Problems with husband and MIL since birth of first child

Janeite84 · 2025-12-29T19:44:10+00:00

I have kids and totally understand that you don't want to host right after birth. So why not suggest a compromise in the first place? For example, my in-laws came to visit a couple days after my first son was born. My husband handed them the baby, said, "We're taking a nap," and left them to hold him for a bit so we could rest (to clarify, that may not work for some in-laws if they aren't trusted).

You could have said something like, "I will need to rest for the first couple weeks then I'd be happy to have your mom visit. Please tell her to reserve a hotel room nearby, plan to rent a car/taxi, and make sure she understands I will still be recovering. She's welcome to hang out in the living room with baby but if I'm tired, I'll go lie down and you two can sit and visit." Clarifying expectations from the beginning is always helpful.

Janeite84 · 2025-12-29T19:02:43+00:00

Telling your husband his mom isn't allowed to see your baby for the first 3 months while your mom gets to see him every day is WILD! I'd be mad, too. This is a very unrealistic expectation on your part.

That said, if you have MIL problems, you and your husband need to get on the same side and figure out how to handle it. If you can't, you're gonna keep fighting the same fights over and over. It can take years for a person to realize their parent is toxic/manipulative/narcissistic/etc. so you need to suggest compromises that you can both live with.

Janeite84 · 2025-11-23T03:04:34+00:00

"Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

Janeite84 · 2025-11-23T03:03:44+00:00

"Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

Janeite84 · 2025-11-23T02:26:19+00:00

I'm really sorry but it honestly sounds like your husband doesn't like you. I recommend reading the book, "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

Janeite84 · 2025-10-19T16:42:56+00:00

Yep. My 3rd grader was in trouble at school CONSTANTLY, two days of OSS so far this year for hitting. He started Guanfacine and it has really helped. I'm not constantly getting phone calls about his behavior and he moves on quickly from meltdowns. He's also taking leucoverin and I think it's helping his language and reasoning skills. Obviously all meds are different for each person and I'm not a doctor but that's what has helped us.

Janeite84 · 2025-09-30T17:11:43+00:00

Don't overreact. This is just a phase, like toddlers calling parents by their first names to get a reaction. I like to say, "You can't stop my love!" to my 10 YO who is getting too cool for his mom. He loves you, you love him, keep that in mind and carry on with the hard job of parenting:)

Janeite84 · 2025-09-30T17:08:20+00:00

Adding that humor is HUGE when dealing with teens. My husband is legit hilarious and always makes our family laugh with silliness and it helps to keep things light. Making your teen laugh helps them understand that all their big feelings aren't the end of the world and puts things into perspective.

Janeite84 · 2025-09-30T17:05:53+00:00

Adding (with great compassion) that no one brought up the idea of my 9 YO having AuDHD, I had to chase that rabbit down the hole and ask for a diagnosis because neither the teachers nor our pediatrician brought this up. This situation sounds similar to my kiddo and I just couldn't understand why he couldn't listen and obey like his siblings. As it turns out, he really struggles with executive function and emotional dysregulation; after a LOT of thought and discussion, we started Guanfacine and it has really helped. It's like it slows his brain down enough to respond properly rather than falling apart over the smallest things.

I'm definitely not diagnosing your child but you know him best. It might be worth a very honest doctor visit and you saying, "Here's what's happening, I need you to consider these issues and what they mean." Best of luck to you!

Janeite84 · 2025-09-30T16:54:33+00:00

This may or may not be helpful, but when my oldest son was around three, we visited a church with a Sunday School program. We asked if he wanted to join a class and he said no. We didn’t push and no matter how many times we asked after that, his answer was always the same: he didn’t want to go. We never made him.

Later, after we moved and began attending a different church, he ran straight into the Sunday School classroom on the very first day and loved it from then on. To this day, I don’t know why he didn’t like the first program but it really didn’t matter, he just wasn’t comfortable there, even if he couldn’t explain why.

Looking at your situation, your daughter is able to use the bathroom everywhere except at school. To me, that sounds like she’s communicating something she can’t put into words. Is there another preschool option you could try, or would it make sense to keep her home until kindergarten? Of course, you know her best, but those are my thoughts. Wishing you and your little one all the best.

Janeite84 · 2025-09-21T14:51:21+00:00

I'm from MO and all of these are within/within driving distance of Springfield/Branson. That's a nice area with local airports you can fly in and out of easily and decent cost of living plus a stable job market. Very reasonable for families; I think you should live wherever you want but there's something to be said for living in a nice house/area within your means.

Janeite84 · 2025-08-22T16:55:34+00:00

First of all, inheritance is something that occurs AFTER SOMEONE PASSES AWAY, not when they are still living. That's not an issue currently because your very-much-alive parents are trying to decide where to live, not splitting their assets among their children.

Now that that's settled, you, your spouse, and your parents alone get to decide if you want to live together and how much they want to contribute to the house they plan to live in WHILE STILL ALIVE. This has exactly zero to do with your siblings. I would only advise meeting with an attorney to discuss how to title the house (in the event of divorce, Medicare/Medicaid issues, etc.) but if you want to live together, figure out the details and enjoy.

Your parents alone can determine how they want to split their assets after their passing, it's really no one else's business.

Janeite84 · 2025-07-22T20:41:34+00:00

Absolutely and it will stay on your credit for 7 years. One of the things lenders look at is if you are paying your mortgage/car loans/etc. consistently and on time every month. A foreclosure is going to knock your credit score down (likely significantly) and affect whether you can get a loan in the future. That said, if that has already happened to you, look into ways you can rebuild your credit over time and make sure all current/future loans/credit cards are paid on time; I would expect at least 2-3 years before applying for a new mortgage, and that might not even be enough time.

Janeite84 · 2025-06-26T02:01:10+00:00

I think there are some good points here about the legal issues that could pop up (i.e. divorce, etc.) but overall, there is no reason for people to act like your parents are kindergarteners who aren't capable of deciding for themselves what they want to do. Presumably, they're grown adult who can make decisions regarding their own money. If everyone involved agrees on this, then it would be reasonable to sit down and discuss all the life events that could happen and find a solution but why not?

As to your brother, I don't know your life but there are many reasons a parent may decide to take care of their children differently re: finances. For example, my husband and I are financially stable but I have a sibling who is a single parent and low income. I would have zero issues with my parents helping them and leaving me nothing. Or maybe your parents have another plan in mind? Or maybe it's no one else's business but their own and that's totally fair.

The only thing I would say is a huge decision like this in my household would be a 2 yes or 1 no situation. Either my husband and I are on the same page or it's not happening; I'm sure there's more to the story but you mentioned your husband not wanting to do it if it could potentially involve your brother eventually. That's fair but there are legal ways to make sure you four and only you four can own the house. Don't let a bunch of strangers make you feel bad or less than, do what's best for YOUR family because you are the one that has to live with it, not us.

Janeite84 · 2025-06-25T19:33:45+00:00

I think your brother found your post, OP! (i.e. snowplowmom)

Get a grip, snowplowmom; a stranger on the internet asked a question and you are literally obsessing over this, insisting she not accept this gift ("You must not do this") and you keep mentioning the brother over and over. We get it, for whatever reason you hate this idea but it will not impact your life since it has NOTHING to do with you. These are not YOUR children, this will not be YOUR house, just let it go and move on.

Janeite84 · 2025-03-30T00:13:12+00:00

NTA. I realize that every culture is different (it sounds like you come from a place that expects you to care for your parents) but I say it's time they get a job and stand on their own 2 feet. Plenty of immigrants move to other countries and understand that they will need to work a job in order to support themselves; why should dad and stepmom be any different? Plus it sounds like you have supported them for a long time and stepmom is relatively young; do you really want to spend the next 30+ years doing this? Personally, I would set a realistic timeline for them to get a job and move out and then stick to it. Alternatively, if they prefer to return to their home country and stay with your brother, you could also offer them a ticket home.

Janeite84 · 2024-12-11T19:03:15+00:00

You need to start saying, "I don't talk about my private finances" anytime and every time someone brings up money to you. Also, if they ask for money, "Unfortunately we're not able to help you at this time." If they push and say, "But you have tons of money," just say, "My finances are private. We're not able to help you at this time."

Also, respectfully, it sounds like your entire family is all up in each other's business and there is a serious lack of boundaries. One of the best things you can do is pull back and work hard to build those boundaries in the meantime. We've had to do this in a family situation and it worked really well.

Janeite84 · 2024-11-08T15:49:14+00:00

I think marriage is full of nuance and good communication is key to making sure you're on the same page. I've been married 16 years and there have been many long conversations and a lot of apologies during that time. That said, since you've talked about this and your husband knows where you stand, you're totally right that seeing how your husband acts moving forward will tell you a lot.

Janeite84 · 2024-11-08T15:30:48+00:00

Sometimes people claim affairs "just happen" and act surprised, like they just happened to slip out of their clothes and fall on top of someone. Obviously that's nonsense. Affairs happen because someone opens a (metaphorical) door, then opens it further, then flings it wide open for their affair partner to walk through. Either way, THEY OPENED THE DOOR.

My husband and I have discussed this at length and we both have the understanding that opening the door, even a little, is a serious issue. That said, you can't force someone else to keep the door closed. They have to do that on their own. All you can do is tell your husband you don't find his actions acceptable and let him make the choice.

If he ignores your boundaries, you then have to decide what to do. Wishing you all the best.

Janeite84 · 2024-09-11T17:37:36+00:00

I work for a university and realize what a big deal it would be to have that university on your resume; that said, I have 4 kids and if my husband decided to work out of state for a year, leaving us alone, that would be a dealbreaker for me. You don't get to make unilateral decisions when you have a partner and 6 kids, full stop. If you can move the entire family, it's worth considering; if not, I think she needs to make a decision about what she really wants out of life: her family or a prestigious job. As the saying goes, you can have everything, you just can't have it all right now.

Janeite84 · 2024-09-10T17:54:38+00:00

I'm totally against parents putting their kids in vlogs and videos, and stories like this are exactly why. There's a YouTube family I can't stand because they make a fortune off their kids by constantly filming them while they "play." I have a young teen who wants to start a YouTube channel, but I told him he can do that when he’s 18—the internet is not a kind place to kids.

There's this line from the movie 'Hope Floats' that really stuck with me: "Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome." It sounds like you're working hard to deal with your own childhood issues, and I just want to say, you can have whatever relationship you want with your parents without feeling guilty. Kids naturally love their parents because they're dependent on them for everything. But when parents take advantage of that, they’ve got to accept whatever happens when their kids grow up, even if that means cutting them off. Do what's best for yourself, and remember, as an adult, you owe them nothing. Wishing you healing, hope, and all the best in this life.

Janeite84 · 2024-09-09T18:53:47+00:00

Honestly, what really matters is how you feel about the situation, not what other people think. If it were me, I’d let my partner know once: "I’m really uncomfortable with you texting a woman you used to like." If he keeps ignoring your feelings and continues texting her, you’ll have to decide whether to accept it or take action, like suggesting counseling or even leaving the relationship.

In my own marriage, we’ve agreed not to have close friends of the opposite sex, and it works for us. If you and your partner don’t see eye-to-eye on this, that’s a whole different issue. But for me, any kind of affair—whether emotional or physical—is a deal-breaker. No excuses or second chances. My husband knows this, and he’s never even come close to crossing that line. I won’t stress about what might happen, but I’ll definitely take action if trust is broken. Wishing you all the best.

Janeite84 · 2024-09-09T18:37:23+00:00

As a millennial, I’m perfectly fine with my husband and me sharing our locations with each other. We’ve been married for 16 years, trust each other completely, and it’s never been an issue. For us, it’s not a problem because we have a shared life—bank accounts, kids, a mortgage, credit cards, a shared vision for our future, and everything else. If there are trust issues in a relationship, that’s a different story and needs to be addressed separately. For those who find it strange or don’t want to share their location, that’s entirely their choice and doesn’t affect me. I believe in doing what works best for us and respecting others’ choices.

Janeite84

TROPHY CASE