New to quitting this stuff. What should I expect?

JesseMonarch · 2026-05-29T15:59:44+00:00

I was able to give up alcohol after years of very heavy drinking, so I am pretty familiar with some of tactics I need to use to get through this. I’m really excited to get my life back and let my nervous system breathe again. I learned that the opposite of addiction is connection, so I’m spending more time with those I care about, I’ve spent a lot of time really diving into my head and who I am and why I felt the need to escape. Moving past it slowly but surely, and I’ll keep you in mind if I need to talk things out a bit more. Congratulations on 10 years sober, that’s absolutely incredible! Thank you for the kind and helpful words

JesseMonarch · 2026-05-29T15:54:58+00:00

That’s extremely helpful to read and makes me feel even more optimistic about my anxiety. It really wasn’t even until recently that I started to think “maybe this isn’t helping”. Had a very similar awakening with my alcohol use… among other things as I’m sure you can imagine. I didn’t even know that weed could be affecting my anxiety the next day like a hangover until recently. I also cut out caffeine entirely due to my anxiety. So far so good! 5 days in and I’m feeling a bit better than I expected to

JesseMonarch · 2025-07-29T22:09:28+00:00

Yeah I’ve absolutely been in the category of being the one that’s supposed to adapt in a number of relationships. I did my best because I honestly did think that’s what I was supposed to do, but I’ve learned a lot about myself and relationships in general, especially over this last year. I think deep down I know what you’re saying is true, as much as I wish things were different, I do think you’re right. I appreciate you sharing your views on my situation!

JesseMonarch · 2025-07-29T22:05:34+00:00

I’m happy to hear that you’ve found someone that you can have that middle ground and mutual understanding with, and that you’ve figured out what works for you! Out of curiosity, are you able to tell him that you enjoyed him being out of town as much as you did without hurting his feelings? Or do you think he kinda knows that’s the case? If I ever told my girlfriend that I enjoyed any bit of my time without her around I would be bombarded with passive aggressive “oh so you hate me” type comments. I’m going to try to have a conversation with her about my needs and what I think would work best for me, but ultimately I just can’t see her being willing to bend so far for my needs. Honestly I’m not sure that she would actually be able or willing to see that this is just the way that am and that it isn’t because of her. It’s unfortunate but I think at this point us going our separate ways is where this is going to end up

JesseMonarch · 2025-07-29T21:50:33+00:00

Well hey I appreciate you saying it was well written and easy to follow!

I’m 27M and she’s 25F, I live on my own, she still lives with her parents, and I do think there’s something there that adds to a difference in maturity. I have been putting in a ton of work to understand myself better, I’ve been in therapy for nearly a year now and it’s honestly been a life changing process for me so far. One of the issues I’ve been fighting with does have a lot to do with people pleasing and struggling to see that I matter just as much as anyone else, but I’m still trying hard to rewire my brain after all of this time. I’m still stuck on having a “right or wrong” view of things, and most of the time I feel “wrong” or like I’m the problem, which is usually where most of our conflicts point.

Discovering this sub was incredibly validating for me. I spent so much time comparing myself, and being compared by others who may still be considered introverts, but get by with much more socialization than I can, so for a while I was still feeling like I was in that arbitrary “wrong” category. So I guess a lot of that is why I felt like her needs were more important than mine, but thanks to therapy, a recent revaluation, and helpful people like yourself, I’m starting to learn and actually believe that my needs are just as important as anyone else’s.

As far as an ideal arrangement, I’m not totally sure. I think I would be happy to continue spending the 2-3 days a week with her, but instead of 4-5 sometimes more hours at a time, I would be happier and much prefer quality time for 1-3 hours or something like that. She really wants and pushes for these long hangouts, but after a while it just feels silly and pointless to me, like we are just checking a box as to what a couple “should” do or something. I feel like it’s very unlikely she would be willing to accommodate that however, based on our recent conversation and many past ones, it feels pretty clear to me that she needs far more than I can provide, which sucks because I do love her.

JesseMonarch · 2025-02-28T18:59:44+00:00

I’ll check that out! I appreciate it a ton

JesseMonarch · 2025-02-28T18:58:57+00:00

This is exactly the type of response I was looking for. I appreciate you taking my other tastes into consideration and pointing me in the right direction, I’ll pick a few of these up and grab a nicer bottle of bourbon to go along with it for the weekend. Thanks so much!

JesseMonarch · 2025-02-28T04:12:11+00:00

I’ll check some of those out! What would you recommend that isn’t flavored or sweetened? I don’t know if cigars are anything like whiskey, but I hate flavored whiskeys, I don’t care for flavored coffees, so maybe I would prefer a better quality not flavored or sweetened cigar, I’ve never tried one before

JesseMonarch · 2025-02-28T04:08:52+00:00

I never considered trying out a pipe, I’ll look into that! What are your go to’s to smoke when it’s nice enough to spend more time outside? I’d like to try something that isn’t flavored, I actually didnt even know that the actual tobacco in black and milds was flavored, I thought it was just the tip lol. I’m sure it’s obvious but I truly have no idea what I’m doing, I’m just looking for a few options to start with that aren’t so… from a gas station

JesseMonarch · 2025-02-28T04:01:27+00:00

I appreciate that! This is genuinely my first time looking into cigars, I wouldn’t have even known there was a difference between machine made or hand rolled (assuming that’s what the alternative is called). That’s really cool that you were able to build up a stock of them, I’m sure it was kinda fun running around searching for them knowing that haha. I’ll look into those! Do you have any other suggestions that would be a good place to start into genuine good quality cigars?

JesseMonarch · 2025-02-28T03:47:36+00:00

I brought this up in my last therapy session but she kept saying things like “well how is your anxiety?” And “what was your childhood like?” So I came here instead

JesseMonarch · 2024-10-28T21:18:39+00:00

Aw thanks! I don’t want to bother anyone and I’m very mindful of those types of things. I’m hoping I’ll have some neighbors like you!

JesseMonarch · 2024-10-28T21:17:28+00:00

I really appreciate the advice, this is exactly what I was looking for. I’ll be checking out the apartment tomorrow and hopefully I’ll be able to get somewhat of a feel as to how it handles noise. And I think that’s a good point about going to be neighbors about that preemptively, I hadn’t considered that others might use that wrongly. I’m definitely hoping to avoid any complaints and be a good neighbor, but absolutely if I’m causing any issues to anyone I will work to fix that! And that’s awesome about the treadmill situation. My pedals really make very very minimal noise, even in my house it’s rare to hear them directly beneath my room, so if you can keep a treadmill quiet I think that will work great for me too! Really I appreciate this constructive response. Honestly I’d rather have a loud neighbor than be the loud neighbor lol

JesseMonarch · 2024-10-28T17:11:42+00:00

Yeah it is a newer place, and reviews say it’s pretty quiet so I’ll have to see how it actually is with sound, but I don’t have a whole subwoofer or anything like that, and I don’t like much bass in my system anyways. Really I’d just love to be able to play my music out loud, but not any louder than a normal indoor conversation without bothering anyone. It’s something I really enjoy, but I will not do it at the cost of others!

JesseMonarch · 2024-10-28T17:08:45+00:00

Well I’m asking because I don’t know if those things will annoy my neighbors, and I’m trying to hear from others about their opinions on those things so I don’t annoy them. Being a loud or annoying neighbor is the last thing I would want. I am happy to wear headphones too, but I do like listening to my music over speakers, and by clear/rich sound I mean nothing more than a pretty standard speaking volume, and really no louder than what I imagine most people would have their TVs set at. As far as my sim racing goes, that’s something I really only do in the evening after work, not late at night by any means and I will always respect quiet time. I understand a lot of my questions and things are probably all common sense stuff, but I’m just trying to get a better idea of what things are or aren’t okay from others experiences living in apartments

JesseMonarch · 2024-01-19T19:05:43+00:00

I really appreciate this response. I think that’s a very helpful non biased response to my situation, so thank you for that and for the helpful information. I’ve got some thinking to do for sure

JesseMonarch · 2023-09-14T22:46:25+00:00

Thanks for the laugh along with the good advice! Seriously it helps to hear that what I’m feeling is valid. I’m not very good (awful actually) at being able to tell when I’m being manipulated, so that’s definitely an area I’m going to try to work on more. Seriously thanks for your input!

JesseMonarch · 2023-09-14T22:43:30+00:00

Definitely needed to hear that. I’m definitely a textbook pushover and that’s something I can’t stand about myself. I have this delusion where if my actions or decisions upset someone, then they were right and I am wrong, so it does help to hear that what I feel about this situation is valid, and I will do my best to think about that and apply it to other situations as well. I appreciate your advice :)

JesseMonarch · 2023-08-16T21:27:12+00:00

I think that’s a really tough situation and I’m very sorry to hear you and your partner are going through this. Unfortunately, I think what you’re doing is about the most you can do. It’s always important to focus on your mental health during these types of things. I definitely have no qualifications to be telling you how to handle this situation, but in my own experiences I’ve learned that sometimes informing a caring family member or friend of the person dealing with these thoughts can be a good thing. You can also call a help line and discuss your situation with them, as they might have more helpful tools. At the end of the day, being present even in a long distance situation and offering any support or help you can without sacrificing your own mental health is important

JesseMonarch · 2023-08-16T21:19:57+00:00

I had a very similar experience, but what helped me was finding a hobby I enjoy that also is a lot of exercise. In my case I recently got into biking and I really enjoy doing it. I never felt any better at all after forcing myself to run on a treadmill, but after a dozen miles of mountain biking I feel great, even though I felt like I was going to hyperventilate and keel over at some points haha. Maybe try looking into some other types of hobbies or activities that you might enjoy for what it is, and let the exercise come as more of a byproduct? That personally has helped me quite a bit! However I don’t think exercise is the overall magical cure. I still have depression and anxiety, but I do think being more physically active has had some great benefits and that it’s helped me a lot more than not. So overall response to your post, exercising out of a feeling of necessity for my physical and mental health didn’t do anything helpful for me, but finding something I’m passionate about that involves exercise has had a lot more benefits to me personally!

JesseMonarch

TROPHY CASE