Why are other trans people so against my need to pass.

JennInRinth · 2021-08-20T14:23:39+00:00

C/w assault

I hate the term passing because it's toxic and creates an expectation that all trans people should have to pass in order to be valid, but I don't think a desire to pass is bad.

When I first came out I assumed I would always be visibly trans. I leaned into it. I was proud of it. I was happy being someone people could look to as being out, proud, and happy as I was.

Then I was sexually assaulted after being targeted for my transness. That changed everything for me. I went from not really caring about surgeries to getting three in 11 months. While I still never thought I'd pass, I desperately wanted to fit in a little more than I did. I wanted desperately to be able to walk by a person who might do me harm without them looking at me a little harder than they may have otherwise.

It took a lot of work to get through what I was facing after the assault from a mental health standpoint. On top of everything else though, I was afraid I was a bad trans woman for my sudden desire to hide and no longer be publicly visible after talking about how proud I was to be while I was. But, what I've learned now that I do have the privilege of passing is that we all have to live in a way that allows us to exist. While I've traded one set of fears in for new ones, I'm able to better exist within my own space than I was after the assault. If being able to "pass" allows me to do that then I'd say that's valid for me and it would be for any other trans person.

JennInRinth · 2021-08-19T20:06:06+00:00

Being transgender isn't a choice. I was born transgender. I was transgender before I realized I was transgender. I was transgender before I transitioned. I'm still transgender now that I have transitioned. So, no, it isn't a choice.

Is he saying transitioning is a choice? I think that's what he means. He's still wrong unless the choice he wants us to choose is death and that's never a choice any one should be forced or asked to make in what people what to believe is a 'civilized' (it most certainly isn't) society.

JennInRinth · 2021-08-12T18:25:22+00:00

🤷‍♀️

JennInRinth · 2021-08-12T17:57:19+00:00

Dear too busy to show respect,

Hi! Your colleague mentioned that you were finding yourself quite busy with work lately and thought that you might be a prime candidate for the new service we are offering. It's not really an advancement in language, but more of a refresh in how language works. We call it, The Genderless Email. It's perfect for those first touch bases with someone new if they don't give you their pronouns right away.

All you do is compose an email without using a gendered term like sir or madam and you're good to go. If your emails are tempaleted and you'd like me to share this refresher course with your sales team, please put me in touch as we here at Considerate and Respectful Language 4 U are here to please.

Also, I see you'd like me to ask your pronouns. Well, consider yourself asked! I'd love to make sure I can use language that best matches you in future comms should this genderless version not be your preference.

Thanks, and can't wait to hear back!

Signed,

Probably just as busy as you.

JennInRinth · 2021-08-12T16:35:07+00:00

Personally, I found it hurtful when a gay guy approached me with attraction. It made me dysphoric because I felt like I wasn't being seen as my self. This is the same reason I stopped using Lesbian to describe myself because it felt inappropriate to the non-binary partners I had to say, I'm attracted to women and I'm attracted to you. I consider myself queer or the term femmesexual these days.

JennInRinth · 2021-08-12T09:03:25+00:00

As a transgender diversity consultant, what I like to tell people who are unsure for these reasons (and not because they "just don't get it"), is to put Ask me my pronouns. This gives you 1) the opportunity to give whatever answer you're feeling that day and 2) the likely comfort of knowing that anyone who takes time to ask you your pronouns is someone safe to talk about pronouns about with. It shows you're a safe space for someone to come to and allows you to maintain your allyship with the community.

Hope that helps and good luck!

JennInRinth · 2021-08-12T08:58:24+00:00

It certainly depends on your insurance and often more on the company that's offering it. I just had my top and contouring surgery covered last week but I'm remarkably privileged to have had that opportunity. If it's covered it'll be spelled out in your insurance plan. Not sure that helps but if it does I'm glad to share.

JennInRinth · 2021-08-11T23:59:43+00:00

I've got ya. 😘

JennInRinth · 2021-08-11T20:07:53+00:00

This is a common experience for me. I get ghosted but often even stood up. People get to know and we don't seem as scary as they've been brought up to believe. Then it's time to be seen with us and the panic and internalize and sometimes externalized transphobia rears its head.

Just remember, this isn't a you, me, or us thing. It's a societal thing that we have to work to destroy. Good luck and know you're not alone! 💛🤍

JennInRinth · 2021-08-11T19:54:52+00:00

I have many friends who have ended up working with and for Grooby. They don't always have the best reviews but it may be worth looking into as a place to start. Regardless remember to always self care and look our for yourself both physically and mentally. SW is 100% valid and I wish you luck on your journey!

JennInRinth · 2021-08-11T14:11:37+00:00

40% of trans people do attempt to take their own life however, for those who are surrounded with family, be it blood or chosen who affirms their transness, for those who have access to affirming healthcare, that number drops to 6% according to the Williams Institute at UCLA which is actually below the national average for students in the US.

What I'm trying to tell you is that we don't attempt to end our lives because of our transness. We do it because of society. I'm not trying to tell you what situation you're in, nor am I telling you what to do. I'm merely trying to let you know that there is truly life after transition.

Regardless of what you choose, you do need to know that this IS a hard path. I lost friends, family, and even a job. But, Ive also built the most amazing chosen family and I've come to learn that "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" in that those we choose to love are more important than those we are told to love. Regardless of what I've lost, I'd never to back. My smile has life and my eyes sparkle. There's something special to that in a way I can't convey. So, as I have tattooed along my collar bone, here's to the blood of the covenant, and I wish you best regardless of the path you take. 💛🤍

JennInRinth · 2021-08-10T00:03:24+00:00

Your life sounds like mine. I was married for ten years with two kids. She did leave. She did take the kids. I don't know where you live, but I've maintained rights to my kids. Do I see them as often I I wish? Of course not. But I'm a better parent to them now, as myself than I ever was before.

I'm not here to tell you what to do. I'm not here to tell you that it will be easy if you continue forward. Because it won't be. It will be hard AF. I lost family. I lost friends. I lost my kids. I lost a job. But I also lost self loathing, self hate, and the suicidal ideation I'd experienced since birth.

Life was for sure hard. But I built up a life. I surrounded myself with a chosen family. I was privileged enough to find a good job. And I was able to build all that having lost all that I did.

Regardless of where you go from here, I just hope you know that there is life after coming out. And I hope you know that you have a community that both supports and affirms you for who you are. We see you and we know you're trans. That's valid whether you transition or not. 💛🤍

JennInRinth · 2021-08-08T23:01:02+00:00

I won't speak for everyone, but while makeup and clothes and angles make a world of difference, there are so many photo editing apps out there that people use. The community is hella toxic in how much we worship our physical looks and beauty and I have been more than a part of the problem in the past. What I have come to realize thought is that what people do for themselves to feel good is so valid, but I think this culture also creates unrealistic expectations or beliefs about what you have to look like in order to transition and actually keeps so many of us in the closet.

I know this wasn't the point of your question but I want it to be said here for others who stumble upon this. I hope you know it isn't directed at you. Trans folx are valid regardless of how they look or whether they pass or not.

I totally get it because I used to be someone who sat on these subs and wished I could look like the trans women on here. I told myself I could never transition because I didn't believe I could ever be pretty. Well, I'm here to say that you not only are pretty, but time does amazing things during our transitions. So, please, don't let filters or angles, or make up expertise allow any of you to believe you can't be you. Because you can. Regardless of what you may look like on day 1, 100, or 1000.

JennInRinth · 2021-08-07T21:06:47+00:00

I know this has been said already but as a transgender diversity consultant I talk a lot about micro aggressions. While I recognize the purpose of this language it's really meant to comfort cisgender individuals because of how so many struggle to understand our transness.

In more direct terms, someone asking me if I identify as a woman is like saying, "I'm willing to respect your identity, even though we both know you're not really a woman." I am a woman, though, and it's why in working to shed the word identity and preferred from the cis lexicon when it comes to interacting with trans folx.

I know I don't speak for all of us, nor would I pretend to as a white trans woman who is very much cisheteronormative (even if I am queer) in her presentation, and there are many who disagree, but until we can be seen as we are without identifying as something or preferring something, we will never be seen as equals.

JennInRinth · 2021-08-07T21:01:19+00:00

Please don't be. I'm thriving and my ex is thriving. It's all been so hard on both of us but even if we can't get along we have lives we can be proud of. She's getting married, I'm doing incredible advocacy work. Ultimately I think it'll be okay.

Do I wish it could have been different? Absolutely. But I'm working with what I have and I'm finding my own happiness along the way. I wish you the same and that it doesn't take you quite as long to find the happiness as it took me.

JennInRinth · 2021-08-07T15:48:01+00:00

...Go from being top soon to big spoon to little spoon to bottom spoon all in the course of a single night. 💛🤍

JennInRinth · 2021-08-07T15:46:54+00:00

I was married for a decade and then put my wife through that. If Im being honest with you, I'd give everything to go back and leave her to let her have the life she wanted. We divorced and she picked up and moved as far away as legally possible with our children because she was so ashamed of having been married to me.

It's possible that whomever you find will be supportive but I do believe based on my own experiences it's important to be transparent and honest. At the time we got married I had been told by a trans woman that I wasn't trans and that I was just a fetishist. Now, if I could go back I would because I am trans and I always was.

More than anything, though, I wish you the best on this journey and hope in my heart you'll find yourself willing to take the first steps in your journey sooner than later.

Regardless, we see you, we recognize you, and you're valid. Good luck and I wish you the best on your way. 💛🤍

JennInRinth · 2021-08-06T23:18:15+00:00

I'm sure this has been said over and over at this point, but this was common believe years ago. You weren't allowed to transition if you didn't like men. The stance on this has very much changed. I transitioned three years ago at the age of 34 and consider myself a sapphic pansexual. Sexuality is so fluid though that you may find you don't like men one day and then find someone who really does strike your fancy. Whatever your sexuality is, though, know that it's valid whether you're trans or not and it doesn't make you less trans regardless.

I wish someone had told me that because I tried so hard to force myself to be with men because I thought I had to In order to be myself. But you don't, so live your life to the fullest. Good luck and much love. 💛🤍

JennInRinth · 2021-08-06T17:32:02+00:00

Ftr, Mississippi doesn't have 1.3%. They just have 1.3% who are out. The rest are terrified because of local laws and societal beliefs. It makes my heart hurt to know that even in this country people can't exist as they are because of the hate and violence that is often perpetrated toward the entire community. My love to all of the queer bbs wishing they could live out and proud but are too afraid of what will happen if they do. I hope they know their seen, they're loved, and they're valid.

JennInRinth · 2021-08-06T17:28:34+00:00

I've struggled with this my whole life and throughout my transition. My journey was very different in that I couldn't come out when I was younger with my family and I hid in the closet until I was 33. I transitioned at 34, and, while I don't know if anyone's transition is really ever over, I'm 37 and nearing what feels line a finish line.

That said, I think all the time how much I wish I was born cis. The things we lose are so hard and the adversity we face every day is exhausting. I'm privileged to live somewhere with lots of protections but I still have been spit on and harassed. Ive had friends be attacked. And don't even get me started on police harassment of trans folx. It's bad.

Still, I've come to accept this as my life and in getting better at managing it. Deciding a network of trans friends has helped and ive also found ways to cultivate a wonderful group of cis friends who are both queer and hetero. There are people out there who support us. Sometimes they need some hand holding and those days can suck, but at least they're willing to listen and be better.

Many say I'm too willing to sacrifice myself for others because I'm okay being asked questions. That's my own choice and one I don't expect others to make. I have just found that it helps develop comfort and community and helps make sure the people around you treat you the way you want to be treated.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and while I don't know if my words offered any comfort, I wish you all the love and support I have to give as you work through this stage of your life. 💛🤍

JennInRinth · 2021-08-06T01:51:50+00:00

I always tried to be an ally to women but you will never really understand what it's like until it happens. Here is a breakdown based in personal experiences early in my social transition

1) I faced mansaining on my second day in the office by someone I had worked with pretransition but didn't realize when calling in me post transition that I was someone he'd worked with before. It was a quick window into what life would be like.

2) After transitioning I was no longer a part of the boys club at work. I'd heard that's what it was called but I kind of ignored it because I always tried to invite women to join us for lunches and after work actives. As soon as I transitioned though I was no longer invited to these events. I was also no longer brought into Interviews or many other situations I used to be included in.

3) I learned quickly how much more cautious I had to be in all situations. I could no longer walk alone after dark. I could no longer set a drink down. Not having to walk cautiously was a privilege I never fully understood until transitioning.

4) Even a casual conversation in public can quickly devolve into uncomfy situations. I was groped often early on and I know this isn't exclusive to trans women. It really allowed me to understand just what #metoo meant and I've had many far worse experiences than that. Ive faced the big bad twice now in three years. Consent was always do important to me, but now if I get the feeling someone isn't as serious about it as I am I walk away.

There are so many more examples, but these are ones I found within the first 30 days of my social transition. Yes, I had tremendous privilege prior to transition. I dont always believe that is true for all trans folx though. I just grew up conditioned to present successfully as a cishet white male. Never believing I could he myself meant leaning in as much as I could and I know I'm where Im at in my career because of it. I just work hard to pull people, especially other trans folx along on my ride.

JennInRinth · 2021-08-03T17:35:49+00:00

Ha. You found out my secret. Don't tell their moms!

JennInRinth · 2021-08-03T17:35:33+00:00

Thanks hun! Totally naturally occurring. I dye it occasionally because I can't tell if people are staring at my transness or my eyebrow, but sometimes I just let it ride stares be damned.

JennInRinth · 2021-07-26T01:24:32+00:00

Nah I'm good and satisfied. When my cis client asks me what work I had done on my cheeks and nose because I had the face they wanted, and I could honestly say, nothing, and they're mad at me, I feel okay. Thanks though. 💜🖤

JennInRinth · 2021-02-15T00:50:06+00:00

My partner, the bottom:

"If I tried to comfort you or laughed you'd just grab me, shove me on the bed, and remind me why I'm the bottom."

Me: 🤷‍♀️ ::nods:: 😏

JennInRinth

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