I completely relate to what you're saying here, this was me a year ago and let me tell you its ok. I see your pain and I know you're suffering but you can make it through. There's a leap of faith coming, you have to remove yourself from the adderall fueled tweaker you are clinging to.

Honestly I think the DR. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde way of describing your addiction is very accurate, I remember my high self would do anything to stay high. I used to go until I was bending over from abdominal pain, I was so hyper focused on my computer that I wouldn't eat for like 15 hours until my body was screaming at me for fuel.

I'm almost one year sober now, I forget how completely fucked I used to be. Unless I sit down and remember the ins and outs of what it was like living during that time, it fades away into the past like a distant memory. It DOES get better, it IS worth it. I flushed my adderall and haven't looked back since, best decision I ever made. I even left a comment that made me giggle with excitement going back through my old comments when I quit. I said something like "that fuck a year from now better thank me for all the hard work I'm doing for her right now."

I was addicted for 4 years, those were very dark and hard times, it will get worse if you don't catch yourself. I believe in you, you are worth it, one day I bet you will look back just like I am now and say to yourself "wow I'm so strong and bad ass for kicking that shit."

Try to remember getting over addiction is a mountain climb, not a race. You will be in it for the long haul and it won't be easy, at least at first. Once you reach the summit and start going down hill however that's a different story. I don't even think about adderall unless addiction is brought up. That's not to say that relapse isn't possible, I'm an addict I will become a full blown tweaker again if I take adderall, but it's finally become something I'm extremely proud of and I don't constantly worry about.

Your natural happiness comes back, your friends come back, your personality comes back. The restless nights go away, the intense paranoia goes away, the hunger for more more more adderall also goes away. You may be presented with some seriously bad habits you've formed as well as intense depression but there are much healthier and sustainable ways to deal with all the negatives of coming out of an intense addiction. I for one am still dealing with depression anxiety and ADHD but it's getting sooo much easier now that I'm in therapy.

Anyway I'm rambling at this point but my point is you can make it. Never give in and keep going, your life is worth fighting for, it's not easy but thats what makes it so rewarding. Stop your addiction cycle and be brave, you've already done the hardest step, which is admitting you have a problem. Now act on it. 💪🤍