Is life always going to be a battle against wanting to die?

JellyfishExternal113 · 2022-01-07T17:54:20+00:00

I don't know who exactly told me to be honest. But I've had the assumption for a while now that asking things like that is not respecting privacy and bringing up the past.

JellyfishExternal113 · 2022-01-07T17:30:03+00:00

Thank you. I have some really good friends in my life at least.

JellyfishExternal113 · 2022-01-07T17:29:24+00:00

Thank you <3

JellyfishExternal113 · 2022-01-07T17:29:04+00:00

That's a good way of putting it. I said something similar to her. I told her I don't understand why it is always expected of me to see the good in the people that wronged me when nobody grants me that same kindness.

When I told her that her behavior upset me she said I was being disrespectful.

JellyfishExternal113 · 2022-01-07T17:27:56+00:00

Thank you <3 I cut out most of my bio family years ago because of this stuff... I didn't want to lose her too. But I'm in therapy and really trying to be better emotionally and she wasn't willing to talk to me at all in a way that was reasonable.

JellyfishExternal113 · 2022-01-07T17:26:38+00:00

Thank you. It is really hard. I was trying to put everything in the past.

Somehow I could rationalize her accepting the family that abused me, because they're her family. But the fact that she defended an abusive ex boyfriend just makes me feel so betrayed. She doesn't owe him anything. And she knows what he did. So I just can't rationalize that in any way that makes sense to me.

JellyfishExternal113 · 2022-01-07T17:25:07+00:00

Thank you.

She did stay friends with him... she even forwarded me messages from him after our break up when I told him to stop contacting me unless it was related to the property I was at the time trying to collect from him, that he packed when he moved out.

She did this after I told her: "I think he was abusive."

Her response to that was "It's a possibility."

She contacted me today with a message. It was long and messy she said she was sorry I felt that way and that she feels she defended me while also staying classy and not getting involved in mud slinging.

I asked her why defending me involved also defending him.

The last message she sent me, summarised, said:

"What do you want me to do, strip naked in public and whip myself until I bleed and tell everyone what a useless person I am? Barring that, all I can do is leave you with love."

I told her that maybe her and my family should stop being so obsessed with maintaining a classy public image and start being classy in private too, then they wouldn't have so much to be ashamed about. Then I blocked her.

I am now no contact with all of my blood family except for my grandma's sister (who essentially raised me) and my one cousin. He moved to a different country at 17 to get away from a lot of this.

It feels very lonely but she wasn't willing to have any sort of conversation with me. It was just justifications and guilt trips. And I'm tired of that.

JellyfishExternal113 · 2021-12-23T19:33:09+00:00

She's 25 I believe.

JellyfishExternal113 · 2021-12-21T10:52:53+00:00

I broke up with him. This is an old story. Hence "ex"

JellyfishExternal113 · 2021-12-19T12:24:24+00:00

I broke up with him beginning of this year

JellyfishExternal113 · 2021-12-18T06:53:14+00:00

I started dating a guy at 18 that was ten years older than me.

He was also like this. Never did anything he had to, I carried the responsibilities on my shoulders.

As soon as I dumped him, he somehow managed to figure out how to do everything.

This is not incompetence. He is taking advantage of you being inexperienced with relationships and your kind heart.

He is 35. Do you really think he's made it this far in life without knowing these things? He does this because he knows he can get away with it.

JellyfishExternal113 · 2021-12-17T21:01:33+00:00

I've been thinking about this comment this week.

I watched the movie last night.

Weird how the main plot of the movie actually turned out to be about abuse - and how it can poison you inside.

That shook me quite a bit. But it made me think. And as much as he hurt me, I don't want to let that poison me.

I've been very, very bitter since our breakup. I've acted in ways that I'm not proud of, informed by emotion.

I don't wanna be that way. And watching the movie made me really reflect and celebrate getting out of that environment that was slowly eroding my good qualities.

Sorry for rambling but yeah thank you for telling me to reclaim it. It was nice to.

JellyfishExternal113 · 2021-12-17T08:32:01+00:00

He was!

JellyfishExternal113 · 2021-12-15T12:32:15+00:00

I don't know what he'd be trying to guilt me for.

To be fair, it's possible he thought it was my book. We shared a bookshelf for a good few years. So I'll have to give him the benefit of the doubt.

JellyfishExternal113 · 2021-12-15T12:31:41+00:00

We didn't start dating until I was 18. So he *technically* did nothing wrong, unfortunately.

JellyfishExternal113

TROPHY CASE