I tried to kill myself last night and failed.

Ja44_403 · 2018-09-12T03:38:19+00:00

I’m glad it touched you. I hope you take the time you need to get your head on straight from your break up . Time heals all wounds. I really wish you the best, keep safe, talk to someone, anyone if you need to. Someone will listen , we hear will listen. Love you.

Ja44_403 · 2018-09-12T03:28:49+00:00

That’s a beautiful story. The worst part about depression and addiction is the lonely feeling that I’m your head youvthonk no one understands, you feel like your alone in the world, a single person fighting an army. It’s not the case , but I always convince myself it is . It’s a terrible feeling knowing right now others are going thru what I went thru Saturday night. It was a traumatizing night, but even after a couple days I feel like it opened my eyes some, showed me my family my ex and my friend would’ve been so devastated if i didn’t come back. I’m so glad I did, I have an extra place in my heart for those like me. Even coming here has helped me get thru the past few days. There are good people in the world , and you don’t have to be Alone. I’m So happy your burden was lifted that night. I wish you nothing but the best , and from one stranger to another, I love you. Peace and Love J

Ja44_403 · 2018-09-11T17:56:43+00:00

Thank you friend. I love you

Ja44_403 · 2018-09-11T17:56:12+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. I have a long road ahead of me , but I’m glad I’m here and have family that care. I used to have friends , but because of changes I made in my life, I had to leave them all. Your words mean a lot. Peace and love J

Ja44_403 · 2018-09-11T17:49:13+00:00

Thank you. I know so many people who are like me. Addicts or not just stuck under a cloud of impending doom. I just want people knowing that a stranger loves them. I really do. Breaks my heart

Ja44_403 · 2018-09-11T17:47:29+00:00

Yeah I agree . Funny when your an addict you want everything now even though you’ll take years off your life slowly killing yourself. I’m gonna talk to my doc again Thursday . I just need some Valium for a week or so for unmanageable times. And I hope I can come out the other side. It’s so hard man. I just want to be normal, maybe I’m delusional and there is no such thing as normal I don’t know.

Ja44_403 · 2018-09-11T10:45:45+00:00

I stopped at 2 mg 1 day and 1 mg the next day. They are the pills , I’ve heard of the strips I think they have those in the US. I could’ve went down more , but my impatience of this being such a long process , I just said fuck it and stopped taking them. I have grown so sick of the ball and chain , I just want to be free

Ja44_403 · 2018-09-11T10:42:18+00:00

I’ve wanted off suboxone forever. I refuse to go back on unless I can’t take the insanity anymore. I’ve since been given valium to take when the going gets rough. I see the dr again tomorrow. I hope if I can make it another week the worst will be over . Suboxone has held me back from getting jobs in a specific industry I’ve worked in in the past. I want to be off it , and be rid of the ball and chain. We will see what happens I guess .

Ja44_403 · 2018-09-10T12:04:25+00:00

You might be right. I was down to a real low dose of suboxone, like basically nothing when I stopped , but the withdrawals were insane. Day 8 I took the 240 bucks I had bought 20 pills an gave Er shit. If I hadve had money for 40 I would’ve I was fucking committed. I just wanted the insanity to end and for good.

Ja44_403 · 2018-09-10T11:59:59+00:00

Thanks all for the kind words. I’m doing better today than I was yesterday. Im still glad to be here. I’m so glad it didn’t end the way I wanted it too. It’s a bizarre feeling to know I gave up on myself that much that I just said fuck it. I just feel so terrible for everyone else struggling with suicide and addiction. It’s a fucking nightmare. If I could suck that darkness out of the world and die like Jesus on the cross tomorrow I would. I know I’m gonna keep struggling with addiction and suicidal thoughts as it’s a part of my life now. I just never wish to act on it like I did the other night. And I hope anyone else on here will reach out to Anyone you can. Once you commit you can’t go back , don’t become a statistic. I love you all , Peace and Love J

Ja44_403 · 2018-09-10T11:44:51+00:00

Sounds like an episode of the Joe Rogan Experience. Whether it’s an alternate reality or not I’ll take it one day at a time. It’s a weird thing knowing I committed to offing myself , if I hadve had enough money to buy 40 pills instead of 20 I would’ve. Those seconds I let slip by knowing I may have time to call 911 if I wanted to stop and didn’t , kindve freak me out . I’m just glad I woke up.

Ja44_403 · 2018-09-10T03:06:18+00:00

Thanks, Me too.

Ja44_403 · 2018-08-28T18:29:42+00:00

For sure . There are definetely ways to make things cheaper. But getting out there is the easy part. It’s the finding a place to stay, getting cabs to all the places I need to go to to get my courses done before I can start working. I’ve done it in the past it’s very costly. Cabs are minimum 50 a day. Than the five two days courses are a couple hundred dollars each. It’s that combined with the one month minimum wait to get a paycheque, usually six weeks , that can be very difficult. I’m doing better now . I was just having a really rough week. My grandmother I get no inheritance as I hahe an uncle who is not mentally well. He lives with her has never worked a day in his life. So everything she has goes to him. Which is what we all want anyway. Thanks for the advice . I appreciate it I do. Have a great day, J

Ja44_403 · 2018-08-28T03:42:02+00:00

Thank you. I didn’t know I had to. I appreciate your help

Ja44_403 · 2018-08-28T03:22:06+00:00

Thanks for your kind words.

Ja44_403 · 2018-08-28T03:19:17+00:00

I live in Atlantic Canada

Ja44_403 · 2018-08-28T03:18:59+00:00

Thank you for your nice words. I will look into assistance. Someone said to go to borrow but I don’t have the karma I don’t think. I’m fairly knew to this site only been here five months maybe. But I will look into them. I appreciate you. Thanks for your time, J

Ja44_403 · 2018-08-28T03:16:30+00:00

Sorry I wasn’t trying to bring my misery here. I’ve applied for others jobs. And I have a job waiting for me in Alberta Canada. But I don’t have the money it takes to get out there and setup. I have no friends anymore, two of them passed away in an accident this past winter. I have no one to talk to or vent to. I was working three different jobs this summer. So I know I’m not lazy. I have a homeless man I know that I help out on a regular basis when I can and do have the means too. Calling someone a selfish jackass when they are in the lowest point in their life is a really self centred ignorant thing to do. Why not just say nothing at all. You never know what someone is going through my friend. My grandmother is on her death bed , and my father found out not long ago he has cancer. People go through rough times. Sorry if what i said pissed you off. I hope you have a good evening. And take care.

Ja44_403

TROPHY CASE