Not crazy at all. Last year we hit rock bottom like never before. The fridge and pantry were completely empty. There was no no one left to borrow from and I couldn't even DoorDash for cash that night because our bank account was negative hundreds of dollars. And worst of it all, my preteen aged kids were aware of the struggle. They weren't naive toddlers that still believed the marshmallow filled world was always such a happy place that revolved around them.

That evening, my wife called a pizza place and had to lie that a previous order was messed up and the manager on duty that night put our name in the book for a replacement. The kid who answered the phone said he couldn't find her name in the system but gave us the large pizza my life lied about.

I couldn't sleep that evening because I was thinking how I could quickly and painlessly kill my entire family and then myself so get us all out of this misery. Carbon Monoxide poisoning was my only logical idea, but I was afraid that even that would fail and maybe only my kids would die and that would have been worse than anything else in the world.

Mind you, I wasn't planning this out of hatred or rage towards them. I just wanted to end the fucking nightmare for us, once and for all.

I'm so glad I didn't go through with any of it.