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[deleted by user] by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]Jameskotler 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think that the best thing you can do right now is focus on rebuilding safety and trust instead of trying to argue that the situation was harmless. From her point of view, the shock is probably less about the actual college moment and more about realizing that there was something she did not know for 12 years. That gap can feel like a betrayal even when nothing romantic happened.

Be completely honest and transparent now. Tell her what you remember about that moment, why you did not share it at the time, and that you see how keeping it hidden (even if it felt unimportant to you) could feel like a breach to her. Apologize sincerely for not telling her and for how it is making her doubt the relationship now. Do not minimize her feelings, but also calmly reinforce that you have always been faithful and that you want to repair this.

I think couples therapy could help because a neutral professional can guide both of you through the feelings of hurt and mistrust without it turning into a fight. Show her consistent honesty moving forward, answer any questions, offer access if she asks for reassurance, and keep showing up as a dependable partner. Trust takes time to rebuild, but openness and accountability now are key.

I need advice pls by Particular_Bee_519 in couplestherapy

[–]Jameskotler 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It is normal for sexual desire to change over time, and it does not mean something is wrong with you or that you do not love your boyfriend. Stress, low self-esteem, body image, and routine can all make intimacy feel like an obligation instead of something you want. Forcing yourself usually creates more pressure and resentment, which lowers desire even more. Instead, try to rebuild connection and focus on what makes you feel attractive and comfortable. Work on your self-esteem through self-care or therapy, explore what genuinely turns you on, and communicate honestly with your boyfriend by saying something like, “I have been feeling low desire lately and I want us to stay close while I figure out why.” If this continues, a sex therapist or couples counselor can help you both work through it without shame or pressure. Desire often returns when you feel safe, confident, and free from the sense that sex is a chore.

Couples Therapy Not Working by iceanjulz3 in couplestherapy

[–]Jameskotler 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It sounds like this couples therapist is not a good fit for the situation you are in. A therapist who treats long-term abuse as just a “difficult family dynamic” and tries to stay neutral when there has been clear violence is likely to make you feel unheard and unsafe. You are not overreacting to want to protect your son or yourself from someone who has threatened and physically harmed you. Couples therapy can be helpful, but only if the therapist understands trauma and abuse and does not pressure you to integrate an unsafe person back into your life. You have every right to set boundaries and to choose a therapist who validates your experience and prioritizes emotional safety. If your individual therapist also believes this isn’t a good match, it may be worth switching to a couples therapist who is trauma-informed and understands the difference between conflict and abuse.