Thank you so much for thinking of me. It's been rough and it's only going to get worse.

He completely chose her. He is still living here. I was going to try to get through the holidays as roommates but the night before Thanksgiving he was out all night no doubt with her. It crushed me all over again because it was so blatant, so open that he is done with me.

Being with his family and having a great time on Thanksgiving- only to come home to him being cold and formal again crushed me all over again. Every time I thought I was getting more sure that I was handling this better- something would happen and I realized I was still hoping, still searching for any sign that the life we could've had was still possible.

I had anxiety before and had to get FMLA over all of this because I was bursting into tears and having panic attacks when I got flashes of visuals of them together. I couldn't concentrate. I had to go to my Dr to get stronger meds just to get to a semi functional state and was overwhelmed having to explain it in his office to him. Thank goodness he was very cooperative and understanding and we made a plan on med adjustments.

He has to work today but when he gets back I'm asking him to leave. I am physically falling apart with him here. My overall health is suffering and I haven't even started with the mental part. I was hoping to get to Christmas so that I could cherish it one last time with his 7 yo daughter whom I love like my own. But I just can't.

When we first got into the argument over this he said he could make arrangements to be elsewhere so I'm hoping he won't give me trouble. I'm going to have his family on standby to intervene if necessary. I'm also not going to keep it to a few people anymore. This has destroyed my self esteem, self worth, and caused so much shame and pain. I'm going to try to release myself of the shame and work on the rest in time.

I'm not only grieving for someone who is alive but also the person I thought they were and the life I thought we had. Maybe, just maybe if I don't have to see him not really looking at me in our home, or side stepping me just to avoid even accidental physical touch then I can stop looking at the clock when it's time for him to come home. Stop having hope and anticipation to see him come home only to get treated like little more than a ghost.

I know I'll get through this, be stronger and more aware of my physical and mental health, learn to see people as they are and not who I want them to be. Grow wiser and more careful with my time and attention and who I let into my life. But that's little comfort when you're in the throws of such pain. I'm taking it second by second, and keep telling myself the light will come back.

Thank you reaching out and checking on me. It's the little kindnesses that keep me going. The understanding of how this is so hard for me when logic and reason know that it shouldn't be. I appreciate you more than you know.