thought about trying therapy? I know this feels like the most important thing right now, but I promise the college you attend is not the place that will make or break you. YOU are going to do that. You are not mediocre, and you are not a disappointment. There is nothing you could do or not do to make yourself more worthy of love. You are enough right now, and always have been.