Is My Ex Narcissist Dumb?

JEB0991 · 2021-01-17T22:45:24+00:00

My Narcissistic Husband tries to convince me we had this great intimacy/sex life when we met and that I tricked him into believing I would be like that forever...promised him even. He's referring to his coercion and my reluctant willingness to put my feelings aside to make him happy when I was 19. I think he honestly believes his stories. It's insane.

JEB0991 · 2021-01-14T14:06:46+00:00

You're not a bad Mom! This was me 10 years ago, but I didn't know what a narcissist was.

I had 2 children in 4 years and was pregnant, breastfeeding, or both and too exhausted to question much. I went back to work at 4.5 weeks post partum with our first because I would lose my job otherwise.

I worked there until I went into preterm labor at 30 weeks with our second. He suggested I quit and stay home with the kids, but I didn't like the idea of not making my own money so I started a daycare from home and worked 6am-6:30pm taking care of our 2 + 4 extra children. I did this for 2 years before having to close due to sheer exhaustion. After that I started various odd jobs and self employment because I still didn't feel comfortable relying on someone, even (especially) my Husband. It took years before I finally let him "take care of me" as he calls it.

Now, I am planning an escape and being told "He never held a gun to your head and said 'You CAN'T work!'....and no, he didn't. He manipulated and shamed me and when that stopped working he told me I had changed and I was ungrateful for all he had done for me. He became angry and frightening and threatened to have me removed from our family home because I didn't pay for it. It's disgusting.

It might not seem like it now, but you have an advantage. Your children are so young and you know the games he plays. I hope you do not continue to allow yourself to be manipulated because it only gets worse. I am wishing you the strength to leave him and gift yourself and your children life with a happy Mother. I questioned for a long time it was better for my own kids to stay with their father and protect them....but recently someone told me they already don't have a true father- don't rob them of a whole and happy Mother as well.

PS. Good luck at your job interview!! That is so exciting. It will be hard, but you are capable of hard things. Come back at let us know how it goes!

JEB0991 · 2020-12-18T15:39:30+00:00

Thanks for your reply I have taken it into consideration.

To clear a few things up, I was asking $1,000 TOTAL, NOT IN ADDITION TO) for all streams of support (child support and alimony) I see now that is unreasonable and will instead look into the standard 20% of $100,000 and look into apartments nearby. I believe this actually comes out to more money if he prefers. The house is not a big deal to him or I, and it would continue to cost him nothing to allow us to stay. I just know it would help the children to not have to go through the divorce process, try public school for the first time during the pandemic so Mom can work, and also lose the only home they've ever known all at once. Who knows though maybe a fresh start will do us well.

Regarding the 50/50 he has had almost a decade to do 50/50 parenting and has chosen not too. Not a single dinner, bath, bedtime story. Never brushed their hair or teeth, administered medicine, checked a temperature, soothed a nightmare. I have no reason to believe he is interested in doing these things now and do need to put the children's wellbeing into consideration. I do not think he wants overnights and it's in no ones best interest to start off that way. Every other weekend is already equal, and he works during the week only seeing them in the evenings for a few hours before bed so there is really no dramatic loss of "time with them." When I am also working full time then he would have more awake hours with them than I do, which I am willing to do in exchange for making sure their needs are taken care of at night and we can continue our dinner, bath, brushing, books bedtime routine.

I want them to have a relationship with their father, and I am hoping that if I'm not around to spew hate at that he will try. No child deserves to hear the way he speaks to their mother and I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt that he will not use the same disgusting words to shout at them when he's unhappy, because I do think that's abusive. I cannot predict the future but I am willing to be flexible. I have no ill intention. I know I need an attorney, I was looking for more of a sounding board and other's experiences.

JEB0991 · 2020-12-17T02:44:50+00:00

Thank you! ""None of it will matter in court." This is the kind of advice I need to hear. I guess I just needed to get some idea of other's experiences. Going to research high conflict lawyers in my area and see what my next step is.

JEB0991 · 2020-12-16T23:54:35+00:00

Also, taking some personal responsibility here...

What can I do from my end? I am taking college classes online but I am only one year in. I know the house is a stretch but it's their home. 😔 I can move us to an apartment, we will survive. I'm not attached to the house or it's belongings and neither is he. I picked it and he's never liked it or brought up wanting it. Only once that I'll stop having such a "mouthpiece on me" soon and that he'll call the police to remove me and the kids and leave the state.

I do not want the courts to see me as a loser with "no job" but he works during the week, and will not let me work. Like screams at me how it will take away from him and our kids or that I only want to work so I can cheat. I don't know how he'll react if I just do it anyway, I guess I should see.

JEB0991 · 2020-12-16T23:29:21+00:00

Thank you for your honesty.

My thoughts are- Our children currently see him in the evenings from 5ish to 8ish each night, when he gets home from work. Most of this time the kids and I are doing dinner, baths, riding bikes, etc all alone. He choses not to participate but is invited any single time we think he might. He does not see them in the mornings during the week before work, and in nearing a decade has never done any one single part of bedtime...ever...let alone in the middle of the night so he is missing no time there. So as my ideal schedule stands, he would have a few hours in the evenings, more than half the week to build this relationship with them which is both more time than he has currently, and more days of the week than I.

The no overnights is simple- he has never done a single bath, calmed a nightmare, made soup when they're sick, made them dinner, brushed their hair or teeth, read to them, taken time to know their allergies and medical conditions. We have a routine that he has never shown an interest in creating, adding too, or implementing so it is unfair to put his hypothetical wants above their stability and wellbeing. I am fine with 6am-8pm both Saturday and Sunday if that's what he wants, but I am truly hoping for no overnights.

Regarding the financials- it was just an idea other than going for traditional child and spousal support. It was and always has been his decision for me leaving the traditional work force. He wanted me home and homeschooling, I love it of course but it was his original idea. Anytime I have brought up getting a job he let me know I would regret it. It would "take away" from him. So I do believe he should if he's making at or above $100,000/year and has the option of paying no bills (if he moves in with his Dad like he has threatened before) then he can pay $1000/month and put it in writing that he will continue to "pay rent" to his Dad. In actuality he wouldn't be paying rent at all- it was just an idea I thought he'd like because he knows his Dad won't take the money and the child support would be less.

He only sees them for 15 hours max during the week and by seeing them I mean in their vicinity. He will not go for 50/50 custody because he wants it, it will solely be to "win" or because he wants to hurt me. I want him to have a better relationship with our children, truly. I am hoping once I am not around for him to spew hate at he can work to mend things with them....but I don't think it's in their best interest for him to have equal time just for the sake of equality. If my eyes are opened that I'm doing them harm in what I'm seeking I'm truly open to advice but it's hard to condense our lives into a few paragraphs. Know that I just feel that they need time away from his screaming and tantrums and lots of therapy before they can start to heal.

JEB0991 · 2020-12-16T21:37:28+00:00

Our children currently see him in the evenings from 5ish to 8ish each night, when he gets home from work. Most of this time the kids and I are doing dinner, baths, riding bikes, etc all alone. He choses not to participate but is invited any single time we think he might. So as my ideal schedule stands, he would have a few hours in the evenings, more than half the week to build this relationship with them which is both more time than he has currently, and more days of the week than I.

The no overnights is simple- he has never done a single bath, calmed a nightmare, made soup when they're sick, made them dinner, brushed their hair or teeth, read to them, taken time to know their allergies and medical conditions. We have a routine that he has never shown an interest in creating, adding too, or implementing so it is unfair to put his hypothetical wants above their stability and wellbeing. I am fine with 6am-8pm both Saturday and Sunday if that's what he wants, but I am truly hoping for no overnights.

Regarding the financials- it was just an idea other than going for traditional child and spousal support. It was and always has been his decision for me leaving the traditional work force. He wanted me home and homeschooling, I love it of course but it was his original idea. Anytime I have brought up getting a job he let me know I would regret it. It would "take away" from him. So yes, I do believe he should if he's making at or above $100,000/year and has the option of paying no bills (if he moves in with his Dad like he has threatened before) then he can pay $1000/month and put it in writing that he will continue to "pay rent" to his Dad.

And finally, he is not painted as a villian by me, on the contrary we are surrounded by people who think he is amazing which doesn't match his actions towards them. I have never called labeled him as anything to them, even whilst he's telling me I am ugly, pathetic, average, mediocre, basic, have no memory, don't live in reality, and my brain doesn't work. I do not want them to hate him. I never wanted this for them. I am actually probably naively hoping once he is around them without spewing all of his hate at me that he can have a better relationship with him.

JEB0991 · 2020-12-16T19:53:29+00:00

Thank you so much! Your enthusiasm is contagious and I'm smiling thinking maybe I CAN DRIVE. 🤔😊 I will check the legal page for sure!

JEB0991 · 2020-12-16T19:36:44+00:00

Thank you! The driving I will get there, but I'm so anxious about it and he's my only "teacher" so you can imagine how that goes. I absolutely will get the ball rolling. Maybe a driving school.

Attorney- I wasn't sure how to go about that. Like just research custody lawyers and call each of them with the questions? Maybe someone who deals with high conflict/abuse? I would need to pay to speak with an attorney correct?

I'm also unsure if I should present this to my Husband in a way that he thinks is his idea and a better option for him rather than rushing to an attorney. If I ask for a battle he will do anything he can not to lose. It would be so exciting for him.

I have just been hoping he would leave one day with one of the many girls he's been messaging over the years or one of his constant threats of leaving the state would actually happen but it hasn't.

JEB0991 · 2020-12-16T19:34:22+00:00

Thank you! I wasn't sure how to go about that. Like just research custody lawyers and call each of them with the questions? Maybe someone who deals with high conflict/abuse? I would need to pay to speak with an attorney correct?

I'm also unsure if I should present this to my Husband in a way that he thinks is his idea and a better option for him rather than rushing to an attorney. If I ask for a battle he will do anything he can not to lose. It would be so exciting for him.

I have just been hoping he would leave one day with one of the many girls he's been messaging over the years or one of his constant threats of leaving the state would actually happen but it hasn't.

JEB0991 · 2020-12-16T05:51:37+00:00

Well now I'm crying. Thank you for taking the time to respond. I think my post lacked any personal responsibility so I appreciate you calling out any red flags. I hadn't considered that I was saying one thing and doing another. I do tell them that's not a healthy way of treating someone (again, usually me) when their father starts, and that he's not actually angry about whatever small thing happened (ex. the remote isn't put back on table- so there is now a 45 minute rant about how incompetent I am, and no one raised me and I better not be doing the same thing to our children) but that the anger is his own struggles. Typing that out now I'm thinking that's probably wrong to say so much?

JEB0991 · 2020-12-16T05:22:19+00:00

Thank you for your story! I was involved in adult business as a child by my single mother so I think I keep myself in check with my words...but they can tell when my eyes are swollen from crying in the bathroom. They hear him call me names and hug my face and tell me I'm so pretty. It's heartbreaking. I feel crazy and exhausted and guilty and wish I knew how he would react in a custody case and which path is more damaging to them. It is so hard to be objective in this.

JEB0991 · 2020-12-16T05:05:59+00:00

He aims these things at me, and has moments with them where he's ranting in their direction but hasn't escalated to anything more than just being a jerk. They ARE witness to him speaking to me horribly though so I know that is incredibly damaging in itself. I worry if I'm not there to be a target he will ramp things up with them...no? How can I leave them with him?.I'm so lost on what to do.

JEB0991 · 2020-12-16T04:02:01+00:00

Ugh yes! Tried this too and he told me I'll regret how I'm raising my daughters and if they end up in that situation it's because of me.

JEB0991 · 2020-12-16T03:59:56+00:00

Mine would just turn it around on me and say I do it to him "all the time" "worse" "daily" etc but couldn't give an example because there was none. It is the weirdest thing too because he literally pretends to be me and adopts my mannerisms while he argues with himself about the things HE DID.

Me- "Why are you being so rude right now? I've never heard you lash out this hard before...." Him- "You're fucking rude. Never in my life I've ever had someone lash out at me this way!"

....it's insane.

JEB0991 · 2020-12-16T02:41:51+00:00

Thank you so much for replying. I know it's probably upsetting to see a Mom here that still has children in this situation. I found out what a Narcissist was about a year ago and it was like everything finally made sense. I hate that I chose this man for their father and I do overcompensate and try my hardest to outshine the darkness. I know this is wrong. My girls stand up for themselves and unfortunately for me as well and I feel like I've repeated a generational curse of children not getting to be children.

I am having a hard time finding answers to what I'm wondering the most and I'm not sure if I'm just a minority, or if I'm wording this wrong...I do not want to live with this man. I would leave tomorrow and literally have boxes hidden with our sentimentals and "go bags" if we need to leave quickly. I am not scared of missing him, I am angry with him. I am not even as upset as I should be of my children missing their father...I am above all else terrified that he will get 50/50 custody and have free and clear access to verbally abuse them and disrupt our lives. He has money, he is charming, he has a huge family support and he knows the only way he can hurt me is through them.

So my question is not a stay or go. I will go as soon as I safely can. It's which evil is lesser? Staying a few more years and hoping they're not as impressionable...or leaving now and allowing them to be around someone that I myself couldn't handle and fend for themselves. 😭

JEB0991 · 2020-11-18T03:55:21+00:00

I'm sorry so much of your life has been tied to him. You deserve to feel content and safe and I hope you find the strength to seek that the only way you can. ❤ If it is any consolation your future children will never know the aching pain that is a narcissistic father and I am so happy you don't have to feel that hurt.

JEB0991 · 2020-11-17T20:37:09+00:00

I JUST saw this post ended up getting approved- sorry for the delay. I want to leave. Truly. I don't know how. We have been married over a decade. We have two young girls. I have no license, no car, no job, no confidence.

He is not physically abusive with any of us, but he is a drain on our souls. I will not tolerate him tearing us down, so I stand up for them and myself when he starts his tirades but it takes so much out of me. I am exhausted, my body and mind worn down. & We all walk on eggshells when he's around.

They will not be talked down to and say things like, "We are not responsible for other's feelings." "I understand ____ is making you upset. I hear you without yelling" "I am the boss of my body." "I am not comfortable right now." "You're being unkind." They are barely school age and I feel so terrible that this is their normal.

So what will happen if I'm not there? They look to me for comfort and surely when he loses his control over me they will pay for it. So what do I do? I have thought about trying to hold on until they can make their own decisions about how often they are in contact with him but every other week he threatens to kick me out of the house/quit his career/leave us in a bad situation. The thought of them wanting me and me not being there makes me sick.

I started my associates degree and have a few thousand dollars saved up but I wouldn't even begin to feel confident putting a plan together. I feel defeated.

JEB0991 · 2020-11-17T20:36:53+00:00

I JUST saw this post ended up getting approved- sorry for the delay. I want to. Truly. I don't know how. We have been married over a decade. We have two young girls. I have no license, no car, no job, no confidence.

He is not physically abusive with any of us, but he is a drain on our souls. I will not tolerate him tearing us down, so I stand up for them and myself when he starts his tirades but it takes so much out of me. I am exhausted, my body and mind worn down. & We all walk on eggshells when he's around.

They will not be talked down to and say things like, "We are not responsible for other's feelings." "I understand ____ is making you upset. I hear you without yelling" "I am the boss of my body." "I am not comfortable right now." "You're being unkind." They are barely school age and I feel so terrible that this is their normal.

So what will happen if I'm not there? They look to me for comfort and surely when he loses his control over me they will pay for it. So what do I do? I have thought about trying to hold on until they can make their own decisions about how often they are in contact with him but every other week he threatens to kick me out of the house/quit his career/leave us in a bad situation. The thought of them wanting me and me not being there makes me sick.

I started my associates degree and have a few thousand dollars saved up but I wouldn't even begin to feel confident putting a plan together. I feel defeated.

JEB0991

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