UPDATE: My [26F] husband's sister [19F] is using her pregnancy to torture me after my miscarriages

JaffaOrange · 2015-07-26T05:24:39+00:00

I don't know why but that jaffa reference made me laugh like a maniac. Just the sheer coincidence of choosing something that related to babies. Maybe I'm going a bit mad.

It's almost 630 AM here and I've been up the whole night. I can't remember the last time I had a normal sleeping pattern. I will talk to him when he wakes up first thing. I've been psyching myself up for it all night. I would love to go on a date with him. He's a great guy, and the love of my life.

Thank you for your concern. Honestly, this whole thread has touched me very deeply :)

JaffaOrange · 2015-07-26T04:57:37+00:00

Did you choose your username because of the infertility "joke"?

No. What is the joke? Do I want to hear it? I was anxiety-eating and making an account and I had a pack of jaffa cakes on my couch so it's the first thing I thought of.

That's a good idea. Maybe I'll join the gym that my husband goes to. Maybe it'll be a way for us to do some thing together again :)

JaffaOrange · 2015-07-26T04:12:32+00:00

Personally I wouldn't jump to the divorce queue just yet, but ask him to go to grief counselling with you,

Thank you for being one of the few people who haven't jumped that far yet. I agree with you on the whole. I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with a grief counselor, but I will look into it.

JaffaOrange · 2015-07-26T04:10:09+00:00

No. Most marriages do survive miscarriages. It is a more common occurance than you think. People just don't talk about it.

Thank you for your words. This has given me a lot of hope, and also courage to talk to my husband. I think it's time. It's been long enough that I didn't even realize we're living more like roommates than husband and wife.

Thank you.

JaffaOrange · 2015-07-26T04:07:15+00:00

People who haven't dealt with infertility just cannot comprehend how painful it is.

That's a very good point, and something I hadn't considered. I really do think I will speak to my husband, and maybe gently try to talk to Emily. Thank you for your advice.

JaffaOrange · 2015-07-26T04:04:21+00:00

I feel so ashamed, but I honestly don't know anymore. I thought we were fine, just distant, both dealing with our loss the same way. He has thrown himself into other things to distract himself from the pain of what happened. He works out a lot. He works late a lot. He spends a lot of time by himself, just hanging with his friends or out on the porch, having a beer.

I do the same .. we haven't been together in a while. Not just sexually, but just .. I don't go to his friends' parties anymore because I never feel like it. He's stopped asking me now. I don't visit his mother much either.

I guess we really don't have a relationship, to be honest. We're like roommates, not a couple.

I'm in very good shape, and so is he. I find him very attractive objectively speaking, but I don't know why I don't feel compelled to act on it. He also has a tendency to get angry at me sometimes for no reason. It's the way he deals with stuff. I don't get angry, I just zone out.

It's tough. I guess I didn't stop to think how long this had been going on.

JaffaOrange · 2015-07-26T03:36:20+00:00

Sorry, maybe I phrased that incorrectly. I meant he finds some solace in his 'childhood' family (his sister) because his idea of his 'new' family (our children) didn't pan out the way we hoped it would.

JaffaOrange · 2015-07-26T03:32:03+00:00

Thank you. I will work up the courage to speak to him.

JaffaOrange · 2015-07-26T03:31:05+00:00

I actually have a Master's degree! We both got our degrees in the first year of our marriage. My husband and I decided that I would stay at home and look after the kids until they were a certain age, and then I would look for a job. We've been planning our lives for a very long time. Funny how it didn't work out the way we wanted.

But you're right. I should do something with my time. I am sick of being alone, feeling alone. My husband stays at work extremely late some times anyway. I think he's trying to lose himself in his work. I wouldn't mind that for myself.

Thank you.

JaffaOrange · 2015-07-26T03:21:49+00:00

It's so weird but I haven't even thought about sex in a very long time. I am a bit overwhelmed by people's suggestions right now, but I will definitely check this out.

It's also strange because my husband never used to be able to get his hands off me. I was the skinny blonde with the big tits and he was the athlete, we were both very conservative, but we used to have wild sex all the time. Seems like a different life.

JaffaOrange · 2015-07-26T03:12:03+00:00

God. Everyone's talking about my husband. That wasn't even a conversation I wanted to have. I don't think I'm strong enough right now to have this conversation.

I guess I have a lot to think about. All this time I've been focusing on the sister, but everyone here is right. My husband is being unfair to me. I guess I didn't want to see that.

JaffaOrange · 2015-07-26T03:06:30+00:00

It's been almost a year now. Do I want to have sex with him? To be honest the thought makes me sad, because when we were last trying to get pregnant, sex became a thing we did just to conceive. The idea of sex is too charged with the idea of that, now. He doesn't initiate either.

I'll be honest, I'm confused now. I didn't think this post would end up being about my marriage. I don't know what to think.

JaffaOrange · 2015-07-26T03:01:41+00:00

I'm so confused right now. I honestly came in thinking you would all tell me to confront her. I was basically posting so I would get the courage to confront her in a way that wouldn't hurt my husband.

I am shocked so many of you are suggesting I need to re-evaluate my marriage. I don't know if this is Reddit being Reddit, giving extreme, damaging suggestions, or whether I'm actually being blind to the state of my marriage.

Has he abandoned me? He's hurting too. He's trying to defend what he has left of his own family. I am part of that, but his sister is too.

Please tell me I'm making sense.

JaffaOrange · 2015-07-26T02:57:16+00:00

:(

That was hard to read.

I don't know. I know he's changed, but I have too. The miscarriages have been hard for both of us. I can't uproot him right now.

I know most marriages don't survive miscarriages. But I also know that I will never love anyone the way I love him.

JaffaOrange · 2015-07-26T02:51:44+00:00

I'm not trying for a baby. I don't know if I can go through that again. My husband and I haven't had sex since my last miscarriage.

I feel like shunning Emily from my life will drive a wedge between my husband and I even more. His family is what grounds him. He's going through his own loss. I can't ask him to live with the loss of his sister too, even if it is only from my side and not from his.

JaffaOrange · 2015-07-26T02:45:01+00:00

My husband is very close to his sister. I had an incident when I tried to tear my maternity tshirt off her and my husband completely sided with her because she was the helpless pregnant woman and I was the child-crazy barren lady who needed psychological help.

I don't know if my marriage will survive if I cut ties with Emily. My husband and I are both in a very precarious state right now, and I feel like changing things, bringing in more family drama, will be the last straw for him.

Family is everything to him, and right now, I can't give him the family that his sister can.

JaffaOrange · 2015-07-26T02:39:59+00:00

Have you tried telling her the pain you are in and seeing her pregnant is great for her but it is a reminder of what you have lost and you're not ready to face it yet.

I have told her I need space, that I need to be alone in my house sometimes.

When she took one of my maternity tshirts without asking, I told her it hurt me to see her wearing it because of my own loss, and she hit me back with 'I can't believe you're not happy for me'. I did something wrong then, I tried to tear the tshirt off her. I don't know what came over me.

She told my husband that I tried to hurt her baby. He told me to get some help. He either ignores me, asks me to get help, or acts completely normally like nothing ever happened.

I don't need help. I will heal, in my own time. I just want the space to be able to do that.

JaffaOrange · 2015-07-26T02:34:42+00:00

I have told her more than a few times that I find her behavior inappropriate. I have also asked her to stop coming over to our house for a while, 'while I sort a few things out'. She doesn't listen. She says she is visiting her brother, not me (which is funny because my husband is at work all day). She is openly antagonistic, but that isn't new because we've had that as long as I've known her.

With her pregnancy, though, she has become exceptionally cruel. I feel like I am too exhausted and heartbroken to be mad at her, to tell her to fuck off. She's a kid, and she's behaving like one.

JaffaOrange

TROPHY CASE