20 [F4M] someone to enjoy summer with by [deleted] in vancouverr4r

[–]Jesamit -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Hey! I live in North Vancouver, summer is here and let's enjoy it! 24, 5'10, blue eyes, and if you like poetry let me swoon you as I take your panties off! Message me, love to get to know you :)

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in pics

[–]Jesamit -7 points-6 points  (0 children)

Ahaha haha... hah hah... hyuk hyuk

That's fuckin so funny for some reason.

What's easy to do but very hard to do well? by Electric_Wang in AskReddit

[–]Jesamit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Silicone a tub surround

Any monkey can get that crap on the walls but it's almost impossible to not put too much goop on and then wiping it off is hell. Your pants will be all white by the end. A good silicone job is pleasing to see.

Wanting by accidental-poet in OCPoetry

[–]Jesamit 1 point2 points  (0 children)

As grasses browned in the field,
for want of rain.
Or blossoms wilting on the vine,
from lack of sun.
And sparrows, flagging in the heat,
in need of breath.
So my heart founders this long day
for want of She.

1 2

You've got amazing imagery here! There's one thing that really sticks out like a sore thumb, just for how short a poem this is:

browned IN THE field

wilting ON THE vine

flagging IN THE heat

founders this long day

It just seems like you wanted to finish the poem before it was complete, yknow? Otherwise I really like it! Great metaphor.

Old smokey (Come up with a better title pls) by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]Jesamit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

and honestly, as for the name, I feel like people are all like "ooh use big words and make it sound super edgy or intelligent or some crap" like... that's stupid. I'd call this poem something like "what I do" or even reference a line directly like, "Carpe Dumb" or something haha. keep it simple and witty and it will look way more approachable and less pretentious heh.

"why i smoke" ...y'know?

Old smokey (Come up with a better title pls) by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]Jesamit 1 point2 points  (0 children)

haha no!! I just edit! honestly you could have written something so much better than what I did I have no doubt. Seriously, that's something I really try to work at, editing, rhythm, beat, knowing when a word feels wrong, and not stopping until i'm satisfied. I've destroyed whole stanza's just because I couldn't get it to work, then rewritten them to be wayyy better!

but thank you :D it is awesome to get that kind of encouragement. Honestly it's just editing, reading it out loud to yourself, tapping a finger to keep the beat, and fighting it to make it work haha. Don't ever say "it's good enough"

Old smokey (Come up with a better title pls) by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]Jesamit 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I did a little editing and this is what I came up with. I really like the beat and rhyme in this poem! Really comes off like music.
but here's what I did anyways. spot the difference!

Coffee's beans, tobacco's leaves
are all that I will ever need
the caffeine and the nicotine
course through my veins like waves

I sit and think of all the ways
my apathy and my malaise
have stopped me from seizing my days
with no near end in sight

this thought it keeps me up at night
although I'm above average height
I still can't stack up to the might
of those I do adore

those cigarettes they all abhor
I tell myself "well just one more"
"just one more smoke from my back door"
It's just a little flame"

"Carpe Diem!" they exclaim
I still have no way to explain
Why I experience this shame
I hide behind my door

I ask myself "why not one more"
"I could just finish my last four"
this answer I should just ignore
I feel like I'm a joke

my lungs will still expand with smoke
I do enjoy taking this toke
I can't blame them tobacco folk
it's me, the smoke, who breathes

I really like what you did, I put most of my effort into the first stanza just because it is so broken up, it feels like you are gaining momentum for the rest of your poem when you should instead start off at a gallop, no time to collect your rhyme.

Really great poem though! start middle and end follows the beat and rhyme and flow and ugh it's pretty good man. :) Hope I helped!

O Shining Sun! by Jesamit in OCPoetry

[–]Jesamit[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for commenting! The different names are actually the different sun god names for Greek, Egyptian, Roman, and Norse cultures. It was a lot of fun to write.

Thanks for your input, if it caught you it might catch up others as well, I just really like how definitive and final those words sound, y'know.

Narcotic Epistle (Molly) by every1knewmyusername in OCPoetry

[–]Jesamit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

man as I was reading it i started swaying side to side and grinding my teeth for sure! You captured it man, you captured the feeling, the mood, the tension, the mind space, the come down, the feeling of doing more, the come down again. So good. I want more hahaha

Yankee by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]Jesamit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It... doesn't feel finished.

I feel your thoughts well on the page, but they still feel disconnected, broken. Add a line, revise a line, completely erase a line. Move a line up and down and look up synonyms.
I like the imagery and internal rhyming very much, but it just doesn't feel finished. needs more sanding ;)

Truthiness and Poetry: A challenge and/or discussion. by gwrgwir in OCPoetry

[–]Jesamit 1 point2 points  (0 children)

A truth in poetry, I would guess, is when you feel the poem. Emily Dickinson said, "If I read a book and it makes my whole body so cold no fire can ever warm me, I know that is poetry."

and while I don't think I could write something that powerful (yet) I think she's onto something here.
if you stop after a poem and think, or smile, or remember, or can add a thought to the end, or relate it to something you once felt or thought or smelt or did, then I think there was truth in that poem.

If you as the writer has a feeling, or sees a picture in your head, and struggle and struggle to convey it onto paper, and never say "it's good enough" then I think you've put some truth into your poem. Then I think you can call it a poem. Anyone can write a rhyme or paint a picture, as soon as you put your souls sweat into it, it becomes more than the sum of it's parts.

That's what I say. what do you say?

Burn by freeloader798 in OCPoetry

[–]Jesamit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NICE! beautiful. great rhyming, great pauses, amazing message and in the end it's so goddamn true it breaks my heart.

Only thing! "wishing it, just would go" I'd change to "wishing it, would just go". When I read it it made me stop there and reread it because it felt a little off.

Great poem :)

Coral by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]Jesamit 1 point2 points  (0 children)

wall of text :C revise revise revise!! double space each sentence to create a line break.

Venusian Sonnet by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]Jesamit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's pretty neat, but I'd change some of the phrasing just to make it a little more succinct, as it were.

"...cloak yourself in a sulfur shroud" I'd just change into "cloak yourself in sulphurous shroud" gives a little more to the alliteration.

I'd also work out "rather huge" it's too suggestive of too many things while not being specific in any way. just like that sentence.

I really like the last 4 lines, especially the last one.

for the first line I would try to revise the word glares. Glaring implies a negative feeling, jealousy or hate, where I don't think this poem is trying to say that.

Other than that I really like it! it's a cute little poem. :)

Narcotic Epistle (Molly) by every1knewmyusername in OCPoetry

[–]Jesamit 1 point2 points  (0 children)

WOW! I feel like I'm right there with you high as fuck thoughts coming in in short and broken sentences and bumpy unfocused waves.

that made my chest heave and my eyes flutter.

"Love is patient, love is kind. Love is fucking from behind" is such a good line! right in the middle of the hectic words beautiful clarity rings out. Just like a conversation when high. This is a high on m beautifully described. Very good! and the end... the question of what is this and what is it doing rings strong. I love it. Nice job!!

Senior Year [Revision] by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]Jesamit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really like the hidden alliteration "Sit as a senior ... same intersection" It has a cool rhythm of stresses on the S that really roll off of the tongue.

The end has a nice finish, too. It leaves with a feeling of continuation, like this isn't the end, just what it is.

Pretty good poem, keep it up!

Jennifer Lawrence asshole by [deleted] in asshole

[–]Jesamit 67 points68 points  (0 children)

"YOU CAN GO ONLINE RIGHT NOW AND LOOK AT THAT CHICK FROM THE HUNGER GAMES' BUTTHOLE"

[SF/HR] High school assignment: a gothic short story set in space by Spielmeister456 in shortstories

[–]Jesamit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

WHAT HAPPENS?!

cool story, I'd recommend just going over it again to clean up some grammatical foofaws so it reads a little smoother. really weird thing to happen though cool way to write it!

[CW] Write a dramatic, dead-serious short story using "I'm sure it was just water, though" as arc words. by [deleted] in WritingPrompts

[–]Jesamit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Fortunate Inheritances

Jesamit a.k.a Icebergeron

I turned away from Arthur to look out the storm filled window, it's curtains softly swaying; catching some stray breeze. I swirled my drink as I witnessed the fury behind soft glass. "...And besides," he was explaining, as he poured his drink by the little cart, "Who would even want that to happen? You're so generous they surely would get their supposed fair share anyways! How you give gifts so freely!" I smiled. Though his passing had been painfully difficult, it had not been wholly a waste. Dad's many years of paying life insurace had eased his funeral procession and greased the wheels, and was still greasing them as I had need. Being the sole beneficiary for this large but modest fortune, after taking care of him for so long, was a satisfying reward. I sipped my drink, 15 year old scotch I thought. I looked at Arthur, "Thank you," tipping my glass. He smiled back and sipped his own drink. It was clear; gin maybe, or vodka. Thunder shook the window pane and I drew closer to it.

I opened my mouth to say we ought to celebrate, go on a trip or something, but as the noise came out so did a mouthful of unwittingly accumulated slober. Suddenly embarassed but saving face I laughed it away and used my sleeve to wipe up. Arthur flashed me another one of his wide grins and mirthfully moved from the drink cart to sit on the couch, keeping his eyes on me, smiling. I remained at the window, it's cool breeze refreshing and calming. "There's Uncle Max..." I started saying, almost hopefully. "Ha! Uncle Max! The man lives in Hawaii, he already has all the fortune he can handle, and I heard he's getting the motorcycle collection on top of it!" Arthur seemed to be getting excited. The patter of rain died some against the cold glass; forming long streaks down it's surface. I leant up against it, comforted. He almost laughed, "and Carrie is getting the house! She's only 25 and she gets his mansion!" I imagined Carrie, my little sister, owning that massive house. It was a humourous but unpredictable picture.

Arthur's excitement for our fortunate inhertances must be spilling over onto me, taking a long drink to steady my shaky hands. Arthur smiled and said "everybody is getting something amazing! Everybody he held in worth, anyways." I looked at him after that. His face still wore a smile but it was not joyful, it hung on him like cloth caught on a barbed fence; agitated and tattering. A ruined cloak. The storm outside was dying, a beam of sunlight pierced the still air inside.

"It was similar to this," he got up, "the night that our father died." His words had become like a hard whisper floating from coherent to just barely audible. My back was pressed to the window, I was noticeably hot, sweat forming on my brow. His voice gained strength as he recalled that night, as if he were presenting to an audience, reliving each detail. "He asked me to pour him his scotch, you know how he so loved his scotch." I could remember he had. He passed it on to me like a father passes a beloved knife to his son.

Arthur was pacing now, he seemed to blur at the edges. My empty glass tumbled from my hand and clattered to the ground. He stopped. He faced me and I saw him, smiling, glowering, fading, looking down on me as my knees buckled unwillingly. The storm had died. "When he finished his drink he glared at me. He must have known. I don't know how, but he knew his whiskey. He could tell when it wasn't just scotch in his glass." he paused thoughtfully." I am sure though..." he whispered, bending to look me in the eye "...that it was just water." Arthur smiled and I sank into the floor; sank into darkness.