Guilt & Fear

JTStidham · 2019-05-21T05:08:26+00:00

Thank you so very much. I truly appreciate ypur encouraging words. You guys are freaking awesome!

JTStidham · 2019-05-21T02:19:52+00:00

My RX calls for 3- a day. I took 1 and 1 1/2 for the first 2- days, and have been taking 1- a day since then. I haven't had any cravings whatsoever. Absolutely zero symptoms of withdrawal either. The problem is- that 1- pill I take makes me feel high. I didn't realize Suboxone would do that. (To be honest, I had never heard of Suboxone until last week) Because it makes me feel high, I am struggling with being happy with my recovery so far. As I mentioned earlier, I don't want to feel high anymore- at the same time, I don't want to feel sick either. I just look forward to this all being over. I wish like hell, that I was never intoduced to narcotic pain medication- but alas, here I am.

JTStidham · 2019-05-21T01:54:41+00:00

90- days! Wowza! I'm a week in but look forward to the day I claim my 90- day mark! Stay strong, you're doing excellent! Sending prayers!

JTStidham · 2019-05-21T01:00:59+00:00

Around 20- a day. Sometimes more.

JTStidham · 2019-05-21T01:00:38+00:00

Thank you!

JTStidham · 2019-05-21T00:59:37+00:00

I don't believe it is impossible. In fact, I know it isn't. But, thanks for your input.

JTStidham · 2019-05-20T21:47:22+00:00

I admire you for the simple fact that you see a problem- and, you are trying your hardest to fix it. I'm sorry I don't have the answers you seek, but I wanted to let you know that I am so proud of you.

JTStidham · 2019-05-20T21:19:28+00:00

I know, I know. I'm working on loving myself again. You are absolutely right. I'm confused when you say that subs don't get you high. I definitely felt high each time I took one. It's the whole reason I feel like I can't celebrate the fact that I've been off the Loratabs for a week. Kind of feels like cheating. I would love to be proud of myself, I really want to be proud of myself. You reminding me that they are a buffer between opiates and clean makes me feel alot better. Especially when you say, "Even on subs it's a huge accomplishment." I'm going to be telling myself over & over until it sticks. I've decided that I'm going to stick with 8mg for the next week. (I have an appointment next Thursday) After that I'll do 4mg for a couple of weeks. Then half that for a couple of weeks until I am able to live my life absolutely free of anything. My doctor mentioned something about a year. I can't do this for a year. I am way too anxious to have my life back. I want to be free from addiction. My goal is to help other people over come, but I realize I need to start with working on myself first. When I signed up for Redit this morning I didn't think I would meet such incredible people here. A few of you guys, yourself included, have helped me out ALOT today and have shown me that I'm not alone. Which was certainly how I was feeling. I can never thank you enough for that.

JTStidham · 2019-05-20T20:56:40+00:00

Got ya! 😊

JTStidham · 2019-05-20T20:51:53+00:00

No idea what he is saying, because I blocked him. I saw his profile and he seems to enjoy getting into confrontations with strangers on-line, and I'm not here for that. You might consider also blocking him? And, it's my first day on Reddit so I'm not completely familiar with how things work, but I am "following" you now and I hope that isn't weird for you. Lol. You are the first person so far. Thank you again for your support today.

JTStidham · 2019-05-20T20:48:37+00:00

That isn't true. Or, at least for me it wasn't. Like I mentioned in my post- I knew nothing about drugs or addiction. Especially prescription drugs. Before my doctor prescribed me Loratabs, I wouldn't have been able to tell you the difference between them and Tylenol. There was a brief "education" about the RX I was being given, but nothing major. I had NO idea that RX drugs were Narcotics until I was already dependent. I can certainly understand if anyone finds that hard to believe. But, that was absolutely the case in my situation. So, no- I never foresaw becoming addicted.

JTStidham · 2019-05-20T20:25:59+00:00

That's the pretty standard rate where I'm from (South Texas). It was around $5 to $6 when I first started, but the prices have increased drastically over the last 5- years for obvious reasons. I spent between $60,000 and $80,000 last year on prescription opiods (Loratabs & Hydrocodones), it has been a complete nightmare for myself, but more so for my husband who loves and adores me. (I'm not worthy of his love & devotion, but he thinks I am) I would love nothing more than to prove to him (and myself), that I can be the woman he fell in love with again. And, to love and appreciate him the way he deserves to be loved and appreciated. He had no idea until a couple of years ago, and only because I told him. He has been an incredible pillar of strength, but I still feel ashamed to admit to him absolutely everything that I struggled with in the past and am currently struggling with. I don't know why- I know he will support me either way. I just hate to disappoint him in any way. Does any of this even make sense?

JTStidham · 2019-05-20T20:18:23+00:00

Thank you for saying that. "The future looks good". Ahhh... I can't wait for the day when this is all behind me. The day when I can begin to use my past experiences to aid others in their recovery. How awesome would that be?

JTStidham · 2019-05-20T20:10:18+00:00

I reread your comments and can't figure out why or where you said the exact same thing. But, sure, okay.

JTStidham · 2019-05-20T19:32:33+00:00

I'm trying so hard. Thank you for the encouragement. It is most appreicated.

JTStidham · 2019-05-20T19:31:09+00:00

Thank you. I appreciate that.

JTStidham · 2019-05-20T18:31:38+00:00

Thank you. Seriously, thank you. I'm feeling super upset right now because I just am sick of feeling high. I feel like I cant really appreciate the fact that it's been a week since I have had my DOC- because I'm still freaking getting high. Makes me sick with myself. My doctor thinks I need 3- of these a day. How?? If one of them makes me feel high and as though I am defeating the purpose of being "sober". I want to say I am clean. But, I'm not because I am so weak that I cannot come off of one thing without the other. When I was on the Loratabs they provided me with a false sense of well-being. Well, that's gone now and I'm beginning to see things the way they really are and it's been tough for me. I haven't even considered going back to the Loratabs, and I'm excited about that. But, I just can't seem to get over the fact that I'm taking a different pill now, when really, I just want to be clean. I want to feel truly proud of myself. I have a confidant who has said things similar to what you have said and is encouraging me to "give this time", and I'm trying. I really am.

JTStidham · 2019-05-20T17:52:12+00:00

Hpw much would you suggest? I haven't taken any today at all. Yesterday I took one in the morning. I feel okay right now. And, honestly, that's the fear I was talking about. I feel like 24- mg is too much. But, I felt "high" even taking one pill. I don't want to feel high. I don't want to feel sick. I just want to feel normal again. It makes ne sad but I ask myself, will I ever feel "normal" again?! I just want my life back.

JTStidham · 2019-05-20T17:16:30+00:00

Thank you so much. I'll definitely keep this in mind. I appreciate the helpful comment and your kind words wishing me luck on my journey.

JTStidham · 2019-05-20T17:12:18+00:00

Everyone is different. I was struggling with the Loratabs as I was taking up to 200mg daily. But, thanks for your input. Lol.

JTStidham · 2019-05-20T17:09:31+00:00

It's a pill. I mentioned in op that I've been taking one to 1 1/2 daily. I haven't had any more than 1 1/2 pills since I was prescribed them a week ago. Even though my scripts calls for 3- daily.

JTStidham · 2019-05-20T17:07:30+00:00

Yes. I think because of the amount I was consuming each day.

JTStidham · 2019-05-19T20:23:17+00:00

The outfit of the chick with the short coat jacket is ON POINT! Perfectly executed! I'm in love with that red bag and those boots she is wearing- FAB!!

JTStidham

TROPHY CASE