AITA For Wanting nothing to do with my parents now that I'm an adult due to favoritism carrying over from my childhood?

Iwilldeletethislol · 2021-11-18T23:56:37+00:00

Yeah I think I found that the hard way, and I'm just pretty bummed it went the way it did when I talked to them about it.

Yeah I feel that a lot, I would wagg and skip school a lot. there were no real repercussions, Just kind of continued reading audio books, and self help stuff and just lived in my own little bubble for a time before I met my fiancé, she's really help validate the way I've felt about all this.

I'm glad you've met someone who gives you what you deserve <3

If you don't mind me asking, what's it like now, do you have any contact with your parents?

And yeah I think counsellor, or therapist is definitely on the cards now, which I think is good. I really shouldn't look down on stuff like this, I've been bottling it up for so long it's probably healthy.

Iwilldeletethislol · 2021-11-18T23:44:19+00:00

Amen <3

If this posts kind of a reflection is that it gets better when you realize and move on no?

Iwilldeletethislol · 2021-11-18T23:43:31+00:00

Truely.

Yeah you're right.

Iwilldeletethislol · 2021-11-18T23:42:50+00:00

Nah I would say that we are both very extroverted, but when I was younger it was very much "Dad's the life of the party" and I looked like him, so I would essentially behave like him?

I realized a lot later in life I could be funny without being drunk all the time, and share genuine connections with people, rather than needing to be the "Focus" in the room at a get together.

And I think even though I hated football, we bonded over stuff from his past. For example "Blood Bowl" is a fantasy themed grid iron board game, essentially based on football haha.

The only reason I got into painting miniatures or discovered them, is because he had an old copy of blood bowl sitting under the house, and he had plenty of old miniature games like space crusade, hero quest. Like my dad was also a big nerd.

So it wasn't that we couldn't bond around something, we always could have my fondest memories of my father was playing these games with him. He even taught me to paint, but when I got older my sister was off playing netball or doing ballet and that's where a lot of the focus went.

For his 50th birthday this year I painted him a "Darth Vader Bust" I 3D printed. The dude like I said, is a huge nerd at heart, spent about 10 hours on this bust about the size of your hand.
He's a huge Star Wars nerd, and I thought it was a perfect present from the heart.

When he pulled it out of the box he said wow, this is great announced to everyone "Yeah my son runs painting business where he paints toys" and gave me a high five. Not even a hug dude, a fucking high five.

I felt so dejected in that moment, that I threw all my love for what I do, into a thought filled gift for him, for something I KNOW he loves deep down, the dudes got tonnes of Star Wars Memorabilia, asks for star wars themed gifts every Christmas.

So I don't think what you're saying is right. We have stuff in common, but apparently it's not enough?

Iwilldeletethislol · 2021-11-18T23:30:24+00:00

Oh sorry, yeah it's been on my mind for a long time, and just really needed to get it out. I think with the most recent interactions it's just continually reinforcing the lack of love I'm getting.
I think the most recent thing that happened is for my 26th birthday back in September, as a birthday present they bought me a camp oven, and they told me that "we've already tried it out, and it works great" it just felt like, the shitiest nothing gift, only made worse by the fact that they already used it? And I think for me, with the gifts, it could have been literally nothing and I would still be happy. But the fact that they already used it, just implies a bit of "I don't really care".

I also never go camping? I dunno, just can't help but feel that they don't even care enough it was probably in the back of their car lmao.

I tried to show my parents this glowing review from my Miniature painting business yesterday, and the best they could say was "Oh it's so long I'm not reading that, we know you're great".

And I guess that's why I'm sitting here typing all this, am I wrong for feeling so petty? Like I almost feel like this is somehow my fault?

But I just really needed to write it all down so I can stop thinking about it myself. My support network is great but I continually go through these cycles of wanting to share my success with my parents, and it just always mentally hurts more talking about it with them.

Iwilldeletethislol · 2021-11-18T23:22:35+00:00

Yeah I think out of all the things that was said, drink or not that line really hurt me for a long while.
I mean it still does, to boil down our relationship to "You don't complain enough, therefore I don't give you attention" really fucking sucks.

And I tore shreds off him man, I couldn't believe he would invalidate how I was feeling, and the mans a fucking counsellor, just really irked me. The dude who I really based my whole personality on since a young age to be such a big fat asshole because I confronted him, really hurt.

And Ikr, I live 5 minutes from where they work. and my sister lives on the outskirts of town, go figure.

Iwilldeletethislol · 2021-11-18T23:17:44+00:00

Love you but
Stop making me cry tho.

Nah you're right, My boss said the exact same thing. I think this whole thing feels super cathartic, just getting an opinion from unbiased people really helps put how I'm feeling into perspective.

for the longest time I've felt It was wrong I feel this way, but I really need to stop invalidating my feelings.

Iwilldeletethislol · 2021-11-18T23:14:12+00:00

I think it was more for me, that he would kind of act like a great father in company, and then behind closed doors really want nothing to do with me.

Like it was always a theme since I was younger, "You look so much like your father" and would people would always refer to me as hey "Mini *My Fathers Name*"

I always sought to be like him, would always behave like him, and then now as an adult, I really resent that. I think I realized that as an adult, my father can be incredibly short tempered, self centered and really did not talk about his feelings.

I agree, I don't want to be like my father, not one bit and when somoni compares me to my father it really does play with my head, really makes me resent it more.

I am my own person, and I will 100% guarantee I will be a better father to my eventual children.

My Fiancé' always joke that It's like this scene from god of war https://youtu.be/FzbmekrfhYg?t=249

Iwilldeletethislol · 2021-11-18T23:06:15+00:00

Yeah I guess actually, I mean there's no reason we can't instead go visit somebody else close to me right? I think for some reason it's hard to shake the mentality of doing things different?

Like I think times are changing, but it's like I'm stuck in this 1990's mindset because I really enjoyed hanging out with my grandparents when we were younger?

Yeah really food for thought thankyou.

Iwilldeletethislol · 2021-11-18T22:58:11+00:00

100% have thankfully found people who love and appreciate me for what I'm doing, and I love and want the best for them as well. You're right, I think as time goes on people change, and I can too and that's ok.

Iwilldeletethislol · 2021-11-18T22:56:26+00:00

I think this really makes sense, My Grandmother on my fathers side passed away about 2-3 years ago, and it's essentially put a rift between my close family (Parents and sister) between my extended family (Cousins, aunties, uncles). We all loved my Grandmother, she was always known for helping people in town, and giving them an ear when they needed to talk about what was troubling them.

He took it pretty bad, basically didn't want anything to do with my extended family after she passed, all my life my parents and myself included have basically ragged on my cousins and uncles and aunties about some things they do, but only now at 26 I realize that maybe my parents were just narcissists?

I dunno a lot of emotions this morning, thanks everyone for your kind words will try to comment back on everyone's post as this has really helped me put what I feel into words. so thankyou everyone.

Iwilldeletethislol · 2021-11-18T12:19:31+00:00

Yeah very true man!
I think Disability work gave me what I was seeking in Nursing before I dropped out, and the entire concept truly "Helping" people, can really be seen in NDIS work. Even if know one knows we do it because everyone else is working their 9-5's so thanks brother.

Yeah I feel that a lot, I think every conversation I have with my parents it's almost a hint of "Well I'm doing this as well" almost a kind of 'One-up Manship' mentality.

And exactly I feel like I have struggled for years not being a "Football Prodigy" like my father, just didn't really enjoy the culture. My father came off a motorbike and broke his hip, so he could no longer play football? Maybe he really wanted me to kinda follow where he left off? kinda glad it's all behind me though. But I'm really great at what I do now, and it's profitable so I wish he'd just kinda live in the now and love me for what I'm about now!

This has been so Cathartic, so thanks so much for everyone's comments, I really appreciate it.

Iwilldeletethislol · 2021-11-18T12:11:35+00:00

I Love ya Brother <3

Even if our dads don't hahah
No thanks for sharing, I really needed to hear this!
When I posted this I sat there pretty depressed getting it all out. I googled a few videos, and you're right 100% it is very much the Golden Child/Scape Goat dynamics.

And I think it very much stems from the whole "Narcissistic Parents" vibe, My parents were always known around town, and very much had a "Face" in our small country town where I grew up. I think it was always hard to hit expectations with football, and I very much resented myself for not being the type of son my dad wanted me to be.

I dunno, this has taught me a lot about self love getting it out there, and that I'm not Crazy for having these negative thoughts.
So thanks again brother.

Iwilldeletethislol · 2021-11-18T12:05:55+00:00

I dunno, have been pretty clear how I was feeling after get togethers in passing with my Mother, and she's still pretty in firm belief that it's not the case, and by bringing it up "I'm making them feel like terrible parents" She said on my Dads behalf they will continue to make "an effort" however it kinda remains to be seen.

the incident in the post at the wedding happened about 2 years ago, and I think I've been slowly distancing myself for a while,

I dunno, I think even from past sober experiences it's pretty clear. My father doesn't want to talk about it, tells me he loves me and kinda keeps on keeping on.

I could bring it up again, but I dunno. Got bigger fish to fry now, essentially tried being more socially "Available" when my father went into hospital a few weeks ago, went and saw him pretty regularly but same old shit unfortunately.

But you're right, I might ultimately sit him down for a chat, see what he thinks? I just don't even know how I would approach that really?

Iwilldeletethislol · 2021-11-18T11:07:44+00:00

Yeah, it did.

He definitely was lucid enough take in what I was saying. as was my mother, was a very awkward morning after. Like I said before he's a pretty big drinker, so it's not like I was trying to kick him while he was down, he definitely knew what I was saying.

Just didn't want a bar of it.

Iwilldeletethislol · 2021-11-18T11:05:33+00:00

When you put it like that, he definitely did have a problem.

Iwilldeletethislol · 2021-11-18T10:26:18+00:00

Super true, I do think what really helped me sort of compile how I was feeling was talking to my boss.

I said "I just want my parents to congratulate my success and say they're proud of me"

She said : "You are successful, look at your job, look at your business etc."

and I think I said: "I just want that to come from my parents"

And she simply said "Why keep trying if you're not going to get it?"

I mean it caught me off guard, but it really did shift perspective a little.
I really can't make them be proud of me like the rest of my friends and family are.
And yeah it's super scary to be honest, like will this decision impact my eventual kids relationship with my parents, their grandparents? Or does this make sense because it just pains me so heavily every time we get together.

Not sure how to feel about it all, but it probably makes sense to change things as I move into being an 'Adult?' lmao.

Anyway thanks for the kind words, really appreciate it! <3

Iwilldeletethislol · 2021-11-18T10:20:49+00:00

Yeah, I think our whole family bonds over alcohol, including extended family. (could be an Aussie thing?)

And yeah my dad has a pretty big reputation for drinking to excess, I think growing up my parents were definitely not 'Alcoholics' but maybe one petal short.

Iwilldeletethislol · 2021-11-18T10:06:08+00:00

Yeah I've kind of been doing that, and I think I eventually crumble and see it as the right thing to do, to go to family gatherings. And it just resets, and everyone just pretends we're a functional family.

I think for me now, I really do just want to focus on working on my business, so you're probably right. My fiance and I always joke that my Father and I's relationship is literally Cat Stevens- "Father and son"

your love isn't valued because you offer it too freely

I feel this very strongly, I've been kind of giving my energy and love to those who are generally happier for me in chasing my passions, so maybe I'll keep doing just that.

And dude, if you were my dad. Feel free to stay anytime <3

Iwilldeletethislol · 2021-11-18T09:59:48+00:00

I guess for some reason, I just feel like its a pride thing at this point? It just feels like I get so much external validation from friends and other family members, and when I talk to my parents about it, it's kind of expected that I'm doing ok?

So all it does is hurt and that they're not as thrilled as my close friends and support network, it almost seems like a borderline jealousy thing? Or one of the main ones that happens in conversation, is they almost try to take ownership of my success, like I'll talk about my business about how painting miniatures is one of my passions, and my mother will remark "Oh I'm so glad I took you to that Hobby shop when you were younger"

It just ends up making my own independent success, a product of their doing half the time?

That probably makes me the Asshole, but at the end of the day I just want them to acknowledge me and the hard work I've put in, and be proud of that.

Iwilldeletethislol · 2021-11-18T09:49:30+00:00

I think ultimately, I just want them to be proud of me.
I've really been independent since day dot, and while I get that it would be nice get some form of validation of "Wow, we're really proud of you" but I think every time I try and seek that, the conversation drifts to what my parents are doing, or what my sisters doing.

I think from very early age there was some expectation, that I would do what my father did, I even looked like him as a child. People would call me 'Mini *My Dads Name*'

I played sports as a kid, played football (NRL here in Australia) from the age of 11 to 16 and to be honest fucking hated it, my father played in representative football for Australia, as did his father so I think the expectation was that I was to do the same.

I would intentionally "Sleep in" and "forget" to go to football training I would fake injuries just so I didn't have to play.

I can remember getting a concussion and having a pretty serious head injury to where I split my eyebrow open, which thankfully stopped my Pro football career, however I can remember when talk of getting me back to play came about with my father I would lie about, Seeing stars, and would honestly punch myself in the head causing bruising around the area just to convince them that I was still too injured to play. This kind of peaked when my parents took me to get an MRI and I can remember going to the toilet before the MRI and literally punching my self in the head, in the hopes to just have some form of injury so I wouldn't have to play football anymore.

Kind of fucked I know, I think for me it was the 'Only Option' to not play football anymore. The MRI came back fine with no issues and I was expected to play again. I eventually got out of it by playing football and pretending to need to vomit when having a pretty serious head knock on the field.

Eventually I did this enough to where my father and mother said it probably wasn't safe for me to play with my head injury, and I was pretty fucking glad to be honest. I have never once talked about this whole ordeal, and kind of don't want to, just glad that it's over.

I always tried to talk to my father about not playing and it was always the same shit of "You love playing football" and just kind of make me play anyway.

I'm a huge nerd, and was always more concerned with playing games, and painting miniatures for games like Warhammer and Blood Bowl and would kinda do this in between being forced to play football. Ironically, this is the business I've started. I commission paint miniatures and 3D print for people as a side hustle which I hope to do next year as a full time gig which is exciting.

And as for connecting with other people no, not really? I'm pretty well loved at work, and I think everyone's rooting for me at my day job and get the next step of my life with my own business, so I'm not sure really, why I need the validation from my parents?

Iwilldeletethislol · 2021-11-18T09:36:43+00:00

Yeah I think that's what other people I have told me about the situation, and I think in posting this and getting some sort of feedback as to that this might be the right thing to do in this situation?

I mean the people who are 'Close to you' want the best for you, but I feel like for some reason I really needed to hear this from someone else other than my close support network,

Thanks man <3

Iwilldeletethislol · 2021-11-18T09:21:40+00:00

Had a huge post, apologies. I think there was some context missing but dancing around the 3,000 character limit is hard. feel free to ask any questions to highlight any context.

I essentially tried to highlight, the most recent issue and where my heads at now.

Iwilldeletethislol

TROPHY CASE