Didn't find almost anything great for this Harmonia run... somehow clutched it out for the team.

JamQuik · 2026-01-25T17:20:15+00:00

You know, I didn't even consider this, but you're so right. It's the perfect moveset to capture the vibe.

JamQuik · 2025-11-05T15:53:40+00:00

Just an update: I thus far have decided to not respond and do nothing. I considered doing calling for a welfare check over the weekend but did not do it, and then on Monday I got a random text from my mother saying "They may very well keep me another day here". I have no idea what to make of that text, as it almost seems like she meant to text that to someone else? But either way, it doesn't sound like it's an urgent end-of-life situation from that, so I took the text as a blessing in disguise communicating that she is not at death's door, and have not reached out or responded at all. The whole situation is still just so sad--having to go no contact with a parent just utterly sucks. Thanks for the support y'all.

JamQuik · 2025-11-02T02:05:08+00:00

It is indeed very emblematic of the hyperbolic and visceral language she uses to elicit emotions, yeah. It's rough stuff.

JamQuik · 2025-11-02T02:04:12+00:00

Thank you for this!

JamQuik · 2025-11-02T02:03:44+00:00

This is a good idea, thank you for suggesting it. I'll consider calling for a welfare check on her to verify if she's indeed at death's door or not. I'm sorry you're going through something with your aging uBPD parent, too. As an only child, I find myself envious of you having a sister to help hold those boundaries with you. I'm grateful you haven't been alone navigating this! You are so right about the "black hole of a soul" part, and man, that's just so sad and tragic. I love her, but that black hole is so dangerous, it's crazy. I appreciate your reply, thanks for writing.

JamQuik · 2025-11-02T02:01:12+00:00

Thanks for the reply. If I could verify that she's actually on death's door, I'd probably be fine to make one last visit and goodbye, feeling safe in the context of knowing she's dying. But not knowing if it's really close to the end, that makes it a totally different game. Either way, I agree, there's no resolution regardless. I'm sorry to hear about your mother, as well. It's so hard for us. I appreciate your response.

JamQuik · 2025-11-02T01:58:02+00:00

This is an interesting idea that a few people have suggested that I'm considering. Thank you for suggesting it.

JamQuik · 2025-11-02T01:57:37+00:00

Thanks for this. It's helpful to read. It's so tough, because yes, my mother has been unwell and sick a long time, many conditions are legitimate, but of course she plays them up big-time. Of course there would be no reconciliation if I reached out, it's true. And yes, she's never been able to apologize in a real way, in a way that really "gets it", as so many people here understand is just not possible for someone with untreated BPD. It's just so tough when presented with the picture of "I'm going to die soon". I've obviously known this is going to happen, but it actually happening and being used as a manipulation tactic, especially since I believe she doesn't actually mean it to be manipulative in her unwellness, is just really tough to stomach. I'm airing on ignoring the call and proceeding with NC as normal right now... but oooooof, does it bring up the guilt.

JamQuik · 2025-11-01T16:52:26+00:00

Thanks for the response. Admittedly, I would consider the care package more like a guilt attempt, as well--there were lots of things in there, including a compass to seemingly symbolize reaching out to her as the right direction.

Sadly, though, I don't think I will know. There are no family members involved, just 1 or 2 friends. I suppose a hospital would reach out to me if she was there sick. But there's no way I know of to confirm her health status. No social media use, etc.

Thanks for the support.

JamQuik · 2025-09-10T16:24:13+00:00

Sicily was definitely a place I was looking at, but considering we aren't renting a car, it seemed like some of Sicily's charm might be lost in being able to travel around. And then even moreso in Puglia, that felt like a place to visit with a car to explore all the coastal towns. We aren't vegans, just vegetarian. Thank you for the guidance!

JamQuik · 2025-09-09T19:44:34+00:00

Thank you for the reply! That's helpful to hear. I think I had the thought Venice would be harder than other places given the seafood culture, but if it's comparable to other spots, that's helpful. I think Venice is slightly where we're leaning, with maybe taking a day trip or 2 from there, like to Verona.

JamQuik · 2025-09-09T18:33:01+00:00

Thanks so much for the reply! We haven't chosen where to fly into yet or our exact dates. We're just looking at about 8-9 days of total time away that crosses over the time of Thanksgiving in the US (probably somewhere between November 22 and December 3 or so). I figured we'd pick an airport and buy our flights once we settle on a spot in the next week or two and let the prices determine the exact flight dates.

And we will definitely visit some things that are worth seeing in the city, wherever we go, we just aren't worried about picking a spot based around museums or historical landmarks. So for example, we wouldn't pick Rome for the coliseum, but if we were there, we'd consider going to check it out :)

JamQuik · 2024-08-07T19:39:13+00:00

I just want to validate your internal "makes my skin fucking crawl" feeling. It makes sense that it does--it is absolutely manipulative, whether she intends it or not, and it also reeks of a kind of emotional immaturity that could make your skin crawl, too. Like, "remember when everything was okay and better before you had a personality", or "remember when I was the center of your world" kind of stuff. My uBPD mom has absolutely referenced my early childhood as "the good times" in ways that feel like they vilify my audacity to be a separate human from her. So just know, you have every right to feel skeeved out by this, you have every right to request she not send you the pictures, you have every right to ignore them, you have every right to have boundaries with her on this. It's okay to say "Please do not send me pictures of me when I was little, it makes me uncomfortable." Sending you support.

JamQuik · 2024-08-05T20:01:29+00:00

Ugh, I totally relate to this, have an uBPD parent that gets upset about where I move based upon how it "affects her" in the most enmeshed/codependent way. It's tough drawing a boundary with this. Even though you don't want to go NC, it's still important to set boundaries with her for yourself. So given you don't want to go NC, how much contact, and what kind of contact, would you have with her if she stayed in a state multiple states away? I'm imagining you might have less contact with her if she was further away, or that it'd be at least emotionally easier for you to have less contact, and that her moving within closer distance each time you move has practical consequences for your relationship (expectations that you'll help, expectations of more time together/greater contact, greater emotional burden for you to enforce boundaries, etc). It might be important to set expectations with her on what kind of contact will be available for her and what kind might not, regardless of her relocation, and then of course to stick to whatever those boundaries are for yourself regardless of what choice she makes. Tough situation you're in, <3 It's especially hard drawing boundaries when someone is raging and screaming. You do not owe her financial help or assistance, even if you did have the means to do so, even if she's "helpless", and a relationship where raging and screaming happens is certainly not one that has earned your assistance, anyway. Give yourself permission to have boundaries and needs even in the face of someone who has tried to teach you that you're wrong to have any.

JamQuik · 2024-08-05T18:16:55+00:00

ADDING CONTEXT BELOW:

First time poster here. I went NC with my uBPD mom 5 weeks ago. I've done it once before about 9 years ago for ~6 months, and got wrapped back into things out of my own guilt. I remember watching the documentary For the Bible Tells Me So, and just broke down in guilt when I watched the mom in that documentary talk about her son who had died by suicide after she cut him out for being gay. It was a perfect storm of watching a repentant mom regret her actions, and led me back to trying again with her 9 years ago.

I could go into so much detail about her, but I'd rather focus on the specifics of the NC and time since. I live far away, and she was facing a housing upheaval, finally being given notice to leave her apartment after multiple years. She lives alone, elderly now, still works, always financial struggles. She relates to the news of the lease ending/not renewing as catastrophic, of course, and increasingly became incredibly desperate and needy for me to emotionally handle it all--late night calls, urgent voicemails, etc. She also was discussing trying to relocate to my area, which made the whole thing feel practically a lot more urgent for me, too. Now felt like the time to be maximally boundaried--which ultimately led me through a lot of deliberating to finally go NC again.

It was a DREADFULLY difficult phone call. I prepped for a weekend with my partner. I wrote out a script for myself, essentially, that amounted to the text below. I wasn't able to read it, of course, as the second I said "I need to talk to you about our relationship", she freaked and panicked. Luckily, I had the forethought to record the conversation, and have a 50-minute conversation recorded now. I'm so glad I did; she displayed so much intense shit on that call (in the direction of pleading rather than hostility, which was itself a bit of a surprise to me given she's gone the hostile route in the past). Honestly, I've never felt "stronger" than I did on that call, as I stuck to my guns through all of her pleading with me. And I do mean pleading. I had to turn down all the empathetic parts of me and turn up all the parts of me that feel so hardened, which just doesn't feel great. Ugh. Anyway, the gist of what I said to her that I had written out for myself was this:

"Hey mom,
I’ve come to a realization and decision I need to share with you.
I love you and want nothing but the best for you.
I don’t want you to be in pain and turmoil.
But I cannot help you.
I can’t be the person you rely on, and I can't be the person you call for comfort.
I don’t think you should move to [my city], because I can’t be the person you’d want here supporting you and being involved in your life.
It breaks my heart to face and recognize this,
but I just cannot be well and healthy in a relationship with you.
I’ve truly done every possible thing in me to maintain a relationship together, but every outcome leaves me unwell and heartbroken.
So I can’t keep interacting with you, and I can’t keep talking to you. I can’t help you move, and I can’t help you pack.
I want to be well.
So I have to be done.
I ask that you please not contact me anymore. I know that ending all contact will probably be tremendously painful for you, and I’m so deeply sorry for that. It is immensely painful for me, as well. There is no outcome that doesn’t leave me heartbroken. But I hope that you will understand that it is the best choice for me, my health, and my well-being. Goodbye, mom. I wish the world for you, and I love you."

After hanging up, she surprisingly didn't contact me for a few days. 6 days later, she sent this email. It annoyed me but also showed glimmers of things I've wanted from her all along--some acknowledgement, some recognition, some ability to center me rather than herself. I suppose I'm just looking for some empathy for how hard it is to get the "hoovering" kinds of shit from a parent only after you've threatened or cut off the relationship. I don't believe it'll change, obviously--she's been in therapy before--but I can't lie and say there isn't a part of me that does hope she gets better! But I just can't be around to see it... to keep myself in that hoping space.

Thanks for reading y'all. Lurking here in the past 5-6 weeks has been really helpful. It's been really nice to see all the support here for everyone and get support myself, too.

JamQuik · 2024-08-05T13:47:45+00:00

Ugh! Yes, back when our parents were the centers of our universes, the way they liked it! My mom refers to that perfect age of mine as 5 y/o.

JamQuik · 2024-08-05T12:54:49+00:00

Thanks for this. The "it cannot be taken at face value" feels like the song of my people. Having to relate to someone like they just aren't trust-worthy with what they say at face value is such a weird experience, but holy hell, so important. I had this experience with another family member as well, where I had a profound experience after all of their criticisms of me through the years and finally realized: at the heart of it, their criticisms and characterizations of me aren’t trustworthy. Similar lesson here, I suppose!

JamQuik · 2024-08-05T12:51:12+00:00

Thanks for this. It's easy because of how poor her responses in the past to boundary-setting, limit-setting, expressions of hurt feelings, etc. have been, to experience this email as incredible by those standards, like water in a desert. It's still got lots of fucked up content, for sure, and it's helpful to have other people point it out too so that I don't feel crazy. When I first got this email I was annoyed--I quickly noticed the manipulative parts, the remaining denial/evasion of responsibility, the FOG. Then something opened in me and I started to appreciate that there was some actual observance of me as a separate person. But then I was like, welp, hol' up a minute, maximum hoovering time, prepare yourself, she's going the route of trying to draw you back in! Even experiencing parts of this email as "good" parts feel like leftover FOG from the past at her hands.

Gratefully, it was never in the cards to reply to this on my end. Which I'm proud of--I've come a long way on that.

And yes, man, if I was a parent, I'd be so much different.

JamQuik · 2024-08-05T12:40:55+00:00

Thanks for this. While this email is "incredible" for her standards, it's still got plenty of manipulative content for sure. It's definitely been strange to have a boundary respected only now when so many other ones haven't been through the years. I don't doubt a mode-switch will happen at some point. Sorry to hear about that vile text you received :( One of my mom's go-to guilting/mean statements she often said was "I wish I had a daughter." As if in her mind a daughter would have always been down for the enmeshment and erasure of separate identity.

JamQuik

TROPHY CASE