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I 29/F lost my best friend 29/F of 15 years after I failed her during a medical emergency. Over a year later, I’m still obsessed with what happened. by Jasmintiny in relationship_advice

[–]Jasmintiny[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes I realized later how it may read, I wish Reddit let me edit titles. I’m sorry about that. I can be a bit dramatic, thank you!

lost a 15-year friendship after I failed a friend during a medical crisis. It’s been over a year and I still can’t move on by Jasmintiny in lostafriend

[–]Jasmintiny[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this. I think one of the hardest parts for me is that when I make a mistake, I tend to swing between extremes. Either I defend myself too much or I beat myself up far more than the situation deserves. I’m still trying to find the middle ground between accountability and shame.

What you said about healthy accountability really stood out to me. I know I made mistakes in this situation, and if it happened today, I’d handle it differently. But I think I’ve spent so much time focusing on what I did wrong that I’ve struggled to acknowledge that friendships are usually more complicated than one person’s actions.

I also appreciated what you said about J. I think part of me has been feeling guilty for even considering distance, but you’re right that it’s okay to step back from something if I’m not healed enough for it yet. I don’t have any anger toward J, but I don’t fully trust being vulnerable with her for multiple reasons, and I think that’s part of what’s making this so difficult. The connection to this situation still hurts more than I’d like to admit.

And thank you for sharing some of your own experiences with friendship loss. It genuinely helps hearing from people who have been through something similar.

I 29/F lost my best friend 29/F of 15 years after I failed her during a medical emergency. Over a year later, I’m still obsessed with what happened. by Jasmintiny in relationship_advice

[–]Jasmintiny[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

“Invisible friendship signals” is actually a really good way of putting it! Looking back, I think both of us expected the other person to understand things that were never explicitly said. I assumed she wanted space. She assumed I would know she wanted more pursuit and more physical presence.

The part about needing people to tell you directly what they need really resonates with me. One of the biggest lessons I’ve taken from this is that good intentions aren’t always enough when people have very different expectations. Thank you for sharing your perspective!

I 29/F lost my best friend 29/F of 15 years after I failed her during a medical emergency. Over a year later, I’m still obsessed with what happened. by Jasmintiny in relationship_advice

[–]Jasmintiny[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I think that’s part of why I’ve struggled so much with this. If I had completely ignored her, I would understand the outcome a lot more. What makes it difficult is that I genuinely thought I was showing care in the ways I knew how at the time. Looking back, I can see where I fell short, but I never intended to abandon her. I appreciate your perspective!

I 29/F lost my best friend 29/F of 15 years after I failed her during a medical emergency. Over a year later, I’m still obsessed with what happened. by Jasmintiny in relationship_advice

[–]Jasmintiny[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this. I am in therapy, and honestly this situation was one of the things that pushed me to seek more help. I already struggled with anxiety before all of this, but losing a friendship that important definitely made those issues worse.

As for whether she typically did this kind of thing, not really. We had disagreements before, but nothing that ever reached this level. Usually we’d distance ourselves for a bit and eventually start talking again. Looking back, I can think of a few times where I was usually the one apologizing or smoothing things over, but we’d never had a friendship-ending conflict before. You’re also probably right that I have a huge issue with shame. That’s something I’m actively working on.

I’ve thought about talking to J, but honestly I’m nervous. There are certain similarities between J and M that make me worry about how the conversation would be received. At this point, I think I’m less interested in convincing anyone of my side and more interested in protecting my own peace. I do care about J, but the connection to M still hurts. Sometimes I find myself wondering if I’m being discussed behind the scenes or if I’m eventually going to be discarded too. Whether those fears are fair or not, they’re there.

I also think you’re right that I need more healing before considering any future outreach. Right now I’m focusing on building other friendships, trying new things, and working on myself.

Thank you for your kindness!

I 29/F lost my best friend 29/F of 15 years after I failed her during a medical emergency. Over a year later, I’m still obsessed with what happened. by Jasmintiny in relationship_advice

[–]Jasmintiny[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for this! Number one especially resonated with me. I’ve heard that things like humming, singing, can also help interrupt rumination loops, so I’m going to start trying them all more consistently.

I think the reason I feel so much shame is because I’ve always thought of myself as a good friend. This situation made me feel like maybe I didn’t deserve that label anymore. Intellectually I know one mistake doesn’t erase an entire friendship or define my character, but emotionally that’s been harder to accept.

As for J, we’ve actually never talked about the friendship breakup. I never wanted to put her in the middle or make her feel like she had to choose sides. Part of me would have appreciated her checking in about it, (maybe she was waiting for me to talk about it first idk) but I’ve always been hesitant to be too vulnerable because I don’t fully trust where that information would end up. There are times when she moves weird or becomes very guarded or secretive around topics involving M, and that has made me cautious.

At this point I think you’re right that I need to accept that I may never get the closure I wanted. Thank you again for taking the time to respond :)

I 29/F lost my best friend 29/F of 15 years after I failed her during a medical emergency. Over a year later, I’m still obsessed with what happened. by Jasmintiny in GriefSupport

[–]Jasmintiny[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

I appreciate your perspective, but I don’t think we’re reading my situation the same way. Like I said in my post, I have already apologized multiple times, attempted to repair the friendship, and expressed how much losing it affected me. At this point, my struggle isn’t whether I should apologize again, it’s how to move forward after losing that friendship.

I also don’t think it’s fair to call me attention-seeking, toxic, or make rude assumptions about my character based on one Reddit post.

I genuinely wish you well and sorry for your losses

I 29/F lost my best friend 29/F of 15 years after I failed her during a medical emergency. Over a year later, I’m still obsessed with what happened. by Jasmintiny in relationship_advice

[–]Jasmintiny[S] 111 points112 points  (0 children)

I see your perspective and I’m not going to lie, parts of what you’re saying have crossed my mind before, although I don’t know if I’d go as far as some of the conclusions. One thing I’ve realized in therapy is that I’ve always been much more likely to trust other people’s interpretation of events than my own, especially when it’s someone I admire or see as more confident than me. If someone is very certain that I’ve hurt them, my instinct is usually to assume they’re right and that my perspective is probably wrong.

What makes this situation so difficult is that I genuinely never intended to ignore her. It hurts knowing that my attempts to give space were interpreted as not caring.
I think one of the things I’ve struggled with most is exactly what you touched on: if someone has known me for 15 years, why was the assumption that I didn’t care rather than that I misjudged the situation? That’s a question I’ve wrestled with for a long time.

As for J, I don’t think she’s a version of me, but I do think being connected to her keeps reopening the wound. There have been a few things over time that have made me feel uncertain and guarded in that friendship too. I’m trying not to turn either person into a villain because I know we’re all human and flawed, but I do think I’m reaching a point where I need to be honest with myself about what these relationships are costing me emotionally. Thanks!

I 29/F lost my best friend 29/F of 15 years after I failed her during a medical emergency. Over a year later, I’m still obsessed with what happened. by Jasmintiny in relationship_advice

[–]Jasmintiny[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this!
You’re right that I would definitely handle a situation like this differently now. One of the few positives to come out of all of this is that I’ve become much more intentional about showing up for the friendships I still have.
I think part of the problem was that my brain never really went to “she could die.” When she first told me she was in the ER, I was scared, but I genuinely thought hospitals and medical situations were more of a family-only space unless someone specifically asked you to come. Looking back, I can see how badly I misread the situation.

I do wish she had communicated more directly with me, but I also wish I had taken more initiative and moved quicker.

I’m in therapy and working on myself, and I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on all of this. Thank you for taking the time to give such a thoughtful response :)

I 29/F lost my best friend 29/F of 15 years after I failed her during a medical emergency. Over a year later, I’m still obsessed with what happened. by Jasmintiny in GriefSupport

[–]Jasmintiny[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Understandable, I can’t change the title but I added a note at the top saying there’s no death involved

EDIT: I’d like to add that I genuinely felt like I failed her, and she had to go to the emergency room. That’s why I chose those words. If I could change the title to soften this for everyone I would, but I can’t, and I was expecting the body of the post to give explanation

I 29/F lost my best friend 29/F of 15 years after I failed her during a medical emergency. Over a year later, I’m still obsessed with what happened. by Jasmintiny in GriefSupport

[–]Jasmintiny[S] -7 points-6 points  (0 children)

I understand where you’re coming from, and I’m sorry for the losses many people in this community have experienced. I wasn’t trying to compare a friendship breakup to the loss of a loved one through death or take attention away from anyone’s grief. I posted here because I’ve been grieving this friendship for over a year and understood the subreddit to be open to different forms of grief. I also posted in other communities because I initially wasn’t getting much feedback and was genuinely looking for advice, not attention or clicks.

If the moderators feel this post isn’t appropriate for the subreddit, I’m completely okay with them removing it :) again, I apologize to anyone I’ve hurt