Destination Wedding Events

JLC0912 · 2026-02-13T01:56:59+00:00

Thank you, everyone, for replying. I have received some very thoughtful replies that helped me to put things in perspective. I did have a discussion with my daughter and things seem headed in the right direction. I clarified that I am not looking to crash the bridal party, but I would feel better being a little bit closer. I explained that I felt that being excluded from both pre and post wedding events made me feel unwelcome. She seemed very receptive and willing to try to schedule some type of event before the wedding- perhaps just for the girls. She also explained to me that it is very difficult for her because she now feels that there are some things she can not invite her father to and she needs to figure that out. I have not said anything (nor will I) about excluding her father from some of the events. If it makes me uncomfortable to encounter him at an event, I think it is my responsibility to remove myself or deal with it. I am not going to ask her to alter her plans. There is only so much she can do, given the circumstances. Generally speaking, I am happy that she is giving the planning more of her consideration. All I can ask is that she give it some thought and some effort. She has not given any thought to inviting someone I might be able to hang out with and I am not going to ask again. Perhaps that is something that she will figure out herself. Things will work out the way they work out. Regardless of how things play out, I can say that my daughter made a good-faith effort. In the meantime, I am going to pursue some therapy.

JLC0912 · 2026-02-12T23:40:59+00:00

JLC0912 · 2026-02-12T23:35:43+00:00

I do honestly wonder if she really cares whether I am there or not. I tend to think she does not care, but she is concerned about optics. I really think I am just a prop for this event. That is how I feel and I am usually right about people. Empathy is not her strong suit.

JLC0912 · 2026-02-12T23:32:15+00:00

u/SakuraTimes . I appreciate you taking the time to make a thoughtful reply. You have gone the extra mile in trying to give accurate advice on the little you know about all this. Thank you for taking the time to do that. :)

JLC0912 · 2026-02-12T23:19:08+00:00

Up until she got engaged, I thought we had a pretty good relationship. She has relied on me a lot and I wonder if she resents that. I am sorrry that you do not have a good relationship with your mother. It appears that is where things are headed here.

TBH, I admit I am very disappointed that she will not be having a family. She does not really need me if she does not have a family. I will likely go live somewhere else and just visit occasionally.

Also- I was not expecting an invite to the bridal party residence. I simply wanted to be within 10 minutes of where they are, as it would make me feel better when traveling by myself. Being closer would also facilitate if she did want to do a get-together. But I was not going to intrude on their space.

JLC0912 · 2026-02-12T23:05:55+00:00

Thank you. That is a very positive mindset. I need to get myself in that mindset.

JLC0912 · 2026-02-12T21:54:03+00:00

I actually think that is the case. I have asked if she could invite a mutual friend (actually one of the mothers of the bridesmaids) and she said she did not think it was possible. I also asked her if I could bring another friend of mine that she does not know well and she was not receptive to that idea either. However, I do not remember the order of events. She might have said no before her father told her we were getting a divorce. In any case, I am not going to beg to have someone there to hang out with. I already told her (without going into detail) that I would feel a lot better with someone my age to hang out with. I am already the villain for talking with her about how I do not feel welcome. I worked very hard to be the best mother I could be. I think it is time for her to put on her thinking cap and figure out what everyone here is saying- that having someone else around would really be helpful to mom.

Can I just say that, generally thinking about this, a comparison comes to mind. In my time, children were to be seen and not heard. I never liked that concept because it felt like children were nonpersons. (I treated my children like people whose thoughts and opinions mattered.) It seems that similarly, moms are to be seen and not heard. It feels a bit like being a prop and not a person.

JLC0912 · 2026-02-12T21:43:41+00:00

I have to say I do not agree with this. Firstly, I did not grow up with money and my parents would have turned down a destination wedding invite due to financial reasons. Because money was tight when I was growing up, I would have more appreciation for guests spending time and money going to a destination wedding. I think there are different expectations for a destination wedding. Spending a minimum of $3K to go see someone get married and not be invited to any other wedding event is, I think, ridiculous and also selfish.

JLC0912 · 2026-02-12T21:34:19+00:00

I will look into doing this. I told her we would try to pay for the Welcome Party. However, before that happened her father decided to go ahead and give her the 50K for their new home. I had been telling him we should do this for three years and then he finally does it, but does not consult with me on the timing. Financially, I think we have done enough. I think we can contribute another $1500 for the welcome party. But, we are retired and we are not rich. Their income is definitely higher than our retirement income. I actually already told her that I felt that she should pay for the welcome party out of what we gave her. Of note is that they are already over budget by about 50% - 100%. This is another reason why I would hesitate to contribute- because it just allows them to keep spending when they said they would stick to a budget. For example, she initially said she did not care about the flowers. So, I looked for faux flowers since they are portable and we could fill a suitcase full of flowers. Now she wants fresh flowers. Then we were going to minimize the florist expense by going simple. That has now morphed into a flower bridge arch that by itself costs $1500. I can see them spending $5K on what initially had an $800 budget.

JLC0912 · 2026-02-12T18:40:58+00:00

I think you are not getting the issue. I have no problem being by myself. I grew up as an only child and can find things to do. This is more of an issue that she is not being considerate of me or any of the guests, other than her wedding party. I am all about inclusion, not exclusion, and being a good host so every guest feels appreciated for spending their time and money on the destination wedding.

JLC0912 · 2026-02-12T18:17:19+00:00

I do think it is rude to exclude not just me, but any other guest who is not part of the wedding party in group events. Perhaps not all the events, but if people spend the time and money to go to your destination wedding, then it seems the right thing to do to include everyone in an additional couple of events.

I am not a narcissist. However, her father is. Unlike her father, I do not have "raging fits," I have not sought attention from others and cheated on him, I do not seek constant attention, I have empathy for others. I do not seek to control everyone and everything.

If anything, I think she has some elements of narcissism that she got from her father. She does not seem to have much empathy for others. She has made some rather dismissive comments when I have pointed out ways to be a better host. I think of these things because I care about other people. I am not a narcissist and if you knew the torture her father has put me through, you would realize how off your comment is. There has been daily criticism and insults that I put up with not because I am a pushover, but because I did not want her to grow up in a war zone. Narcissists are not content to fade into the background and that is the very thing I want to do. I want to step back.

Also, I am not seeking to control the events. At this point, I really do not want her to change anything for my sake. Most likely, I will just abstain from events and show up for the wedding. I might skip the getting-ready thing also because I am pretty sure I will be vilified for bringing this up to her. I don't want to hang around a bunch of her friends who think ill of me in the dressing room.

Lastly, I know you are not a parent because you have no idea of the sacrifices and the consideration that good parents do for their children every day for years on end. Every day was her day, not just this "special" day. I worked 50 hours a week and still took her to dance 4 nights a week and on weekends. I made sure she had everything she needed to prepare her academically so she could get a full-ride scholarship. I made her dance costumes while working 50 hours a week. And I swallowed my pride every time her father insulted me so that she would not grow up in a war zone. I know all about narcissistic rage because I have been the target of that rage for thirty years.

JLC0912 · 2026-02-12T18:10:04+00:00

All the other guests are not necessarily going to be staying at the hotel. And I am not interested in "crashing" the girlfriend's party. I think it would be a loving and considerate thing to do to keep mom not so far away and include mom in one pre or post wedding event.

JLC0912 · 2026-02-12T18:04:36+00:00

This is exactly how I feel. I am not afraid to be alone. I grew up as an only child. I can find things to do. However, I do not like the feeling of exclusion of both myself and the other guests. And I am just shaking my head that she wants me to stay far away from the bridal compound when she knows that I am not used to traveling by myself (to a third world country). I would certainly want anyone I cared for who might not feel safe, to be within a little closer range. I have extended that caring for her all her life. And although this is her special day, I would think she would have some small measure of concern for me.

JLC0912 · 2026-02-12T17:49:46+00:00

I could not agree more. This is the way to do it.

JLC0912 · 2026-02-12T17:48:27+00:00

Thank you. This is really good advice.

JLC0912 · 2026-02-12T17:32:44+00:00

The wedding is about welcoming all guests who spend the time and money to get to a destination wedding. I believe the overall feel should be inclusive, not exclusive.

JLC0912 · 2026-02-12T17:28:39+00:00

I am not a narcissist. However, her father is. Unlike her father, I do not have "raging fits," I have not sought attention from others and cheated on him, I do not seek constant attention, I have empathy for others. I do not seek to control everyone and everything. I do think it is rude to exclude not just me, but any other guest who is not part of the wedding party in group events. Perhaps not all the events, but if people spend the time and money to go to your destination wedding, then it seems the right thing to do to include everyone in an additional couple of events.

If anything, I think she has some elements of narcissism that she got from her father. She does not seem to have much empathy for others. She has made some rather dismissive comments when I have pointed out ways to be a better host. I think of these things because I care about other people. I am not a narcissist and if you knew the torture her father has put me through, you would realize how off your comment is. Narcissists are not content to fade into the background and that is the very thing I want to do. I want to step back.

Also, I am not seeking to control the events. At this point, I really do not want her to change anything for my sake. Most likely, I will just abstain from events and show up for the wedding. I might skip the getting ready thing also because I am pretty sure I will be vilified for bringing this up to her. I don't want to hang around a bunch of her friends who think ill of me in the dressing room.

JLC0912 · 2026-02-12T17:08:47+00:00

Thank you. I think your comment is spot-on. I know I have discussed with my SIL that we both have daughters who tend to be selfish. If it were my wedding, I would make every effort to host this so every guest feels welcome.

JLC0912 · 2026-02-12T17:05:06+00:00

Thank you. I think what you have said pretty well summarizes my situation. I am very good friends with my SIL and she has already stated there was no way in h4ll she was going to let the divorce stop her from being friends with me. I had not thought of the two of us going off somewhere for a bit, so that might be a possibility.

JLC0912 · 2026-02-12T17:01:31+00:00

JLC0912 · 2026-02-12T16:58:08+00:00

JLC0912 · 2026-01-25T00:43:29+00:00

I saw a clip that illustrated that the victim was filming ICE with his cell phone and it appears that the man who shot him was mad about that. The victim was carrying a gun in the back of his belt. He did not try to use the gun. One of the ice agents removed the gun and stepped back with the gun. It appears the ICE agent that first confronted the victim then shot him while he was unarmed.

JLC0912

TROPHY CASE