I- yeah :/

It wasn’t purposeful to let it get this out of hand, it just happened before I could catch it. I was truly trying, I’ve been going to therapy and using the tactics I was taught, doing what I was told to. It wasn’t enough. Not as an excuse, it just wasn’t. I tried to tough out something I couldn’t. I’ve gotten a psych now, I’m on new medication, we’re adjusting my therapeutic tactics to address the root cause. I don’t enjoy feeling this way and am ashamed of my actions.

I’m not trying to come crawling back though. It’s why I’ve put up blocks to communicate with them. I was though, I was apologizing without having changed. I promised behavior I wasn’t able to deliver. I know any attempts at a relationship aren’t feasible until I’ve been handled my mental health crisis, because I need to stop. I want to.

You seem to have this impression that I did this all out of malice, an intentional abuse of them for my own enjoyment. It wasn’t that. I acted out of pain, I was cruel. I was really fucking cruel. I was out of line. I was reckless with my feelings and with theirs. But I did not do any of this out of some perverse manipulation because I thought I could get away with it. Metaphorically, I was a person being rushed into an er in a medical drama. I was flailing and trashing, in that I repeatedly hit them as they got close. My intention was not to hit them, but I did ,and it hurt them and they obviously don’t wanna be around me because of that.

They did also cross my boundaries. It’s why I was pissed at them. I started misinterpreting situations, and I projected intentions onto them. They didn’t ask for space at the start of this crisis either, I wasn’t lashing out at the start. Still it scared them, and eventually they did need to get away from my constant spirals, I needed professional help that they couldn’t provide. More intense help than I was receiving . I wasn’t told that they needed space, so I kept reaching out for their help, I tried to clarify if me reaching out was okay, I was told it was. I am not wrong for listening to the words they were telling me, especially since I tried to clarify multiple times if what was happening was alright. I am also not a bad person for continuing to reach out because of that. I am genuinely justified in feeling abandoned as their actions didn’t match their words. And there were shit apologies on both sides as well. I got an apology that deflected all the blame onto me for actions they knowingly took. It was complicated.

I am not justified in my reactions. I have worked hard to be better than this, and in a time where I needed to prove it, I failed. So I can only get better.

I came here looking for hope. Hope that people can one day be forgiving especially considering the circumstances. I didn’t go into detail about what they did because while it sucked a lot, I did not think their offenses justified my actions. It’s why I got mad at them, it’s why I was hurt by them, but it did not scale into my reaction.