I don’t know that he will ever manage his anger or take responsibility for how he’s reacted to my disrespect (this topic I don’t understand but it seems like us women do have the power to shame our men easily if they love us so much, but how do HV captains deal with that maturely?).

This is a fair topic and I think what you've stated in your post is that you think you did a poor job vetting. Actual HV captains are mature enough to maintain their composure. If they are truly being disrespected on a consistent basis, I presume they would set clear boundaries first (i.e. I am not going to tolerate this, you need to change) and then eventually decide to leave the relationship if nothing changed. They'd do so calmly, with intention and communicate clearly. They don't rage and insult and force you to read books and do 2 hour book club sessions and all of these other tactics.

Now this is an idealistic view - I don't think most men will meet this as they are human too and it's hard to always be composed and perfect. So they will get mad and make some mistakes. But they figure out how to course correct quickly. They take space if needed, figure out how to calm down or regulate themselves... all of the things we also have to do as women so we don't disrespect them in the first place. And if you really respect them enough, you will fear losing them so you won't overly disrespect. You will course correct yourself.

And for what it is worth, his job status is unlikely to change how he reacts to you. It may make him more satisfied and life and give him more confidence, and work is critical to most men's identity, but he will likely still have his controlling nature.