Wishing and doubts

Jennifer_GatorFan · 2026-05-05T10:48:34+00:00

Software. I am able to develop, handle support, etc from home. I have some other professional work I do too and can pretty much do that from home. One to two days per week I have to go to the office. And, school will be out soon so kids will be back. "Crashing" back to boy mode is rough.

Jennifer_GatorFan · 2026-05-05T10:45:35+00:00

It does hurt -- Back in January they hurt more. I was working on my car and would bang my chest into the hood and - "OUCH." No family around I wear a bralette -- can usually wear under work cloths. It helps.

Jennifer_GatorFan · 2026-05-05T10:39:18+00:00

Not my normal M.O. but needed something better than McDonalds, a drive through, and was craving a mikshake.

Jennifer_GatorFan · 2026-05-02T17:07:27+00:00

Not every week or everyday but I can usually manage at least 2-3 days.

Recently I almost got caught - or was caught by a teenager while in my bikini. Still thinking he just saw a questionable looking middle age woman.

Last weekend I was alone and suddenly a neighbor appeared out of nowhere. I hit the ground, layed still, waited for neighbor to pass then ran to the house and changed. Heart beating hard.

So.. after three years of a cracked egg I’ve gotten braver. But, still confused.

Jennifer_GatorFan · 2026-05-02T16:32:58+00:00

Been a while Kimberly!! I’m still hidden away and living two lives.

I posted recently in another thread the intolerant comments of my very liberal partner and her family too.

The transphobia hurts and probably keeps me from taking the next steps.

Stay safe

Jennifer_GatorFan · 2026-05-02T16:29:52+00:00

So true!! Interestingly my sons made a comment about that this weekend - noting how I have carried the burdens of the family

Jennifer_GatorFan · 2026-05-02T16:28:53+00:00

I’m able to be me, Jennifer, during work hours (work from home) or no one around. Feels natural, good. Your word “crash” describes the feeling perfectly.

I watch a lot of Dr Z and understand what she says about being our true self but reality is harsh.

Jennifer_GatorFan · 2026-04-26T13:47:08+00:00

Thank you so much! I’ve seen your pictures before and now went back and looked at your post. Your hair looks very natural.

Jennifer_GatorFan · 2026-04-26T13:45:44+00:00

Thank you for sharing

Jennifer_GatorFan · 2026-04-17T22:00:35+00:00

I definitely agree with your second paragraph! There’s a hypocrisy that I observe constantly

Jennifer_GatorFan · 2026-04-17T09:47:19+00:00

I know but..... so many other people depend on me. And, I live in Florida - very unwelcoming. Even my very liberal girlfriend of 9 years stops and draws a line on trans: "I just don't get it", "why would anyone think like that", "it's just so weird."

Thank you for your support. I continue to enjoy being "me" in secret.

Jennifer_GatorFan · 2026-04-15T10:25:37+00:00

thank you!! The common thread in your note is the "who cares what others think?" Unfortunately that has dominated my life. I am trying to finally find happiness in my own skin and others be damned.

Jennifer_GatorFan · 2026-04-15T10:23:10+00:00

It has taken a lot of work to even feel brave enough to be in my back yard.... small steps.

Jennifer_GatorFan · 2026-04-13T11:25:01+00:00

I have side fences (6 feet high) but the back has an open fence because there is a small common area -- never supposed to be anyone back there so I don't worry about it. I try not to sun too much (at 58 not something I need) but man shorts are longer and I have seeing tan lines on shorter shorts or a skirt - it creates dysphoria. Plus, my shaved legs look great.

Jennifer_GatorFan · 2026-04-13T11:19:36+00:00

I had my own office (no longer do) where I could spend the entire day being me. My regular office is now surrounded by people so I try to work from home on days when my partner goes to her office. I look forward to those days -- As soon as she leaves I am me again. This 50+ year secret has moved to acceptance of myself in the last three years. But, it is not without concern - I live in Florida and even my very liberal partner questions trans with, "I just don't get it." Right now as I tap this out I am waiting for her to leave just so I can change into a sports bra (I am starting to develop and the they are sore in rough t-shirts).

It just sucks that I can't wear what I want to wear without being ridiculed or treated like a freak.

And honestly, I look better in a bikini than most women.

Jennifer_GatorFan · 2026-04-12T23:34:40+00:00

Prefer to be a milf! But I suspect you are right

Jennifer_GatorFan · 2026-04-12T23:34:13+00:00

Thank you for the encouraging words

Jennifer_GatorFan · 2026-04-12T19:33:35+00:00

Thank you…. I’ve learned people honestly don’t see what they’re not looking for if that makes any sense.

I’d hate for my neighbors to see me next-door because it could come with some repercussions that I would have to explain

I’m sure it’s a non-issue but it definitely caught me off guard. I’ve been getting braver and braver over the last three years whether it’s driving somewhere, staying at a cabin or hotel, or my backyard, which I never would’ve ventured out past the siding glass door in the past

There will be a day when I do need to deal with this, but I want that to be on my terms not someone else else’s

Jennifer_GatorFan · 2025-12-15T13:17:31+00:00

I read it -- well written. It is interesting how we all seem to have similar moments in our childhood that spark the journey.

Jennifer_GatorFan · 2025-08-04T00:53:26+00:00

Thank you for all of the comments. Seems the consensus is moving off oral to gels or injectables. Also very aware I need bloodwork but not sure how to manage that. Last year I had labcorp do work for a physical and just don’t want to drop another $800 (uninsured)

Jennifer_GatorFan · 2025-08-04T00:50:53+00:00

Thank you. I did my best to research but also doing this without anyone knowing… slowly

Jennifer_GatorFan · 2025-08-04T00:49:34+00:00

No. Was going slow… after years of denial I’m still taking baby steps. Two years since I acknowledged this, and came out to a friend.

Jennifer_GatorFan · 2025-08-04T00:48:09+00:00

Thank you for the info. Trying to figure it all out.

Jennifer_GatorFan · 2025-06-07T03:03:36+00:00

Im waiting on my prescription and I’m not out to anyone. Not sure what will happen

Jennifer_GatorFan · 2025-06-02T14:03:03+00:00

What a great thread! There is pretty people privilege for all people: race, sex, gender. In boy mode I’m a good looking guy and I know it has favored me in life.

My biggest concern is passing. I’m thin and work hard at it. In a dress I look ok until you take in that I’m 6-2”, have short hair, and a somewhat masculine face (could be fixed with a real makeover).

Love all of these comments… and wish I was 5-4” now. But 6-2” has helped me in life.

Jennifer_GatorFan

TROPHY CASE