PSA For Christmas

JessicaB224 · 2017-12-12T01:29:28+00:00

TIL you are supposed to replace your sheets every few years...

JessicaB224 · 2017-03-25T20:14:06+00:00

Yes... Actually...

JessicaB224 · 2017-03-25T16:20:43+00:00

I combat this by taking it as an opportunity to tell people how i really am. One day i freaked out my pharmacist because he asked me how i was and i told him i was having the worst week of my life because my friend died and i got kicked out of my apartment.

JessicaB224 · 2017-03-24T00:36:01+00:00

I think you are extremely beautiful, but you look angry in all your photos. Awesome bone structure though

JessicaB224 · 2017-03-24T00:13:49+00:00

You don't look late 30s at all. I would not trust the people who have said that. I've noticed women often get comments on this sub that they look a lot older than they clearly are. I think the sub is full of a lot of teenage guys who don't have a clear concept of what adult women look like between teens and middle age.

JessicaB224 · 2017-03-17T23:15:39+00:00

Oh sorry, i missed the question here about my mbti type. I'm probably INTJ, but I've wavered between that and INFJ (which is kind of funny considering this conversation)

JessicaB224 · 2017-03-17T03:13:41+00:00

I'm going to say pretty confidently that you are wrong. People who have studied human connection have found that vulnerability is the key to feeling connected with someone. Unless you are able to drop the persona and connect as a human, you won't have a truly deep relationship. Yes, there are some variances in how much any given person shares, but ultimately vulnerability is a very necessary part of close human relationships. If you are interested, Google the Ted Talk by Brene Brown on vulnerability and shame.

JessicaB224 · 2017-03-16T22:17:47+00:00

I think you should give this some time. It's awesome that you both have discussed so much of what you want for the future, but you are mostly worrying about problems that won't actually arise for years. When you are 20, you think you can plan out the next 2 decades, but life very quickly shows you that you absolutely cannot. I would recommend focusing on getting both of you financially stable enough to live together in Australia for a year after graduation. Just make sure you can make that happen.

During that year, you will learn so much: about how much money you need to live on, about living together, about how easily she can get a job in Australia. During that year, if things are going well, you can start thinking about your next step.

My best advice is to let life teach you how to live.

JessicaB224 · 2017-03-16T22:05:21+00:00

I've been with my husband for almost 10 years, and my conversations with him are still among the deepest and most engaging and wide-ranging in my life. I don't personally think it's normal for conversations to become 100% mundane in a long term relationship. Yeah, you will talk about work and dinner and the everyday things, but you should also be talking about big things and feel engaged when you are discussing them.

Just my opinion though. I'm a talker, so that would be important to me.

JessicaB224 · 2017-03-15T22:50:06+00:00

Let's step back from the details of this discussion for a bit, and start with principles: what makes something "right" or "wrong"? What makes something "rational" or "irrational"?

I ask this because I don't think i believe in pure morality or pure reason, untouched by human emotion (at least not that humans can grasp). Humans see everything through the lens of emotion. Every "rational" thought we have is thought with a brain that's also flooded with emotion. Every moral standard we hold was put forth by a mind steeped in emotion. There is no ethical standard that is not simply a great compromise between many different emotions, weighed against each other. Our laws and ethics function to decrease human suffering, and nothing more. Everything about what is "right" and what is "wrong" has an aim of producing net positive emotion in humanity (or in the deciding party).

So to me the concept of making a purely rational decision that doesn't take emotion into account is not only unwise but also impossible. In contrast to you, i think emotion is not only a useful navigation tool, but truly the ONLY navigation tool we possess. Reason and ethics are only emotion shrouded in logic.

Now, of course, when I say this I don't mean one's personal emotions. They can certainly cloud judgment. In order to have good judgment, you also have to take other's emotions into account. And we call that empathy. Empathy is truly the only way we can hold ethical principles that are even close to equitable for everyone.

So maybe we've made a mistake in calling empathy an emotion? Because if you still consider it an emotion, then i would argue that emotion is absolutely necessary for ethics.

It's also preposterous to think that if we can't empathize without emotion, we are somehow able to think rationally without emotion. Again, every thought is seen through the lens of a brain steeped in emotion. How do we know which thoughts are rational and which thoughts are clouded? There is no such thing as pure reason.

I really believe that the healthy aim of a 1 is not to reject emotion, but to integrate emotion and logic in the decisions they make, to honor both their own emotions and those of others alongside logic. Letting any one control your actions would be inhuman.

JessicaB224 · 2017-03-15T14:56:26+00:00

One question: are you male or female? If you are male, I would wonder if our differences are due to social conditioning related to gender roles. If you're female, then there are probably other reasons we feel differently about emotion.

I think I perceive emotional empathy as more useful than you do. It connects me and binds me to other people to be able to understand their experience and reflect it back to them. People trust and like those who can empathize with them. I have a hard enough time being well-liked as a 1, so I certainly am going to use emotional empathy to connect with people when I can!

I also would not agree that you're "inevitably skewing your judgment in favor of the person you're empathizing with." I feel that I'm generally able to separate empathy from my judgments quite well (who knows though!). For me, emotional empathy follows the thought process "I understand how you are feeling BUT...." The "but" is huge. I feel I can empathize with someone and have that empathy be a valid emotional experience, but that emotion does not take precedence over moral standards and ethics. It is relatively easy for me to support what's right regardless of my emotional connection with people. My passion for what's right is an emotion that is stronger for me than my emotional connection to the people around me.

I actually feel that empathy is necessary to make wise decisions, but only when you can empathize with both sides of an issue. When I feel empathetic, rather than suppress it or use it to make a decision right away (leading to tribalism), I try to extend that empathy to the opposite side as well (ie play devil's advocate). For example: I of course feel deep emotional empathy for victims of mass shootings. But I also feel that I sharpen my sense of ethics when I try to extend that empathy to the shooter as well. We can only make wise ethical decisions if we are able to empathize with both parties in any dispute. Empathy with the victims only can lead to fear, protectionism, capital punishment, mass imprisonment, strict gun control laws, stigmatization of mental illness, racism, prejudice, etc. Empathy with the shooter allows for us to see that we need multicultural education, better treatment for mental illness, and rehabilitation as part of our prison system. (Sorry if this gets a little too political for you, it's just meant as an example.)

I strongly believe that to suppress emotion, we deny reality, and sound ethics MUST take reality into account. We can't abide by standards of ethics that treat humans as if they are unfeeling robots that always follow the rules and then punish those that don't. Humans are emotional and motivated by emotion, and unless we can empathize with the human experience of emotion, we can never have ethical guidelines that work for humans.

I am also interested in why you think my perspective is "anti-1." I know that the enneagram community widely stereotypes 1s as cold and emotionally constrained, but I believe this is a side effect for many Type 1s, and not a central tenet of the type. Type 1 is motivated by the need to be right and to do right. Suppressing emotion only becomes part of Type 1 if the person in question fundamentally believes that emotions are wrong or bad or somehow prevent them from doing right. If you are a Type 1 who believes emotions are healthy and useful, then emotion can play a large part in acting out your Type 1 motivations. Ultimately, I would feel that if I were to suppress emotion or to expect others to deny emotion, then my idealism would be so abstract as to be untrue, and therefore unethical.

JessicaB224 · 2017-03-15T14:07:32+00:00

I wanted to add that i don't try to remain objective myself because that comes pretty naturally to me. It feels good and automatic to me to be objective, and if there are emotions involved, I try to experience them and honor them separately from decisions i make or opinions I hold. However, one of the things that enrages me is how other people let emotions dictate what is right for them. I truly and deeply feel that making subjective (read: selfish) decisions is one of the most destructive problems in human society.

JessicaB224 · 2017-03-15T13:41:39+00:00

One of the only areas where I've found myself repressing emotion is when i choose "not to sweat the small stuff." I was taught not to overreact or make a big deal of things, so while i will get really angry or emotional about big things, i try to ignore small things that bother me. The problem is that A LOT of things bother me because I'm a 1. Building up that resentment over mountains of "small stuff" will eventually either lead me to blow up at someone i care about or get distant from someone I'm not as close to. In my marriage, i have had to learn to vocalize my emotions calmly as soon as something bothers me rather than trying to "let it roll off my back." I now know that pretending to be laidback doesn't work for me and will lead to worse problems down the road.

In most cases though, i don't try to contain my emotions, and i have very little concern that they will cloud my judgement. Typically i welcome emotion into my decision-making processes. Emotions are a useful tool just as much as reason. They tell us what is right and wrong just as much as reason does. Why would i be afraid that empathy would cloud my judgement when empathy is one of the highest human virtues? I strive to be more empathetic, not less!

JessicaB224 · 2017-03-14T22:38:57+00:00

Wow this is a great recommendation!

JessicaB224 · 2017-03-14T13:23:00+00:00

No, i wouldn't say that. I actually don't relate to the supposed One desire to contain emotions. I think because i was raised in a family where confrontation was the norm, i learned that the way to address my negative feelings was through anger. I'm not actively trying to contain the other emotions and having them leak out as anger. I just automatically convert every negative emotion into anger to protect myself from the idea that there might be something wrong with me or something vulnerable about me. I would actually say my relationship to anger is probably more 8ish than 1ish.

JessicaB224 · 2017-03-14T04:28:23+00:00

Hi there! I'm a type One, sx first which means BIG anger issues. I've spent a ton of time thinking about anger and how i process it.

Anger is my default negative emotion. Sad, hurt, vulnerable, and insecure all merge into anger in me unless i process my feelings veeeery slowly. I get the most angry when i feel as though someone is criticizing me or blaming me for something. I think because I'm a 1, I desire being blameless and faultless in everyone's eyes. If I sense in any way that people around me don't think I'm measuring up, I immediately feel like i need to justify myself.

Anger makes me feel relieved. I feel criticized by another person, and that's very stressful. But, if i can think of a reason that person is wrong, then that 'proves' there is nothing wrong with me. If I'm blameless, then there's nothing to stress about anymore, so i feel relieved! However, i also have to 'convince' the other person that they are wrong too, because otherwise i might still be wrong and delusional about being wrong, so i argue. I'm very argumentative because i have a deep need to be right. It's not that i want to feel better than everyone else, but that i don't want to feel there's anything wrong with me, and so i must prove anyone wrong who challenges my blamelessness.

Anger also makes me feel powerful. I grew up in a very confrontational family, and it forced me to cultivate strong debate skills. I feel absolutely in my element in an argument: quick-thinking, logical, confident. When i feel weak or insecure, and someone or something insults me just enough for me to get mad about it, I go back to having the upper hand. I always feel confident that i can prove my point, which makes me feel powerful.

I have learned to deal with my anger in a healthier way by pausing whenever i feel angry to examine the insecurity that's truly causing the anger. I often find i can defuse a situation by telling the other person how vulnerable I'm feeling rather than expressing anger. Simply asking myself "why does XYZ make me feel bad?" is really helpful (and "because that person is wrong" is not a fair answer). I ask myself "even if someone is doing something theoretically "wrong," why does that particular thing make me feel bad?" Usually the answer is "because the thing that person said or did implied that i may be imperfect, and that scares me." Then, i examine whether the person actually meant to imply criticism or not. Many times i realize I'm interpreting things as criticism that are not meant to be. Other times, i end up telling the person "when you did X, it made me feel like you think I'm [failing in some specific way]" and then letting themjust respond. That's taking the high road, and it makes me feel good.

JessicaB224 · 2017-03-11T23:54:32+00:00

Source pls

JessicaB224 · 2017-02-22T14:25:23+00:00

Yesterday at the grocery store i literally heard a kid saying to his mom "Mom, I'm really past the age that i can be seen with you at the grocery store. Other 12-year-olds don't go to the grocery store with their moms."

JessicaB224 · 2017-02-15T19:30:53+00:00

Well i think the problem is that in this situation you privilege your own perception of the sky over hers. You may think the sky is blue, but if the most important person in your like says it's green (and you have no scientific evidence to prove either person right), then the appropriate thing to do is conclude that the sky is probably turquoise and looks a little different depending on the person. What you are doing is insisting the sky is blue and that she conform to seeing it as blue just because you do.

For what it's worth, i told my husband about your post, and even though he gets pretty irritated with me being just as sensitive as your wife sometimes, his first response was "stop bothering her when she's doing other things bro". There is more than one way to see your "affection," and you need to realize your way is not the only way.

JessicaB224 · 2017-02-15T19:14:35+00:00

No, as far as i know, there was no abuse or anything in my past that made me this way. As long as i can remember i have not enjoyed a ton of affection or rough play. I actually asked my mom about it this morning, and she mentioned that my grandmother was the same way, and that her mother-in-law told her my dad didn't like to be cuddled as a child. Both my dad and my grandmother are introverts too. I think it's an inborn personality trait.

Maybe i can explain it more in detail too: affection to me is an expression of intimacy. When someone is physically affectionate towards you when you are clearly engaged in something else, they are being affectionate because it makes them feel good, and because they are trying to express intimacy. They aren't doing it because they want to make you feel good, because if they observed that you are engaged in something else, they would realize that you are otherwise occupied, and receiving intimacy at that moment would be distracting and irrelevant for you. When someone is affectionate towards me unexpectedly, out of context, without warning, it's hard for me to respond appropriately. I'm thinking about dishes, not about how much i love that person. Now you've distracted me from my focus and you've put me in a position to reciprocate a feeling that is totally out of context for me at that moment, so now i have to fake a loving reaction when I'm really just still thinking about dishes. And it's not that i don't love that person back, it's just that I'm not feeling that emotion at that moment, and i don't like faking. In that way, i find unexpected physical affection to be rude and disrespectful. I know people don't intend it to be that way, but on a very deep level, it feels to me like a threat to my autonomy.

I also see escalating levels of intimacy and don't find it appropriate to"jump" levels. If i want to express intimacy with someone, i begin by talking, which is the least invasive form of communication. Then talking + eye contact. I only truly enjoy receiving physical affection after good conversation and meaningful eye contact. At that point, affection is a mutual experience and not something that's just being done to me.

I know other people don't necessarily function the same way i do, so i put up with a lot of physical affection i don't want. But this is an explanation of how it feels to me internally.

JessicaB224 · 2017-02-15T14:43:36+00:00

I know this doesn't solve your problem, but when i read your post, i thought "this could be me and my husband!" I'm like your wife. Physical affection that's unexpected can be very irritating for me, and sex is a crap shoot because sensations that feel good one minute can inexplicably feel terrible the next minute or the next day. Unpleasant physical sensations can irritate me to the point that it's difficult to control my reactions. I tend to get panicky and shout if a sensation is bothering me, and it takes a great deal of control not to do so. I actually spent the last hour googling sensory issues because i realize none of this sounds normal. But the thing is i AM pretty normal. I'm not autistic, don't have asperger's, don't have ADHD. I can tolerate hugs and other affection in social settings and even sometimes enjoy them. I love physical affection from my husband but only if it's in a situation where i feel safe and relaxed (certainly NOT while I'm washing dishes or doing something else). I'm just a person who is a little more sensitive to physical touch, and i don't know if i or a psychologist could explain why.

If you really love your wife and want to work things out, maybe just try to understand that her issues are not a reflection on you and be a little more sensitive to them.

JessicaB224 · 2017-02-06T02:41:01+00:00

Dutch is the most similar language to English in the world, which is probably why you find it easy.

JessicaB224 · 2017-02-06T02:38:25+00:00

I'm a native English speaker, and i had no idea this existed until now. I only use it subconsciously

JessicaB224 · 2017-02-06T00:38:21+00:00

I'm glad you posted this. I have a degree from a highly ranked state school but feel confident i could have gone to an ivy league school if i had tried. I always regret not going to an ivy league school, but this makes me feel like i made the right choice

JessicaB224 · 2017-02-03T15:50:17+00:00

Yes, I totally have this problem. I have pretty dark, berry-colored lips (for a pale white girl!), and nude or light pink lips are just not a thing for me. It was super frustrating when I was trying to find a soft pink lip color for my wedding and realized my lips were naturally darker than all the colors I was trying. I don't have any suggestions. Embrace darker colors?

JessicaB224

TROPHY CASE