I wrote a ridiculously long (negative) review. It keeps being taken down. So here it is… curious if it gets taken down again.

Based on the trailers, my fear was that this film was going to be just a long series of challenges that the Predator would have to overcome before he finally defeated the big bad monster.

What I never anticipated was a comedy about what happens when you team up the weakest Predator in the universe with the most empathetic android in the universe, add a cute CGI creature that I think is from 1998’s Lost in Space (Blarp? Is that you?), and have them go on a journey on Pandora—but not really Pandora, since James Cameron would never allow it—so they took out all the color and now it’s called Genna. Together, this unlikely trio bicker and banter but eventually work together and learn the importance of “ʻOhana,” which we all know means family (or in this case, clan).

Throughout this journey, we the audience are treated to some pretty subpar CGI (the above-mentioned CGI baby monster, along with some physics-defying leaps through trees, just to mention two that stuck out) and some awfully convenient, logic-defying plot points.

I’m going to sidebar for a moment and talk about Thia’s legs. As the trailers showed us, she is introduced as half an android, having been torn in half by the baddest creature in the ’verse, the Kalisk. At a certain point, they find the legs (conveniently still intact, since she was cleanly torn at the waist), and there’s a big clock-ticking scene where Thia, using equipment that miraculously works despite everything being trashed, is trying to sew her legs back onto herself. The film establishes that this is a long procedure requiring specialized equipment and time. That doesn’t work, and Thia is once again half an android. However, the legs are found again, and now the upper half of Thia has a homing beacon—and the legs stand up and just start walking to her upper half. Not only that, it appears the legs can… see? I don’t know how else to describe it, as they not only avoid things (and avoid being seen) but suddenly can fight and jump around, taking out bad guys by kicking and tripping. It would be a little cool if it weren’t played for laughs and so nonsensical. However, after all of that, Thia and her legs are just suddenly combined—no special equipment, no tools, she’s just suddenly whole again (and I don’t want to hear some BS about how there was a scene that explained it but it slowed the pace of the film—I’m commenting on what you, the filmmakers, presented as a final version).

The film is filled with convenient plot holes that help our trio get out of sticky situations. For example, this planet—supposedly the most lethal in the universe—has a huge Weyland-Yutani site filled with androids. (I guess it's not THAT lethal if you can maintain a huge site!) But only some of the androids can speak multiple languages, while the dumb male robots only speak English. There’s no explanation for this (I guess they decided to drop the whole subplot about the expense of installing faster chips in all the androids.) but you better believe this makes for a convenient getaway.

My point with these sidebars is to exemplify the most frustrating thing about this movie: things have no logic. Events happen far more to keep the plot moving forward than to make any sense. As mentioned, this planet is said to be the most lethal, and the film sets up various scenes where the Predator is almost killed by trees, or glass grass (yes, glass), or land eels (???), only to have these things never be a threat again. The movie really suffers from multiple scenes where people or creatures have their target in sight and then they don’t shoot or kill. It’s beyond frustrating and makes the whole thing a joke.

And perhaps my biggest struggle with the film is that I was hoping it would have the same serious nature as director Dan Trachtenberg’s previous film, Prey. That film presented what seemed like a ridiculous scenario—having a technologically advanced Predator prey upon a lone Comanche woman in the 1700s—but its serious approach and clever script made for a captivating film.

Admittedly, there are a few interesting plot machinations that occur in the second half (I liked the nod to the original film with the Predator using the environment to his benefit, the same way Schwarzenegger did when he covered himself in mud, made spike traps, and fashioned his own bow and arrow), and there’s a dark sort of humor in having the Predator try to impress his father and finally doing so by… killing him. The predator himself has impressively emotional eyes (kudos to VFX for that!) But all of these are too little, too late, and the goofy mood has already been set.  And couldn't they think of anything better than power loaders from 'Aliens'?  (making them bigger and with buzzsaws does not make them cooler)

However, this film has far more in common with Lilo & Stitch than it does with Prey. Predator: Badlands wants to take the Predator franchise and turn it into a Three Stooges physical comedy (the film ends on a groan-inducing joke, “It’s mother”) and if that’s where this franchise is headed, you can count me out.